Leila Raven's Posts - Temple Illuminatus2024-03-28T17:49:32ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfnhttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/55356296?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=0tggrsouvtnfn&xn_auth=noA long road..tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2015-05-22:6363372:BlogPost:29633442015-05-22T16:27:28.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>It's been so very long since I've visited the Temple. My health over the last few years has been worsening dramatically, and writing online, even from bed, takes effort and concentration that can be challenging for me.</p>
<p>I wish I had more to give, and giving has always been what I have gravitated towards, it's a natural and easy inclination.</p>
<p>Now I'm doing something instead which is not easy for me, and very much in contrast to my usual nature.. which is asking for help,…</p>
<p>It's been so very long since I've visited the Temple. My health over the last few years has been worsening dramatically, and writing online, even from bed, takes effort and concentration that can be challenging for me.</p>
<p>I wish I had more to give, and giving has always been what I have gravitated towards, it's a natural and easy inclination.</p>
<p>Now I'm doing something instead which is not easy for me, and very much in contrast to my usual nature.. which is asking for help, particularly in a material form. It's been a hard decision for me to make to ask for assistance, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but at the same time am feeling some desperation, as this help is something that could add years to my life.</p>
<p>I am campaigning on Go Fund Me, to try to raise money to purchase a small therapy pool/spa. There is more information about this campaign on my Go Fund Me page- <a href="http://link.email.dynect.net/link.php?H=%2BsiIS2DoQPdPYMNMZebGnOkCM0Tn10jgS0VYf2bYDhuDC8Q%2FJbQmKZYy9fsZYWW%2BioEH1nBiq0ggKY%2FMTUxyrwjfYMuoqWDJGsL6Fjc5%2F14%3D&G=21&R=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gofundme.com%2Fv8gfc6p&I=20150522151232.00B3D4068D22%40mail6-04-pao.dyndns.com&X=MHw3NzY2NjI6VEVNUElEXzQ5OzF8Nzc2NjYzOlFVRVVFSURfMjQ5ODE0MjM3Ow%3D%3D" style="color: #6b8d1f; font-size: 16px;" target="_blank">http://www.gofundme.com/v8gfc6p</a> please take the time to visit and read, and maybe share with others, even if you cannot donate, I appreciate the emotional/spiritual/energetic support as well.</p>
<p>Missing the Temple, and all it's members.</p>
<p>All my Love</p>
<p>Leila</p>
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<p></p>Update on breast lumptag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2012-10-11:6363372:BlogPost:18120122012-10-11T22:20:53.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>I went to the breast clinic today, they did a mammogram and ultrasound but couldn't get the biopsy part done on the same day because I'd had ibuprofen, and they want to do a core biopsy, and it's a blood thinner and the breast is very vascular, too much bleeding potential.</p>
<p>However, the Dr. says the biopsy is a formality they have to do, but benign or malignant, this lump has to come out. So I will be scheduling surgery as well.</p>
<p>My next appt. is with my family Dr. on Oct 26, to…</p>
<p>I went to the breast clinic today, they did a mammogram and ultrasound but couldn't get the biopsy part done on the same day because I'd had ibuprofen, and they want to do a core biopsy, and it's a blood thinner and the breast is very vascular, too much bleeding potential.</p>
<p>However, the Dr. says the biopsy is a formality they have to do, but benign or malignant, this lump has to come out. So I will be scheduling surgery as well.</p>
<p>My next appt. is with my family Dr. on Oct 26, to schedule the referral for the core biopsy and to schedule a referral to a surgeon.</p>
<p>Basically it's a matter of size when they get this big and are growing, they take them out. There are also two smaller lumps below the one big lump, and depending on the surgeon, I was told that they may also want to have those biopsied before doing surgery.</p>
<p>How much breast ends up removed and whether I will need reconstruction or implants will be something I will have to discuss with the surgeon.</p>
<p>My main concern is that the stress of surgery on my system will trigger a worsening of my FMS/CFS/ME and I'll have another downslide there. My last surgery, a hysterectomy, was actually a triggering event for the onset of my Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue issues, there's a good possibility this could further negatively impact my illness. I'm hoping it will be a temporary flare up. However it's not worth the risk to leave it and not have the surgery. I'll just have to play whatever cards get dealt my way.</p>
<p>So, whichever way, whether it's cancer or not, I'm going under the knife.. again.</p>
<p>Who knows how long it will be after my appointment with my family Dr. and my surgery time, part of me hopes it's sooner, and part of me hopes it later, because I know that as crumby as I feel most of the time, I feel better than I have in a couple of years, and after I have this surgery, I may not feel this good again for some time.</p>
<p>I'll also miss my breasts as I know them now.</p>
<p>As for worst case scenarios.. no need to go there, unless there's a need to go there!</p>Health Issues and Happinesstag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2012-09-05:6363372:BlogPost:17570862012-09-05T08:40:59.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Can't sleep with health issues on my mind, and when things are rattling around in my brain, writing them out seems to help at times, so here's to hoping a purge will lead to me being able to sleep. <br></br><br></br>Well, my fubared body seems to be growing new lumps. The last lumps were a few years ago now of big rapidly growing uterine fibroids, and resulted in a hysterectomy. <br></br><br></br>Now it seems I have another new rapidly growing lump, but in my left breast. Joy (sarcasm), so here's to hoping…</p>
<p>Can't sleep with health issues on my mind, and when things are rattling around in my brain, writing them out seems to help at times, so here's to hoping a purge will lead to me being able to sleep. <br/><br/>Well, my fubared body seems to be growing new lumps. The last lumps were a few years ago now of big rapidly growing uterine fibroids, and resulted in a hysterectomy. <br/><br/>Now it seems I have another new rapidly growing lump, but in my left breast. Joy (sarcasm), so here's to hoping it's not the big C. <br/><br/>I see the Dr. tomorrow, and will be discussing it with him, along with the potential lumps I may also have in my parathyroid. Yup, potentially more lumps! My last bloodtests showed highly elevated parathyroid, so, we're going to do another blood test after this visit, and check it again, if it's still up.. I probably have some benign parathyroid tumors. Hopefully. Benign is a nice word.. I like it, friendly. <br/><br/>It wouldn't surprise me if that's the case, as my sleep apnea seems to have worsened, and I seem to have more throat tightness, coughing, and things going down the wrong way than I used to. <br/><br/>With the breast lump, I have a feeling with the size and growth rate of this breast lump that he may go straight to doing a biopsy, but.. I'm just guessing based on a lot of googled medical info, lol, so who knows really. <br/><br/>Then, the day after tomorrow I go for the bone density scan that's supposed to determine how much my bone density has been negatively impacted by my prolonged 'bed rest' and inability to be on my feet and/or active. Not a lot of weight bearing over the last few years. <br/><br/>I'm not usually too worried about health stuff.. I've kind of become numbed by it. Honestly, the prospect of cancer isn't as scary to me as my current condition is.. being that it also often result in significantly reduced life span, and causes me a lot of pain, nausea, inconvenience, limitations, etc, and they essentially don't know what causes it, or really how to treat it well. At least with cancer, we can go in and try to cut the sucker out. There's a better chance of knowing what exactly is going on, predicting outcomes, etc. <br/><br/>I think the worst part for anything, is simply the not knowing. With the way our medical system works, I know it's going to likely be a while before tests are done and results come back, and information is to be had. Tomorrow will just be sharing the info with the Dr. and him deciding what tests to do, to determine what's happening with me. So hopefully this will won't be impacting my sleep more than this one night.. actually I suspect the fact that my IBS is acting up is more likely the factor in me being awake right now anyways.. lol, yup, the body, she's a lemon. <br/><br/>However, if I have to have lumps removed, I may be able to get the headlights replaced ;) <br/><br/>Ultimately though, life is about being happy, and about quality rather than quantity. We're all terminal, the end comes for us all, and usually it comes via something or somethings going wrong in the body. Illness, is a natural process. as is death. They are not things to fear, or worry excessively over, when there is still life, love and joy to be had. And if you want it, and are willing to create it, love and joy can always be had in life. They can take away your bits, and even your tits!... but they can't take away your decision to be happy with all the wonderful things that are still in the world.. and always will be in the world. <br/><br/>I have seen many brave and beautiful women and men, battling cancer, and I hope I'm not going to be one of the many that do, but if I do, I'll learn from those warriors I've seen fighting before me, and remember the things that really matter in life, our positive loving connections with each other. I just want a happy world, for me, and for everyone. <br/><br/>Thanks for listening. :)</p>Schrödinger's Cat had a kitten... or did it?tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2012-08-15:6363372:BlogPost:17273482012-08-15T12:48:50.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Oh you know the drill... there is a box, and in this box, there is a kitten... or is there?</p>
<p>When it comes down to belief, faith, whatever you wish to call it, I believe what we find in our box, is whatever we believe we will find in our box.</p>
<p>To those who believe the box holds that miraculous entity, oh kitten, lo and behold, when they open the box, the proof is there for them, voila, kitten. To those who believe the box is empty, the proof is there for them, the box is empty.…</p>
<p>Oh you know the drill... there is a box, and in this box, there is a kitten... or is there?</p>
<p>When it comes down to belief, faith, whatever you wish to call it, I believe what we find in our box, is whatever we believe we will find in our box.</p>
<p>To those who believe the box holds that miraculous entity, oh kitten, lo and behold, when they open the box, the proof is there for them, voila, kitten. To those who believe the box is empty, the proof is there for them, the box is empty. It doesn't matter what your beliefs... the box of your subjective beliefs always holds.. you got it.. your subjective beliefs.. whatever they may be.</p>
<p>So is there anything in the box... yes and no, there is nothing in the box, and there is -everything- in the box, both, and neither. Perhaps there is no box, or perhaps there are infinite boxes.</p>
<p>Greater truths lay in paradoxes, and subjective truths come in boxes, of our own creation filled with the manifestations of our expectations.</p>
<p>What's important is to realize that you have the right box for you, and to respect what other people experience in their own box is as valid as what you experience in yours...</p>
<p>Meow.</p>
<p>The Katt.</p>
<p></p>Personal Update, myalgic encephalomyelitis/CFS/Fibro/CFIDS remissiontag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2012-06-17:6363372:BlogPost:16465262012-06-17T17:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>It's been a long time since I've been on my own website... to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to come back to it. For those that don't know me, I'm the owner/creator of the Temple, though really I think of it as a co-creation belonging to all it's membership.</p>
<p>My health issues, a very severe form of myalgic encephalomyelitis - what is poorly named 'Chronic Fatigue' in some countries, had me so weak and ill I could barely move at all. Bed bound & going out only…</p>
<p>It's been a long time since I've been on my own website... to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to come back to it. For those that don't know me, I'm the owner/creator of the Temple, though really I think of it as a co-creation belonging to all it's membership.</p>
<p>My health issues, a very severe form of myalgic encephalomyelitis - what is poorly named 'Chronic Fatigue' in some countries, had me so weak and ill I could barely move at all. Bed bound & going out only for absolutely necessary medical appt's using a wheelchair, and unable to barely move at all.</p>
<p>Not to mention my ability to really focus or connect, and that I found even the most simple social & emotional interactions very exhausting.</p>
<p>Everything becomes hypersensitive, living in low light, quiet, too much noise, too much light, too much anything... anyways... I could go on and on.. suffice it to say I've been very ill for a number of years, and it had been a steady decline.</p>
<p>I have of course been trying everything and anything to fight for my health, making many adjustments in terms of diet, supplements, traditional and alternative therapies, etc. It seems the last 'regime' of diet & supplements that I implemented at the beginning of this year, was what it took to get me finally into a state of remission. For the first time in many many years, instead of my health symptoms getting worse, I not only stabilized, but started to get better. I've been doing as much as possible this year to work at regaining my strength & rebuild my stamina, pushing myself, since finally now I've been able to. This month was the first time I was able to go for a short walk without my wheelchair. To walk, out my own front door and down my own block... was an incredibly liberating feeling. I've been trying to walk most days since.</p>
<p>I've starting investing what I can (unfortunately times are tight) into rehabilitation. I bought a mini-trampoline to gently bounce or gently walk on for those days I can't walk outside. I can't do more than a few moments at a time.. but compared to struggling to get to my feet to get to the washroom, this is a big improvement.</p>
<p>I've been keeping meaning to get back onto the site and reconnect, but at the same time, this is the first time in many years I've been well enough to do something other than just be on the internet, that I've been spending most of my time/energy trying to engage in activities to rebuilt my strength, or... getting to be outdoors. Having been predominantly housebound for a few years.. and being able to count the number of times last year I've been out of my house on my fingers... well, it's hard not to want to spend my time laying in my back garden playing with my dogs & cats, or if I can, getting out for a longer outing in the wheelchair. I've even managed to do a little weeding in the garden from a laying down position, I just go slow, and rest when needed.. its very good exercise and physical therapy!</p>
<p>I'm actually going to a wheelchair friendly campsite this Monday-Thurs! I love nature and the outdoors and am so excited to be able to do this. My partner gray is going to take care of everything, and me, I feel very blessed.</p>
