I've been a dog person ever since my family dog, Boots, jumped off the roof of our house when I was a little kid. Don't worry, she was totally fine — in fact, she leaped right up and started chasing the squirrel she spotted from up there in the first place. That girl lived to be 18 freakin' years old!
But as I grew up and met more and more dogs, I realized it wasn't just Boots — it was all dogs.
Yes, all dogs are straight-up just better than people — here are a few reasons why:
Not too many humans are going to be alright with you approaching them, even slowly with your hand out so they can sniff it, to go in for a hug. Only people can be called "strangers." Dogs are just best friends you're about to make.
When dogs put their mind to something, it'll most likely get done. Sure, those things mostly revolve around fetching or chasing, maybe even licking up spilled spaghetti sauce, but it gets done. No dog I've ever met has wasted my time at a meeting or sent a spam email.
If you're a classic plan-canceler like me, a dog will always have your back. Need to get out of plans with some boring old humans? The dog clause will almost always work.
Yes, yes, I know the haters will be saying, "What about vicious attack dogs that eat baby's faces and stuff?" Well, first of all, sicko, I'm obviously not talking about that. But I'd rather see a baby held upside-down than a dog held weirdly, I'll tell you that much.
And really, isn't that what the internet is all about? Well, that and dank memes. If your Instagram has neither dogs nor memes, there's not a chance of a follow. Meanwhile, I'll be studying the life and times of about a million online puppers for the rest of my life.