<p>I'd like to apologize to people who have written me mails and messages or left comments, and have had no replies from me. It's just not been possible for me to keep up with the activity on the site. I have people still write me everyday, and for many months now I've rarely been able to just log on and read, never mind reply.</p>
<p>I also wanted to thank you.. for continuing to reach out and supporting me. Thanks for all the lovely birthday wishes I received as well, it looks like being 43 is going to be very good for me!</p>
<p>I wish I could respond to everyone who has written me personally, and thank you, and give you a personal reply, but I just can't, believe me, if I haven't replied to you, it's not because you're not important to me. I've had to neglect even my closest friends and family to a great extent over the last several months. I haven't replied to some of my closest loved ones. Sometimes someone will get a message through just at the right moment and I'll manage to pop off a quick note on twitter or somewhere else, and I worry people I'm closer to will feel offended that I'm well enough to do that, or well enough to do something else, but not well enough to write them... honestly, it doesn't work like that at all. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of things I feel I 'should' be doing.. and I just try to do my best in the moment. Sometimes it means I don't get to prioritize as much as I'd like to in some ways.</p>
<p>Yes... I feel a bit guilty.. and yes... I need to learn to let more of that go. I've always been a person that leans toward wanting to do everything, and wanting to do it perfectly. I know it's my own forgiveness that I need to focus on. Most people around me are completely accepting and supporting, and the person who feels I'm letting others down is usually not others... but myself.</p>
<p>For others dealing with similar health issues wondering what miracle cure I've stumbled on... I don't believe it works that way. I think these are complex health issues, where a one approach/cure does not fit all. I experimented with several different dietary & supplement combinations and through years of trial and error finally found out what diet & supplements I needed to maximize my own body's health & healing abilities. I don't think it's the right one for everyone. I think we all have different food sensitivities, different chemical makeups, different deficiencies, bodies that make different demands on us based on our age, gender, size, hormones, genetics, etc... I believe the right approach is to learn to listen to, and trust, your self, your body, mind, soul... and be open to trying things and challenging your assumptions, experiment, and listen to the evidence of your body.</p>
<p>If some are interested, I can try to find the time/energy in times to come to write out a bit of my diet & supplement & therapy approaches that have worked to create this remission for me. I say remission... because it's only a 'cure' if it's gone completely and never returns. I'm definitely still ill, and even if I do become completely better, these types of illnesses do return, so I believe in taking things day by day.</p>
<p>For anyone out there dealing with -any- struggles.. don't give up hope, things can and do change in life, for good and for bad, I was hoping and fighting for a remission, but honestly believed it was not particularly likely given my condition. I felt it was more likely I'd be facing cardiac arrest or cancer within the next 10 years, I was leaning towards the statistical outcome. I've always been a hope for the best case scenario and do your best to make it happen, but prepare for the worst, make peace with the potentials. The reality is, we don't know what's around the next corner sometimes, life has ups and downs.. and things are always changing. There are -plenty- of opportunities for happiness & joy in life, and for things to shift in directions we would like them to.</p>
<p>I think the number one thing that has gotten me through this is attitude... the attitude of gratitude, and appreciating what I did have to enjoy in my life, no matter how much had been 'taken away' from me, instead of focusing on the losses, and on the pain.. I've focused on the blessings and the gain. *smile*</p>
<p>In fact, I'm very appreciative of the fact that I got as ill as I did and struggled with the health issues I have, it was the lesson I've needed in life, to learn to let go, and to surrender, and to appreciate what is really important in life, and to treasure it, enjoy it, and celebrate it.</p>
<p>Thanks for listening... *smile*</p>
<p>Live in Love<br/> Leila</p>Enjoy the Holiday Season!tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-12-15:6363372:BlogPost:13046762011-12-15T02:30:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><span style="color: #ff0000;"><a href="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/56326/happy-holidays-blinking-picture.gif" target="_blank"><img class="align-center" src="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/56326/happy-holidays-blinking-picture.gif"></img></a> <span style="color: #ffffff;">Whatever you celebrate, whenever you celebrate it, it's <em><strong>always</strong></em> a good reason to celebrate!…</span></span></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><span style="color: #ff0000;"><a target="_blank" href="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/56326/happy-holidays-blinking-picture.gif"><img class="align-center" src="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/56326/happy-holidays-blinking-picture.gif"/></a><span style="color: #ffffff;">Whatever you celebrate, whenever you celebrate it, it's <em><strong>always</strong></em> a good reason to celebrate!</span></span></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.mobilewallpapersbest.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/snow-love.gif"><span style="color: #ffffff;"><img class="align-left" src="http://www.mobilewallpapersbest.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/snow-love.gif"/></span></a></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">I just also wanted to take a moment to give my friends a heads up on what's happening with me.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">I've had a shift in my energy levels with my health issues, and this means I'm able to check in on the site less often now.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">I will be popping in every week or two to welcome new members and to check in on my emails and comments. Other than that, I'm not really able at this time to do more than that.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">So far my health issues have been progressive, and this is likely my 'new normal'. Though I'm always up for the possibility of improvement or spontaneous remissions, just not 'likely' for most in my situation.</span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">I'm profoundly grateful that we have such an amazing and compassionate administration team that is working hard at keeping things run smoothly, and I'm also profoundly grateful for all of YOU.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><a target="_blank" href="http://i54.tinypic.com/dwvuy8.jpg"><span style="color: #ffffff;"><img class="align-center" src="http://i54.tinypic.com/dwvuy8.jpg"/></span></a></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">This site really is a co-creation. It's about you as members and what you put into it, that makes it what it is, and creates the energy and experiences we all share here.</span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><a target="_blank" href="http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/304/5/b/Melting_Snow__Animated__by_ShutteredReality.gif"><span style="color: #ffffff;"><img class="align-center" src="http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/304/5/b/Melting_Snow__Animated__by_ShutteredReality.gif"/></span></a></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">There are many members here that really 'make' this site what it is. Welcoming others, writing blogs, sharing videos, pictures, starting discussions, encouraging others, leaving positive comments, each and every little thing we do is what 'makes it'. It's each of you who are contributing in a positive way that make this the place it is.</span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><a target="_blank" href="http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/4612/100510955.166/0_74725_16c27180_L.jpg"><span style="color: #ffffff;"><img class="align-center" src="http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/4612/100510955.166/0_74725_16c27180_L.jpg"/></span></a></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">YOU are all the best holiday gift a person could have, thank you for coming together with me here, and sharing all that you share in making one of my dreams, Temple Illuminatus, be the wonderful experience it is for me.</span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><a target="_blank" href="http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqhvhfZgDp1qc9zfzo1_500.gif"><span style="color: #ffffff;"><img class="align-center" src="http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqhvhfZgDp1qc9zfzo1_500.gif"/></span></a></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">Looking forward hopefully to being able to connect with you a bit more over the holidays, and very much looking forward to entering the New Year, and 2012, with each of you.</span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;"><a target="_blank" href="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/156613/japan-animation-snow-grey.gif"><span style="color: #ffffff;"><img class="align-center" src="http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/156613/japan-animation-snow-grey.gif"/></span></a></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">Brightest Blessings,</span> <br/> <span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">Leila Raven</span><br/> <span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ffffff;">Temple Illuminatus Founder.</span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4" style="color: #ff0000;"><br/></span></p>Mind expansion..tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-10-11:6363372:BlogPost:10992582011-10-11T13:58:33.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>There come times, of greater awareness of the world around us, that sometimes are so vast in scope that I feel almost on the verge of madness, or that my head or the whole world will split open with the force of it.</p>
<p>Moving .. thought.. into places beyond the scope of language and symbols my mind has for it, but instinctively knows are there, hidden beneath the specific illusions of the senses we create in order to experience and manifest our environments.. which are really one and the…</p>
<p>There come times, of greater awareness of the world around us, that sometimes are so vast in scope that I feel almost on the verge of madness, or that my head or the whole world will split open with the force of it.</p>
<p>Moving .. thought.. into places beyond the scope of language and symbols my mind has for it, but instinctively knows are there, hidden beneath the specific illusions of the senses we create in order to experience and manifest our environments.. which are really one and the same thing, the experience and the manifestation thereof.</p>
<p>It's odd to write about.. It's deconstruction, and writing is a process of construction of more metaphor.. it's exploring something through it's opposite to try to decry it in words.</p>
<p>We are all so much more than we can ever 'know' for 'knowing' itself becomes limitation.. we have limited ourselves specifically so we can 'know' ourselves, and ironically this process also hides us from ourselves.. we simultaneously experience ourselves in infinite facets, discretely held and observed, because it is the very observation that creates them, and in order to create observation, we must create focus, and in order to create focus, we must narrow our view upon a thing, and deliberately exclude other things that are not immediately relevant to us.</p>
<p>The irony is to be divine infinite experiencing itself, the divine infinite must experience itself in infinite finite ways.. we only see this is 'paradox' and oppositional because we have constrained our focus.</p>
<p>As I explore the unseen, I realize the fragility of the seen.. that the opening of certain doors of the mind and seeing what we have hidden ourselves, will mean a necessary shift of focus from the seen world that we are constantly creating in our observation/experience/manifestation of it. As soon as I allow mind to truly go beyond that point then a necessary disillusion of the seen world happens. Reality as my current limited construct of memory and experience knows it would be blown wide open.</p>
<p>If one stands on the precipice.. one feels it, and even fears it, for the creation of that greater awareness becomes the destruction of our current one. The world falls away revealing itself to be as in Wonderland, just a deck of cards, a hand we have dealt ourselves, a little game we are playing.. and nothing more.</p>
<p>What lies beyond.. is everything, and therefore nothing.. It cannot be transcribed here, or anywhere, there is no condensing it in the focus of symbol.. there is only dissolving into the reality of it as our eternal infinite selves.</p>All I have to offer...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-10-09:6363372:BlogPost:10908072011-10-09T04:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p> </p>
<p>All I really have to offer, Is my authenticity.</p>
<p>I created the Temple, because I wanted a place like this to exist.. I had a vision for a community that I wanted to be a part of, that I couldn't find. So I decided I would try to build it.</p>
<p>I decided to put any fears and insecurities behind, and devote myself to focusing on doing what I love, making friends, sharing with people, welcoming them, and just being authentic, and encouraging others to do the same.</p>
<p>In our…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All I really have to offer, Is my authenticity.</p>
<p>I created the Temple, because I wanted a place like this to exist.. I had a vision for a community that I wanted to be a part of, that I couldn't find. So I decided I would try to build it.</p>
<p>I decided to put any fears and insecurities behind, and devote myself to focusing on doing what I love, making friends, sharing with people, welcoming them, and just being authentic, and encouraging others to do the same.</p>
<p>In our society... we are continually lied to by our media, our leaders, and in a way our culture. We are taught to expect perfection of ourselves, and out of things like 'service' and 'government', 'leaders'.</p>
<p>However, the reality is, there are no perfect people. Our leaders, are weak, as well as strong, because all people, are both weak and strong.</p>
<p>However we are sold all the time, the concept that true strength, and that the 'ideal' is some state where no one makes 'mistakes'.</p>
<p>I'm not going to play that impossible game. To do that, would mean not being authentic, it would mean not being self accepting, it would not be being honest with self or other.</p>
<p>I am weak, and I make mistakes. I'm sensitive, I'm easily overwhelmed.</p>
<p>I am also strong, make good solid decisions, am stable and grounded, and am a survivor.</p>
<p>The reality is we can be both, and sometimes my very weaknesses turn out to be my strengths, and vice versa.</p>
<p>I screw up frequently, on this site, and elsewhere in life, and like everyone else, I'm human.</p>
<p>I make decisions sometimes that I know are not ideal... I try to do the best, with what I have, but sometimes what I have, are states of panic, anger, confusion, apathy, fear, etc... why? Because I'm human. No matter how much I may be happy most of the time, or at peace, or be mostly a calm, strong, loving compassionate person... I also have moments where I'm overwhelmed emotionally and unable to cope with the degree of emotional energy I begin to generate. </p>
<p>I can promise you,</p>
<p>that I will always do my best, and that I will be as authentic and clear with you as possible, but not everything will go 'perfectly' all the time.</p>
<p>One of the things, I personally find hardest in life, one of my weaknesses at times, is that I find it incredibly hard when I'm caught in conflict between people that I care about.</p>
<p>Conflict is a natural, unavoidable part of life, and I can manage it well to a certain extent. However, I can be very sensitive as well, and one of the things I find most challenging is when people I care about are at odds with one another, and I'm put in a position where I feel like I'm being put in the middle, and reaching out to anyone in that conflict, is going to make the others feel hurt and betrayed.</p>
<p>This is a position that triggers up some older issues with me, it's a loaded situation for me, and I'm wired to try to be a peace keeper and to form resolution. When I feel that I'm not unable to be a peace keeper and am failing despite my best efforts to keep everyone happy and supported, then it becomes a very stressful situation for me.</p>
<p>I'm in a situation where I feel like I have failed and betrayed people I care about, and that is a hard headspace for me.</p>
<p>The administration team that we had in place up until today, was a fantastic one.</p>
<p>I trusted, and still trust, each and every member of that team, and care for them deeply.</p>
<p>However, we've had some conflicts in the team, like all teams do, when we don't always see eye to eye. Being the site owner, means that ultimately, when the team is in conflict and a decision has to be made, I'm obviously the one, that has to make that decision.</p>
<p>So, how can I support all my team members, when I'm in a position where they are in conflict with one another, and no matter what options I choose I will have members feeling hurt and betrayed?</p>
<p>I cant, and in my mind, I end up in an ethical dilemma, I've got a Sophie's choice going on.</p>
<p>I couldn't do that anymore.</p>
<p>Today I was feeling too much the hurt and upset of some of my team members, I felt as if I had let them down, and I knew, as I was disbanding the team... that I was letting them, and you, down even further.</p>
<p>And I apologize to you all for that.</p>
<p>I'm not good at that type of 'management' situation where I feel that my team members are feeling I don't have confidence in them. I felt and still feel, for me, given my own emotional limitations in managing my feelings, that the only thing I could do, was disband the admin team as a whole.</p>
<p>Not to single anyone out. Not to pick apart at the structure. Not to struggle to resolve conflicts that have been bubbling up from the beginning that are not perhaps able to be resolved, personality conflicts between team members. etc. Rather, just to take a blanket approach that deals with my personal issue of not being able to manage a team facing conflict.</p>
<p>For me, I needed to treat it as a personal problem first. I am not currently able to manage this team - step one, getting authentic with myself. So... it made sense to me, following that, that until I feel able to really focus on the issue and give it the attention it deserves... that it was best, given my limitations, to disband the team.</p>
<p>Ideal.. nope. Ideal I would be able to tough it up, be a good centered balance team manager, decide who stays who goes, put team ground rules in place, move forward.... I'm not that person, and I can't deliver that.</p>
<p>I'm a person that needs to step back, reflect, process, and listen to myself and figure out what it is realistically I can manage and how to best go about doing that.</p>
<p>As for the conflict itself, I don't have any negative feelings towards the admins disagreeing with each other. I know they feel strongly they're trying to make the best decisions with the site in mind, and that they just don't see eye to eye.</p>
<p>No one is to blame, no one has done anything wrong, we all get upset, and it's quite possible my disbanding the admin team was the biggest mistake of them all. However, I felt in the moment, that it was my only choice in terms of where my head is at ethically and emotionally.</p>
<p>There isn't a single member of our previous administration team, that I would not have back on a future team in a heartbeat. When and if I feel I'm up to handling the potential conflicts that can arise in team dynamics.</p>
<p>I feel ultimately, the weak player in the team was not any one of them, but me. Unfortunately or fortunately for you, however you see it, lol, it happens to be my site... and what I believe, and I hope you come to believe to. Is it doesn't matter whether I fuck up or not. It doesn't matter if I'm a good leader or a bad leader.</p>
<p>I am ultimately, only one person... and you.. ALL of YOU are what MAKE this site.</p>
<p>I believe.. ultimately, that a community like this can govern itself... I believe, ultimately even that the world can govern itself.. yes.. I AM AN ANARCHIST. *smile*</p>
<p>Anarchy isn't about chaos... it's about faith. It's about believing each and everyone of you is capable of self-government. That you do not need a 'leader' to stop you from doing bad things on the site... or in the world. It's not -me- that makes this site work... it's all of you.</p>
<p>Be the change... means take personal responsibility.</p>
<p>Realize that this site, is a microcosm, like the larger macrocosm of the world.. and we co-create it. What you put into it, is what you get back out of it.</p>
<p>Some people aren't ready to self govern, we all know that... but it's because they have been disempowered, it's because they've been brainwashed to believe that 'perfect' leaders.. that 'authority' is better able to decide for them. We want to hand our troubles over to the powers that be to take care of them.</p>
<p>I won't be taking care of a lot of the 'problems' on this site... I'll be encouraging you to. To manifest your own solutions, to resolve your own conflicts... Yes. I will administrate, and take action, but only when I feel it's really really necessary... instead I'd like to give each and every one of you, the opportunity to co-create, to make positive choices, to realize something new...</p>
<p>So, this is me... this is your site 'leader'... an anarchist that feels each of you is just as capable as I. </p>
<p>This site is not going to be 'the perfect site'... because there is no such thing.</p>
<p>We will always have spammers, We will always have conflicts, We will always have problems. Thats. Just. Life.</p>
<p>I can't promise you... that this ship won't sink.</p>
<p>I won't lie to you, and tell you this is an unsinkable ship, thats the line they gave the Titanic.</p>
<p>There are NO unsinkable ships.</p>
<p>This site has as much chance as disappearing under an iceberg in a heart beat, as it does becoming the next big thing. If this site fails... I can promise you, it will be my fault.. I will do my very best to steer her clear and steady, but I can't promise I'm up to the task and that I won't make some critical error. I don't make promises I can't keep. If it fails it because I will be weak and give up on it, and hopefully I'll have the courage to give it over to someone else who can.</p>
<p>If it does become a great site... it won't be because of me. If this site is a great site, and I like to think it is now, it's because of you. all of you. </p>
<p>Bum deal for me hey? If it succeeds its all your success but if it fails is all mine.. well their you go, the truth according to Leila's crazy head. :)</p>
<p>If you can forgive me, and others, when we have a bad a day, or make a bad choice, or just can't do any better no matter how hard we try... if you can accept that this place, is an <strong>authentic</strong> place, which means, I'm not going to lie to you, and tell you... we're going to deliver something we are not. That you have no other choice but to accept other people for who they are and take personal responsibility for how you feel about them and yourself... or find a place with less freedom.</p>
<p>What I can deliver is a place where YOU can create the positive experience YOU want... you cannot rely on me to deliver it you.. ever. Giving you freedom means you also have to take responsibility.</p>
<p>I can only put on the table, and give to you, what I do, no more.</p>
<p>When I make mistakes, when things go wrong... well, all I can ask is that you trust that I'm doing my best for you, and you accept, that it's not going to be an A+ job. I don't have A+ resources to work with.</p>
<p>Anyways.. this is getting wayyyyyy to long, and I'm starting to repeat myself... typical typical..</p>
<p>but hopefully, you're patient.. very patient, and you'll forgive it all.</p>
<p>Thanks for listening.</p>
<p>Live in Love<br/> Leila</p>
<p> </p>
<p>________</p>
<p>I'm keeping comments closed, because I'm rather tired right now, and am trying to pace my energy. I'm sorry not to give you the space to express, it's not because your thoughts are not important to me, it's simply a lack of resources on my part at this time.</p>Compassion for the human animal, is it so difficult?tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-07-31:6363372:BlogPost:7062142011-07-31T14:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_O1DchrYCo/TVvBzlIev3I/AAAAAAAAAVc/6wSc9BEzVWM/s1600/compassion-danny-gray.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="align-left" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_O1DchrYCo/TVvBzlIev3I/AAAAAAAAAVc/6wSc9BEzVWM/s1600/compassion-danny-gray.jpg"></img></a> Something I've said many ways and many times, but I'll keep saying it, because there will always be people needing to hear it.</p>
<p>Compassion for the human animal, since most people love animals, like cats and/or dogs, I find it's a helpful analogy.</p>
<p>For instance if I say "I love dogs, unconditionally, passionately, I'm advocate for and…</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_O1DchrYCo/TVvBzlIev3I/AAAAAAAAAVc/6wSc9BEzVWM/s1600/compassion-danny-gray.jpg"><img class="align-left" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_O1DchrYCo/TVvBzlIev3I/AAAAAAAAAVc/6wSc9BEzVWM/s1600/compassion-danny-gray.jpg"/></a>Something I've said many ways and many times, but I'll keep saying it, because there will always be people needing to hear it.</p>
<p>Compassion for the human animal, since most people love animals, like cats and/or dogs, I find it's a helpful analogy.</p>
<p>For instance if I say "I love dogs, unconditionally, passionately, I'm advocate for and lover of dogs".</p>
<p>Most people don't question that kind of sentiment, they think it quite easy, common, and plausible for someone to be a dog lover.</p>
<p>However often when I've expressed unconditional love for people. Many people seem to have found the idea un-realistic, or irresponsible of me. The idea of unconditionally loving -people-, our very own species seems like a foreign or even threatening or implausible concept to many people. Does this not seem strange to you, that more people can unconditionally love another species so much easier than our own? Even now there will be people reading this saying that's because people have a capacity for 'evil' that animals do not. However this is exactly what I'm talking about, why on earth do we consider 'bad' behaviors in people as indicative of 'evil' instead of natural? Many people can not wrap their heads around unconditionally loving all people, most people think there are some people who should not be unconditionally loved. This makes no sense to me.</p>
<p>When we love dogs, we don't lose our compassion for a dog that is aggressive and/or dangerous because of bad genetics and/or abusive background, etc. We may avoid a dangerous dog, lock one up, or even put one down. But we retain that sense of love and compassion and affection, and we don't tend to blame the dog. We don't think of any dog as 'evil', just that they are being true to their nature, so if we encounter a dangerous dog, we assume no blame on their part. We think they've had a rough life perhaps, maybe brain damage, or doggy mental health issues, rabies, what have you. Whatever is driving the 'bad' behavior in the dog we don't hold blame. If we're someone who unconditionally loves dogs that is. *smile* We just accept what IS and often do so with compassion.</p>
<p>Why can't more people love each other this way? Why can we not look at each other and just accept what is without blame and with compassion? Yes, don't put yourself in a position to be 'bitten' by dangerous dogs or people... take precautions to protect self and others...</p>
<p>Unconditional love doesn't mean allowing others to hurt you or harm others, in fact, maintaining healthy boundaries is a part of unconditional love of self and unconditional love of all, we take ourselves, and other people into consideration along with the person who is behaving 'badly' and act in accordance to compassion to everyone. So we don't sacrifice ourselves or others well-being in this process. Just like unconditionally loving a dog doesn't mean you let it bite you, unconditionally loving a partner doesn't mean you let them abuse you. That doesn't mean we cannot still have love and compassion along with our healthy boundaries.. and lose this damaging idea of 'blame'.</p>
<p>We are often taught to believe that Love will somehow weaken us, how we feel about someone else will put us at greater 'risk'. However, I believe we are just brainwashed to fear, fear, and fear. Odds are if you're not in that place of unconditional love, you're being driven by... fear.</p>
<p>It's time, we all need to start fostering greater compassion toward all life on this planet, and if we're ever to have true peace, absolutely the human animal most of all.</p>
<p>This is what I mean, when I say<br/>Live in Love</p>
<p>Leila</p>The Darkness in the Templetag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-07-26:6363372:BlogPost:6729252011-07-26T00:37:14.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Somehow my original post got deleted, so this is a re-post, unfortunately I had to make it less detailed than the original. It's also going to be a lot less fluid and with more typos... lol. But there you have it. Same basic concepts getting conveyed.. it's essentially a copy of a letter I sent to a friend here.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are dark elements here, yes. There are people who identify with what are traditionally thought of by many as 'evil' or 'negative' forces. People who identify as…</p>
<p>Somehow my original post got deleted, so this is a re-post, unfortunately I had to make it less detailed than the original. It's also going to be a lot less fluid and with more typos... lol. But there you have it. Same basic concepts getting conveyed.. it's essentially a copy of a letter I sent to a friend here.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are dark elements here, yes. There are people who identify with what are traditionally thought of by many as 'evil' or 'negative' forces. People who identify as satanists, people who are attracted to the dark.</p>
<br/>
<p>There are all kinds of people here...</p>
<br/>
<p>I believe you cannot be practicing as a 'light' worker... if you are not willing to bring light into dark places, or invite darkness to share in your light... If you judge, alienate, and assume people who identify with some form of darkness or concepts of 'evil' are all so horrible and evil people through and through, with no light or divine spark within them, that you cannot risk even coming in contact with them online to ask them questions or interact with them... you can never hope to increase the light quotient in the world...</p>
<br/>
<p>Very few of these people consider themselves evil/bad people, most of them are good people who are interested in exploring their dark side and the general dark side of human life. Those who do think of themselves as dark or evil are often people who have lived lives of hardship and abuse, and have been brainwashed into thinking they have no other options in life, but to believe they are bad. I do not close the doors of the Temple to these people. I invite them in and encourage them to share what is good in themselves. I focus on the message that they, and all people, are a reflection of the divine.</p>
<br/>
<p>In my mind, there are no bad people. There are people who have some negative aspects to them. There are people who do bad things. There are damaged people, but this is nature. Just like I'm an animal lover and there are no bad dogs... there may be dogs that have been poorly raised and abused that lash out, there may be dogs that are brain damaged and vicious by nature.. but they are not 'evil' I see people much the same way. Even if there are potentially truly through and through evil people... I believe anything is possible, I don't believe that trying to shut them out is the way to deal with them in our world... the reality is we ARE all in this together, and until we learn to but judgements and assumptions aside about what labels mean, we cannot move on as a peaceful world.</p>
<br/>
<p>Some people think Wiccans and Mediums are 'evil' and are working with dark forces. Then there are people who call themselves Satanists and say they embrace the 'dark', and people think they are 'evil'. The truth is, if you talk to these people, you will see that they don't see the darkness in life as necessarily 'evil', they don't identify Satan as 'bad'... people are making assumptions about what it means for someone else to be a Wiccan, or what it means for someone to be Medium, or a shaman, or a voodist, or a conjure worker, or a Satanist. Instead of asking that person what it means to them... Sometimes things that look 'scary' on the outside are just because we've been so programmed to fear people who think differently or who identify with counter-culture.</p>
<br/>
<p>I don't understand people who say they are lightworkers... and are all about love and light... except for 'those' people... the people they judge unworthy of love and light and choose to see as somehow enemies of light... I say light and love has no enemies.. To me judging others as 'unworthy' is not an act of light and love... but directly out of the darkness of fear.</p>
<br/>
<p>When we act from fear... we are acting from a dark place, when we act from love we are not. We may use the language of light to justify our negative judgments of those who use the language of dark...however I've found people who say they are 'light' and have done far more evil, negative and harmful things than many people I've found who say they identify with the 'dark'... I'm more concerned with getting to know whole people.. who I believe embrace the whole spectrum, that we are all capable of light and dark... I spend less time worrying about whether others actions are dark and try to focus on minding my own...</p>
<br/>
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<p>Live in Love</p>
<br/>
<p>Leila</p>Updatetag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-07-25:6363372:BlogPost:6714232011-07-25T19:19:35.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>If you've noticed a shift in my activity on the site, or are just getting a different vibe from me, you're not imagining it. Not unexpectedly to me, my health issues continue to slowly progress, and even though the changes are small, they add up.</p>
<p>My ability to read as much of what goes on on the site has been diminished, as has my ability to respond back. I'm still busy busy doing site related stuff happily all day long, but it's shifted to more of what I call 'mouse work' things I…</p>
<p>If you've noticed a shift in my activity on the site, or are just getting a different vibe from me, you're not imagining it. Not unexpectedly to me, my health issues continue to slowly progress, and even though the changes are small, they add up.</p>
<p>My ability to read as much of what goes on on the site has been diminished, as has my ability to respond back. I'm still busy busy doing site related stuff happily all day long, but it's shifted to more of what I call 'mouse work' things I can do with point and click. So I play with graphics, and I do a lot of adding people on site related twitter accounts to let people know we're here and that type of thing.</p>
<p>A lot of the site administration has been managed by our great admin team, which I'm very appreciative of. That and a membership base, all of you, who are respecting our guidelines and co-creating here in such a compassionate and positive fashion, has made the management of this site such a pleasure. We've had so few problems to deal with and they've all resolved quickly. There will always be the occasional negative person out there, but compared to all the positive endeavors going on here it's such a minor issue.</p>
<p>I have all kinds of ideas of how this place could grow and be of use to it's membership, and I just hope I can find the energy and the support needed in times to come to pull it together. I need to get into our co-creation group and share some of my thoughts soon and see if we have members interested in working on new projects here. I'd like better avenues for instance for helping members promote their related businesses/services/goods - and help our members improve their quality of life via the work they're doing, but in a way that doesn't spam our members... like creating a Temple Marketplace/Mall... etc.</p>
<p>Basically I want to keep the Temple growing in ways that it helps people in very real ways, spiritual, emotional, psychological, and yes the material, as long as it doesn't detract from those other elements. For myself I'm not really interested in making money here, that's not my purpose in creating this space, but I am interested in supporting members that way, as long as it doesn't turn the Temple into a commercial space... hence a separate 'mall' area... anyways, I'm rambling.</p>
<p>There are also things like increasing our activism role, giving people more resources to make positive change, like promote a cause a week with ways people can contribute to the cause... ie, petitions, donations, and other resources for that cause made available.</p>
<p>I'd like to use our events section to promote more spiritual community podcasts, like pagan centered podcast, etc, and other community projects and events.</p>
<p>I'd like to perhaps house or sponsor a Temple Illuminatus Podcast someday... but know I can't be in it, so who would be and how would it go? or?</p>
<p>So many ideas and projects and so little time and energy! So if you have ideas and time and energy, and want to be more involved... do let me know. Find a way to make the Temple work for you and support what you want to do in life.</p>
<p>If we can get support a member or even groups of people together, who want to make something happen here... we can find a way to try to make that happen. </p>
<p>Groups here can be peoples own little mini-sites.. all kinds of things are possible with the format we have people can add applications to their groups on their group pages, etc, that can do just about anything. There are literally infinite possibilities for co-creation.</p>
<p>I guess, what I want to say is my heart and my spirit are still very much here, alive and thriving and passionate about the Temple. I may not be able to read your blog, or respond to your forum post. I may have to leave you a picture or no response at all instead of a written reply to a comment you send me. I may not always be able to get back to you. I may make mistakes. I may forget things. I may forget who you are, or mix you up with someone else. I'm becoming someone with ever more limitations in my life... but please don't read into those things a lack of interest, of love, of care.</p>
<p>I'm whimsical, and sometimes I'll use my day's allotment of energy on writing things maybe others wouldn't consider so important... I know a lot of times people may look at think, well if she can do 'that' then she should be able to do 'this', or do 'that' again.. but it doesn't work like that. Sometimes I don't know what I'll be able to do.. or more likely what I'll all of a sudden find myself incapable of doing.</p>
<p>One thing is always clear in the confusion though. One thing is always well no matter how tired and ill I may feel, and that is that I love this place and everyone here who is co-creating it with me. So thank you.</p>
<p>There isn't a person or post here that isn't special to me in some way... I've lost track of many of the individual parts and details... not because they're not important, just because I'm no longer able.</p>
<p>I'm a very empathic person, and I'm a happy person, and as long as most people here are happy, I'm going to continue being happy, because making others happy is what makes me happy...</p>
<p>So thanks for the happiness... *smile*</p>
<p>Now I'm going to stop writing before I get weird (er) lol.</p>
<p>Live in Love<br/>Leila</p>Webcam Avatar Out-takes, a bit about my life now, and my gratitude.tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-07-06:6363372:BlogPost:5573012011-07-06T15:16:25.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>These are the unedited rejects/out-takes from yesterday off the webcam for me playing around and getting some updated avatar and profile pics since I've been growing my hair out. :)</p>
<p>I usually crop them, up the contrast a bit and take out pillow background that shows I'm actually laying down for these. lol. Basically sitting up is very tiring for me with my health issues, I lay down with the webcam on top of me all day, so basically you can see in some of these my knuckles on the…</p>
<p>These are the unedited rejects/out-takes from yesterday off the webcam for me playing around and getting some updated avatar and profile pics since I've been growing my hair out. :)</p>
<p>I usually crop them, up the contrast a bit and take out pillow background that shows I'm actually laying down for these. lol. Basically sitting up is very tiring for me with my health issues, I lay down with the webcam on top of me all day, so basically you can see in some of these my knuckles on the keyboard coming in to the shot, something I would normally crop out. I usually tweek the contrast and colour a bit as well.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415633?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415633?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415696?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415696?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415699?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415699?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415701?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415701?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415732?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415732?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415735?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415735?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415758?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415758?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415740?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415740?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415742?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415742?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415807?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415807?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415810?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415810?profile=original" width="640"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415771?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415771?profile=original" width="640"/></a>So there you have it... lol. Except on most days I don't bother putting makeup and clothes on! Getting dressed and undressed is hard work! But I essentially look pretty much the same on the other end of the internet. *smile*</p>
<p>The spot I'm laying in is on a big oversize very comfortable sectional sofa on the 'divan' part of it, I have a big tray next to me with everything I need throughout the day. I have padding underneath me, as well as a heating pad under my back area. I use heat every morning to work on my back tension and pain.</p>
<p>My partner gray brings me all my medications, meals and things I need on trays to me. I still manage getting up and down to the bathroom no problem, thank goodness, and to and from the bedroom to my couch morning and night, and I'm well enough to make it out and up and down the back steps to the hot tub a few times a week.</p>
<p>I have a bath about once a week, and often require assistance with it.</p>
<p>I no longer go out in my wheelchair unless it's for a Dr.'s appt, or some other unavoidable obligation as I find sitting up for long periods very tiring and it ends up impacting my health giving me less energy and more pain for about a week afterwards.</p>
<p>I get very tired doing simple things, like brushing and flossing or eating a meal. I have to pace myself and most meals take about an hour to eat. Breakfast which is larger takes me about 4 hours.. I basically graze all morning long.</p>
<p>I can do lots online though! using a mouse takes very little effort and movement, it's set very sensitive, and I can do it all day. Typing is more challenging, and I have to pace myself more carefully, which is why I don't use chat. I'm unable to most of the time keep up without wearing myself out rapidly.</p>
<p>I'm someone in general, that prefers to focus on what they can do, rather than what they can't, and focus on my pleasures, rather than my pains.</p>
<p>I like to do things for the animals when I can, brush them, and all last week I had to clean their ears and give them drops for mites, since the new kitten had come home with them. We treated everyone else just to be sure. It was a bit hard on me to do, but satisfying.</p>
<p>I've been able to do less and less over time, it seems not just chronic but slowly progressive, my illness. However, things can and do change, and some people do have remissions, though realistically with my severity of ME/CFIDS/FM it's rare. I've had to scale back my activity online again recently, and I'm really appreciative of all the help and support I've been getting from our admin team and other members.</p>
<p>Anyways enough about all of that... I just thought I'd give people a little peek into my world where I'm at right now. :)</p>
<p>You can see though, despite pain and fatigue.. I'm HAPPY! :) and a lot of that has to do with all of you here, having this site to focus on and work on and feel like I'm doing something meaningful despite my disability is incredibly meaningful for me. So thank you all for letting me share with you here in my blog and here in the co-creation of my website.</p>
<p>I consider you all family and have a great deal of love for this space and everyone in it.</p>
<p>Live in Love<br/>Leila</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>A wander through the garden....tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-05-19:6363372:BlogPost:3022092011-05-19T01:30:11.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p> </p>
<p><a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414728?profile=original" target="_self"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414728?profile=original" width="526"></img></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Stepping out my back door of my little 1950's house</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">onto the old peeling deck</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It's been hung with home-made green glass lanterns</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">made from old florists vases I've hung with twine and sewn beads on…</p>
<p> </p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414728?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414728?profile=original" width="526"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Stepping out my back door of my little 1950's house</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">onto the old peeling deck</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It's been hung with home-made green glass lanterns</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">made from old florists vases I've hung with twine and sewn beads on</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">A wooden hanger stained with green</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">holds peanuts and black sunflower seeds for the blue jays and other birds</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Surfaces are messy with pots, for it's gardening time</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The wind chimes have become tangled in the fuschia,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">which will be busy with hummingbirds soon</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Chives grow in a pot for use on the bbq,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and thermometer says the weather is fine!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I remember days gone by... when we had a dress up party</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and it was hung with sari silks</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and as night fell, we lit the many latterns</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and laughed and played in the garden till late at night...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Oh.. I have to interrupt the present, and show some past.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414698?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414698?profile=original" width="526"/></a>I had pink hair then</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">We all dressed in silks and sparkly things and we feasted</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">There was belly dancing and pot luck food and many friends.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414854?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414854?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Here I am again, with my family member ash, my husbands other partner. <br/>While my friend Roxy hangs sari's standing on the chair next to us</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I miss the parties we used to have here</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but it's too much to socialize like that for me now.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">However the jewels in the garden are just as bright<br/>in the blossoms of all the flowers growing there.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Let's get back to that tour of the garden<br/>and the present day.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So then I stepped off my deck this morning</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">camera in hand, and proceeded to take a wander</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">through the garden, through the lens...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414864?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414864?profile=original" width="526"/></a>From the bottom of the steps</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I can snap the back left half of the garden.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Where we've landscaped a little peninsula garden bed</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">which features the pink dogwood tree.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Which is now in full glorious bloom...<a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414871?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414871?profile=original" width="526"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I could spend hours just gazing at it's vibrant blossoms</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the contrast of warm pinks against the bright azure blue sky</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">is mesmerizing to me...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414840?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414840?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414940?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414940?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414958?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414958?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414898?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414898?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415053?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415053?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415055?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415055?profile=original" width="526"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Then on the right hand side of the back garden, we have a large shed</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">with a concrete pad... and in front of it we've created a garden bed</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Mostly a rose garden, though the tulips are busy there now.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415058?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415058?profile=original" width="526"/></a>In the foreground is the little apple tree we've just planted</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">it's been trimmed recently and seems happy</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">as it's started to bloom</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the branches are being weighted down so they will grow outwards.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415026?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415026?profile=original" width="526"/></a>I'm looking forward to the roses climbing on the trellis against the shed</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and all the other roses coming into bloom...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and the apple tree one day being big and covered in blossoms</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and the fruit!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Iggy one of our pugs, the brindle guy... loves apples</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">He thinks apple trees are the best thing in the world</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that they're trees that grow edible balls.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">He loves to chase, and eat, apples.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415029?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415029?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Right now the tree is small, and has only a scattering of beautiful blossoms</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but those blossoms bring the promise of more to come.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Spring growth is here... despite all the chaos and destruction in the world.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Spring endures...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415063?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415063?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414985?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414985?profile=original" width="526"/></a>So the over view of the view from the bottom of the back steps has been done...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Lets wander toward the back of the garden...<a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415520?profile=original"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415069?profile=original"><img width="526" class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415069?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="526"/></a>Here's a closer view of the back alley's fence. The bush on the right</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">are raspberries, as are the bushes cut off the right side of the pic.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">On the other side of the rock is the goji berry plant.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">These are also known as wolf berries,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and are incredibly nutritious, known as a 'super food'.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">In between is a small fig tree, but right now it's leafless</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">so it's hard to make out against the fence...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415039?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415039?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Here's a closer view of the goji, it's being trained to grow along the fence.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">There is a small fancy cabbage growing in the left bottom side of the pic</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but you can barely see it.. it's a yellowy green patch.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">(pictures of everything would be impossible)</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414992?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414992?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Here you can see the fig tree better</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">as well as an ornamental grass we've planted by the boulder</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The cats love to hide and chase behind the grasses,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the grasses were very much planted for cat ambushing escapades</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">What cats you ask... oh they're there</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">you'll see plenty of pics of them soon enough</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">they were stalking me everywhere I went in the garden</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">keeping me company, as were the pugs.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So now from the back of the garden, turning around</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I face the back of the house</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">from the other side of the beautiful dogwood tree.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415075?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415075?profile=original" width="526"/></a>You can see the old deck, and in the bottom right corner</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the hot tub where I do a lot of soaking</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">With 6 foot fences that soaking is done happily nude</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Where I can soak in sunshine</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">or the starshine and moonshine while moon bathing<a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415078?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415078?profile=original" width="526"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">That funny looking thing on the left is the little apple tree,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">if you don't recognize it.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415001?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415001?profile=original" width="526"/></a>At this point I really needed that bench.. okay, truth be told</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I'd already sat on it a while, but then I sat on it again</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415103?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415103?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Loki decided to sit with me.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">To remind me to rest a while</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">he did his job encouraging me to break</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">by insisting on being pet and adored.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415105?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415105?profile=original" width="526"/></a>I snapped a couple of pics from the bench,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but soon the flowers in the dogwood peninsula</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">beckoned me to come closer</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415107?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415107?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415161?profile=original"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The flowers above are tulips, fancy tulips</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">with crazy colours and raggedy leaves</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The ones that are so bright yellow and red striped</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They remind me of circus tents</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">If I were naming this flower I would call it</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Faery Circus</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415109?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415109?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Look! The faery circus is in town, the tents are being put up...</p>
<br/>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415082?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415082?profile=original" width="526"/></a></p>
<p> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Further in the garden bed are some peachy, yellowy orangey fancy tulips</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">past the broken Chinese 100 year old egg pot...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I love flowers that can't decide if they are yellow, orange or peach...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Mutant tulips, with extra petals and extra heads on the stalks</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the garden.. has gone insane clown posse</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415161?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415161?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415111?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415111?profile=original" width="526"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Further back still are some miniature tulips, mimicking the larger red and yellow</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I suppose they'd want to run away and join the circus too...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415084?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415084?profile=original" width="526"/></a>We only have a few of these, but I think the plan is to grow more next year</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">There is something amazing about big flowers...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and something amazing about small flowers too.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415114?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415114?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Speaking of tiny flowers... these grow in our lawn.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I LOVE them... the folliage is rich and reddish</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and the flowers a vibrant violet.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">If they are a weed, I welcome them.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The plan is eventually to have no lawn, only garden.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415086?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415086?profile=original" width="526"/></a>One of my favourite flowers in the garden are the peonies...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">they are just starting to bud now. It will be a while still</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">before they open their blooms, but the number of buds is</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">astonishing. This garden produces like nothing I've seen...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">We have blood red peonies, pale pink peonies... and white peonies.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The deep rich red peonies I love the most.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">But right now it's the earlier spring flowers</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">mostly tulips, in the garden</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415166?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415166?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415169?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415169?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415171?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415171?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415118?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415118?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Then there's these flowers I found at the garden center</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They call them a type of 'butter cup'</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I thought butter cups were just the wild flowers one found in lawns and meadows.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415089?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415089?profile=original" width="526"/></a>But these butter cups came in all different colours... I got orangey and reddy ones</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They also have many many petals, which is a look I like.. lush...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They come back year after year.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415174?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415174?profile=original" width="526"/></a>and the tiny little grape hyacinth flowers...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">which we didn't plant, but grow many places on the property.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I love these, these and the blue bells in the garden</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">remind me of childhood...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Because I loved to go and pick flowers</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and places like empty lots and meadows</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">would have loads of grape hyacinth and blue bells</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">for big bunches of blossoms to bring my mother.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415121?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415121?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415092?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415092?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415177?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415177?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415124?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415124?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Sometimes it's the simple little flowers</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">wildflowers and weeds</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that bring as much joy as big elegant expensive blossoms</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">All flowers in a garden are unique</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and all are beautiful.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Then I needed another rest...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So lay in the wet grass and took some pics</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and the cats and dogs insisted on some photo op time.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415179?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415179?profile=original" width="526"/></a>First it was Loki again... meeting my gaze across the peninsula</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">reminding me that perhaps I should take it easy and relax a while.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415181?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415181?profile=original" width="526"/></a>He's a sweet guy, and he keeps an eye out for me.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415095?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415095?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415184?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415184?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Who do you see Loki? Not just us two cats anymore?</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Our other black cat Freyja on the way in for a friendly hello</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415129?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415129?profile=original" width="526"/></a>A little nose to nose cat kissing, everyone seems mellow today</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">No big wrassle fests in the garden.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415098?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415098?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Freyja, also known as 'little cat' because she's a petite one</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">is mostly all black, unlike Loki who is all black.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Freyja has a hidden white patch between her hind legs low on her belly</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">She has a crescent moon, hidden there.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Her eyes are green, while loki's are amber yellow almost orange.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Her collar has half moons and stars on it, and his is plain.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">There... now you can tell them apart. *smile*</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415187?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415187?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Now Loki has gone off to rendezvous with the third member of the motley cat crew!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The fluffy puffy ginger terror... is called Odin. He's not full grown yet,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">however he's already bigger than Loki, who's the oldest.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Him and Loki have a lot of boy on boy cat loving and grooming sessions</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">they are the best of pals, and often play together.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Little cat, Freyja is friendly with them, but a little more reserved</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">She still sleeps and cuddles and grooms with them</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but she gets annoyed with too much rough housing from giant teen kitten Odin.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415101?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415101?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Freyja was more interested instead in flirting with me from the garden</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">while the boys played, hoping I might want to give her some love</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">instead of taking silly pictures.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415131?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415131?profile=original" width="526"/></a>The pugs were wandering around too...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415191?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415191?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Luna, is our black puggy girl. Technically she's 3/4 pug and 1/4 boston terrier.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So not just a pug.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415134?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415134?profile=original" width="526"/></a>She also was hoping maybe I'd put the camera down...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">give her a few belly rubs and ear scritches.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Don't feel bad for her... she gets spoilt lovies from me all day long. :)</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415204?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415204?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415136?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415136?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Yes, the regal pug... and not to be left out of things...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Iggy Piggy, St. Ignatius, the great and glorious Pig</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415197?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415197?profile=original" width="526"/></a>This is a brindle boy of distinction who is very friendly</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but very bossy and likes to tell you off.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">He's chatty, more than yappy, as his voice isn't that yappish</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">more... well, hmmm, impossible to describe</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">If he had access to a ball of some kind</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">it would have been in his mouth and he'd have</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">been hounding me all morning.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415207?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415207?profile=original" width="526"/></a>My fur babies!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415139?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415139?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Okay... so, enough of a break for me.. lets wander some more</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">if you're not bored yet that is...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">me, I can spend all day in the garden.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Turning back to look at the shed, I see one of the antique bird cages I've hung</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The rose is climbing over it, but there is still plenty of access for birds.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">We put seed inside and leave the cage doors open</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the birds fly in and out and feed, and are safe</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the smaller tiny finches will fly right between the bars!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415199?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415199?profile=original" width="526"/></a>No birds in the garden today for me to photograph...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">not with all 3 cats in the yard and on the prowl!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">To photograph birds, I need to be out when the cats are napping!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">we haven't put a seed bell or tray of seed in that cage for a while</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">should do so, it's wonderful to see a dozen birds busy</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in and around, in and out, clinging to rose branches and cage bars</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I can't wait till the roses are in bloom...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">some are starting</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415142?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415142?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Mostly just the one in the pot by the back deck stairs...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415210?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415210?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415144?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415144?profile=original" width="526"/></a>It can't decide if it's pink, or peach, it's a blush...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">This one is called a 'sandalwood rose'</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and it has a beautiful scent.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415212?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415212?profile=original" width="526"/></a>I love roses... something so majestic yet innocent about them.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and the scent... so sweet and subtle.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415256?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415256?profile=original" width="526"/></a>We have in the rose garden by the shed...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">white roses, red roses, pink roses</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and purple tiger striped roses (I got for my birthday one year)</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">miniature roses and big roses, and climbing roses</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I'm excited for when they come...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the roses and the peonies.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">But for now, in that garden bed...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">just more crazy fancy mutant tulips!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415214?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415214?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415216?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415216?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415260?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415260?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415219?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415219?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Look, the one above has a tiny bee or wasp of some kind, perhaps a mason bee</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">These are very beneficial for pollinating in the garden</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">they also kill pest insects, and are non-stinging</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">We're planning on building mason bee houses this year</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">to encourage more of them in the garden.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415262?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415262?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415147?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415147?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Lots of those warm multi-toned mult-petalled multi-headed tulips!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and also some more stripey frilly leafed ones!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415266?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415266?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415268?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415268?profile=original" width="526"/></a>So here I was laying in the wet grass with my camera in front of the rose beds now</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">shooting the tulips... and of course, Loki still following me close</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">wanders by...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415303?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415303?profile=original" width="526"/></a>What's this...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">he wants me to show you whats down the little fenced off area</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">besides the shed along the side fence.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It's a little side garden leading down to the compost pile.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Loki feels I'm paying too much attention to flowers</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and not enough to compost.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">He thinks I'm hunting perhaps...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">stalking in the grass with him</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Maybe he's trying to teach me where</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">to go... come look for rats Mama!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the rats are down here in the compost!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415290?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415290?profile=original" width="526"/></a>I let my camera follow him down there, but I stayed put laying down in the grass</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I watched him climb the pile and jump on the fence.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">He stared at me a while, like a gargoyle.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Trying to psychically send me messages perhaps</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that this</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">this is where the hunting's good.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">He gave up soon and came padding back to me.<a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415316?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415316?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Then Ash came out in the garden...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">perhaps to check on me, they do that you know.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">make sure I haven't fallen somewhere and can't get up ;)</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They're not fooling me...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415245?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415245?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Freyja came back round, and Odin too, to join Loki, Ash and I by the side fence.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Ash had a mug of something with her... maybe milk?</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Can we see... is it milk? will you share?</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Milk's not good for most kitties.. can make them sick,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but a sniff and a quick baby sip doesn't hurt these guys.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415367?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415367?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Now Ash also follows me around in the garden with the furry family members</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">she however is more discreet.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415405?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415405?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Peeking along the side fence in the other direction opposite the shed,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">has us looking along the side of the house too.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The side garden beds are planted with all kinds of things</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Though only some are here with the spring</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">mostly tulips again, but some of the herbs are growing</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Past the little gate opposite is an area that's been planted</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">vegetable garden here, tucked away.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415409?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415409?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Nothing to see in that front corner of the back yard yet...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">except for messy rocky weedy dirt...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">so I wont show more of it. :)</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">There's a twisty trunk little tree that grows along that fence</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It makes bright red berries in winter...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but I don't know what it is</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">anyone?</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415417?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415417?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Another antique birdhouse I painted hangs as another feeder</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and a birdhouse I painted above it, which needs to be moved to a safe location</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">so the birds can use it again next year.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">No birds.. wonder why...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415428?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415428?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Well if it were just the dog at the base of the tree,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">the birds wouldn't mind, the dogs ignore them, so they ignore the dogs</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">but not so the cats.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Here Iggy is trying to explain that this type of tree is good for sniffing</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">While Loki is trying to explain that rather this tree is good for scratching</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They share culture between them often</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">so we have pugs with feline habits,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and cats with canine courtesies.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415478?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415478?profile=original" width="526"/></a>Standing by the strange little tree and taking more pictures of Loki</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I see a small dark grey rat in the grass</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">it looks like it could almost be sleeping, but for the open shiny eyes</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">freshly killed, compost pile?</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Evidently if I'm not going to learn to hunt</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I must be provided for.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I decided to opt not to take a picture of the rat close up.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and removed it instead.</p>
<a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415503?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415503?profile=original" width="526"/></a><br/>
<p style="text-align: center;">So back to the garden. Along the side fence also currently in bloom</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">are some beautiful white bleeding hearts and some blood red carnations</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">they're growing in front of a thai buddha I have there.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415485?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415485?profile=original" width="526"/></a>I love bleeding heart flowers, and this evening as I write this</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">My husband Wolfe and ash are in the garden planting more flowers</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">some that look very similar to bleeding hearts with a big long hard to spell name</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that are dark blood red and more exotic looking.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Looking forward to seeing them, as they weren't in this mornings garden!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415436?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415436?profile=original" width="526"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415514?profile=original"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">So these little heart blossoms are the last of treasures from the garden</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">that I have to show you today anyways...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415514?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415514?profile=original" width="526"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I hope you enjoyed wandering through my garden with me...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">and that I didn't tire you out too much!</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It was a long wander, it took a lot out of me,</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">so I'm off for a late dinner and a rest now.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Live in Love</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Leila</p>
<br/>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>Unconditional Love and Conditional relationships - Healthy boundaries.tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-05-13:6363372:BlogPost:2737232011-05-13T17:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<a href="http://blacksparrow07.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/love-quote.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://blacksparrow07.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/love-quote.jpg"></img></a> <br></br>
<p> </p>
<p>I wrote this as a reply in the forum on a discussion on cult activity, and wanted to post it as a blog, as this is information I feel strongly about in regards to negotiating compassion, love and non-judgement toward others.</p>
<p>To have unconditional love and acceptance for all of humanity, being non-judgmental, and allowing others their personal freedom, doesn't mean…</p>
<a target="_blank" href="http://blacksparrow07.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/love-quote.jpg"><img class="align-right" src="http://blacksparrow07.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/love-quote.jpg"/></a><br/>
<p> </p>
<p>I wrote this as a reply in the forum on a discussion on cult activity, and wanted to post it as a blog, as this is information I feel strongly about in regards to negotiating compassion, love and non-judgement toward others.</p>
<p>To have unconditional love and acceptance for all of humanity, being non-judgmental, and allowing others their personal freedom, doesn't mean that one necessarily literally turns the other cheek, or allows someone to murder or seriously harm oneself or others.</p>
<p>In fact if someones hurting others, our instinctive loving compassionate ethical response is to intervene to protect the person being hurt, we should follow these intuitive instincts to protect self and other from genuine harm. Because we must also show that same love, compassion, and respect of personal freedom to those being harmed as well, and to self, and in order to truly show love for self, and for others, we do our best to prevent harm and abuse from happening to anyone. </p>
<p>So one intervenes, runs away, takes whatever action one deems is most compassionate and reduces harm to -all- involved, treating the 'harmer' as well as the 'harmed' with love and respect as best one can.</p>
<p>I don't believe you are really loving and helping and empowering a persons freedom, if you passively allow them to actively harm other people, themselves, or your own self. Allowing an abuser to abuse, a hurt person to hurt others, is not being compassionate toward them, as they are also damaging themselves in the process.</p>
<p>If you truly unconditionally love someone, do you allow or encourage them to be an abuser? to harm others? Are they not also harming themselves and their own spirit in their activities. Tough unconditional love, with conditional relationships means healthy boundaries, it means not enabling people to engage in activities that harm themselves and others. Really loving people all people, means letting others know when their actions are outside the range of what you think people living in healthy loving communities should look like. Respecting your freedom for your own limits is as important as respecting theirs... without that self love, and trust and respect in your own ethics, beliefs, and instincts, without that compassion toward self that creates healthy personal boundaries, you can effectively manage unconditional loving relationships with others.<a target="_blank" href="http://eyecandybazaar.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/LifestyleQuotes.jpg"><img class="align-full" src="http://eyecandybazaar.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/LifestyleQuotes.jpg"/></a></p>
<p>One creates healthy limits and boundaries, communicates them, and expresses one's personal limits. We choose what is acceptable and allowable from the people in our lives. We have the option to set healthy boundaries, and enforce them. Unconditional Love, Conditional Relationships.This type of 'tough love' is healthy, to have limits on what types of behaviour you will allow others to treat you with, or to engage in around you. You have the right to insist on things, from whether someone will touch you, or smoke in your home. Some healthy boundaries come natural to us, and others we may struggle with.</p>
<p>Is this subjective, tricky to define ground? in terms of what is harm and what isn't?, what should be interfered with or not, what one 'judges' as harmful or abusive? absolutely.</p>
<p>Like it or not, life can be no other way, we cannot be removed from our subjective perception.</p>
<p>So we just struggle by to do our best, to make the most compassionate, respectful loving ethical choices we know how to according to the best of our knowledge, and be gentle with self and others, understanding they are doing the same.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414720?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414720?profile=original" width="197"/></a>Leila</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414726?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414726?profile=original" width="277"/></a></p>Last weekend in the garden...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-05-05:6363372:BlogPost:2366182011-05-05T22:12:23.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Last weekend I was taking it pretty easy, my family set up the hammock in the backyard so I could hang out with them while they were gardening.</p>
<p><a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414735?profile=original" target="_self"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414735?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"></img></a> Just because you're 'bed' bound doesn't mean you're stuck laying around in a bed... I cruise between beds, couches, hammocks, hot tubs, and have been known to lounge on the ground... though getting back up from that is not always…</p>
<p>Last weekend I was taking it pretty easy, my family set up the hammock in the backyard so I could hang out with them while they were gardening.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414735?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414735?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>Just because you're 'bed' bound doesn't mean you're stuck laying around in a bed... I cruise between beds, couches, hammocks, hot tubs, and have been known to lounge on the ground... though getting back up from that is not always easy.</p>
<p>Iggy is the little brindle puggy dog in the foreground who is staring focused on me, all he wants is for me to throw his toy, he's a single minded boy, chase the ball, chase the ball, chase the ball. I was too tired to throw for him, but he wasn't going to stop being hopeful.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414799?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414799?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>The other puggy love was laying on the hammock with me much of the time, you can see her eye peeking at you from the other side of me. Luna is a big loungey suck, and was on the hammock a heartbeat after I was. Front and center is my strange little familiar scruff muffin of a cat... Loki.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414819?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414819?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>He was after some loving too, but mostly he was after my melon... he loves fruit and he was hoping I was going to share off my tray with him.</p>
<p>When he wasn't hanging with me on the hammock he was watching the birds. Of our three cats he's the least effective hunter... but he likes to pretend.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414829?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414829?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>He likes to pretend he's well hidden as he's mostly exposed... and will make ridiculous leaps at birds that are well out of reach, he has a very vivid... imagination.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414926?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414926?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>It's amazing how fast the day went, watching the pugs playing, the cats cavorting... and the birds singing, mating, feeding, fighting, nesting, and teasing the cats, and watching my husband Wolfe and his girlfriend ash gardening away as gray checked on me and made sure I had food, and drink, and meds... unfortunately even though ash brought me a hat, we forgot sunscreen, I didn't think I'd need it in the mild spring sun... but time flew by, and I did end up with a mild burn on my arms.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414955?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414955?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>Wolfe was busy tilling under garden beds getting ready for us to plant lots of new goodies in the garden this year, and ash was busy planting new plants we had gotten. <a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414895?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414895?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>They're always asking for input from me as well, so I feel very much a part of the garden 'team'. :)</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415011?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415011?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>I think my most of my time ended up being simply sky and tree and bird gazing. Maybe it's the feline in me, but the brightly blooming branches of the pink dogwood tree move in the wind so enticingly...</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414973?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414973?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>The buds are only starting to come and to open, but soon it will be covered in deep pink blossoms...</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414978?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414978?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a></p>
<p>...and the birds are like living moving jewels, bright with song, their eyes always catching mine and the cats warily as they go about their day.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415060?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415060?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>They're so clever for something so small and delicate, and so busy living.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415032?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415032?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>We have multiple feeders in the garden and the backyard is always absolutely bustling with bird life.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415067?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415067?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>They always cheer me up, like they're little messengers of peace and joy. I always think of the Bob Marley song, Three Little Birds, and in the song the birds bring the message "don't worry, 'bout a thing, 'cuz every little thing, is going to be alright'... <a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415071?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415071?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>There's so many times, where I'll catch three birds in a row in my view somewhere, and the song is in my head and my heart, and in all the little chirps and tweets around me... silly, but sweet. I'm so in love also with the neighbour's magnolia tree in the alley across the way, I'm so grateful it's there. I wish the blooms lasted if you pick branches, but they don't..( yeah.. I may have pilfered a few magnolia twigs in my day).</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415073?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415073?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>I was so tired this last weekend, sore, and pretty out of it to boot, lol. Going out to a Dr.'s appt earlier in the week and letting myself get too stressed over little things ended up giving me what fibromites refer to as a 'flare' which basically just means a flare up/increase in some of my symptoms. I try to pace myself as best I can, but when I have to break routine, I can get set back.</p>
<p>In the back of these pics you can see huge hunks of concrete, poor Wolfe had to dig and pull these 50+ lbs hunks from the ground, previous residents used as fill. If I were up to it I'd want to do something sculptural with them, but I'm not, lol, so their going. I have to admit I enjoyed watching him move them, something about rippling muscles and sweat that appeals.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415043?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415043?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>the vine/tree/bush that's in bondage against the back fence there is a wolf berry, also known as goji berry. We planted it last year and had some berries right away, so I'm excited to see what it will produce this year, it's only just started getting all leafy and happy again with the spring. Do you see the two little cute tweeties in the tree? :)</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414995?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414995?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>Loki does.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414998?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414998?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>But don't worry for the birds... all the cats are belled, and they do manage to get one rarely... but not this cat... Loki finds catching leaves challenging. ;) Well, maybe not that bad a hunter, but he is a little, special, we tease him about it, he's a clumsier cat.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415048?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415048?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>Which he tolerates... mostly.. since he's just a big sucky suck. I think I'm going to go hunt him down now for a snuggle, hope you've enjoyed the pics!</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415152?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415152?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a></p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74415080?profile=original"><br/></a></p>A big day out...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-28:6363372:BlogPost:2016342011-04-28T17:44:23.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414079?profile=original" target="_self"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414079?profile=original" width="499"></img></a> A day out... I don't put on clothes much these days, so when I do, it's an event. lol. In this case, I needed to go to the Dr.'s to get my CPAP machine for the sleep apnea and go to the mall drugstore... So, an occasion, to put on clothes.</p>
<p>The trip wore me out, and thankfully I won't have to go back for a while, someone else can drop off the machine chip with my info for…</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414079?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414079?profile=original" width="499"/></a>A day out... I don't put on clothes much these days, so when I do, it's an event. lol. In this case, I needed to go to the Dr.'s to get my CPAP machine for the sleep apnea and go to the mall drugstore... So, an occasion, to put on clothes.</p>
<p>The trip wore me out, and thankfully I won't have to go back for a while, someone else can drop off the machine chip with my info for me in a couple of weeks time.<a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414094?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414094?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a></p>
<p>I actually don't have many pics of me in my wheelchair, I guess primarily because I lost mobility relatively quickly in some respects, and by the time I talked myself into a wheelchair, going out in the chair has also become challenging. I get a lot of cramping now in my torso and abdominal muscles when I sit for long. Someone was suggesting getting a brace, but quite frankly sitting up for a long time makes me feel unwell in other ways also, that I'm not sure bracing myself up by strapping another piece of expensive equipment to me is going to be much of an improvement. Besides, I have lots of lovely fetish corsets that serve the same purpose, and if I'm going to have a support structure take the work off my supporting muscles I rather one of satin with steel boning.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414193?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414193?profile=original" width="499"/></a>I had a hard time finding pics of me in the wheelchair that I liked... not used to seeing me in it. Also, I'm uncomfortable sitting up in the chair, and in some more pain in these pics, so I think the energy of that discomfort comes through.</p>
<p>It also doesn't help that I've put on about 30 lbs in the last 3 months. Not sure what's going on there, as nothing has changed really with me and my routine, it's just whatever my body is doing now. It's not like I haven't been a lot fatter in the past, at my highest weight I was 295 lbs, now I'm 215.</p>
<p>My chair is a custom jobby, and I have a fancy headrest too because my head gets heavy, which isn't on the chair in this pic. I also have a sheepskin on it for cushioning because I get touch/pressure sensitivity at times as well, so it reduces pain and discomfort from that.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414146?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414146?profile=original" width="444"/></a>The head shots... those I took while I was at home laying down, lol, I cheated... comfortable, I take a better pic...</p>
<p>It's hard, sometimes, sharing about, processing, my limitations, my weaknesses, my disabilities... they are a part of me, but at the same time, they don't define me in the ways that often people would assume, and I get tired of the focus being on the 'unwellness'... pain, fatigue, exhaustion, loss, these and other related challenges are things I face everyday, but I cannot let them become ALL of my life, or even most of my life... not and have the life I want. The life I want is a productive life, full of love, friendships, and positive growth. The life I want is one where I can make a positive difference in the lives of people I encounter. The life I want is where the focus is not on trying to determine where the pain is, where the illness is, and what it feels like.... but where the focus is on where the love is, where the wellness is, and what THAT feels like...</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414304?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414304?profile=original" width="499"/></a></p>stream of consciousness poem... reflections on a rainbowtag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-27:6363372:BlogPost:1949532011-04-27T04:37:58.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414099?profile=original" target="_self"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414099?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"></img></a></p>
<p> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The rainbow over my street today</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">came bright and brilliant</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in the asphalt scented air</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">as the rain brought the perfume</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">of the sun</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">from spring warm…</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414099?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414099?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a></p>
<p> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The rainbow over my street today</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">came bright and brilliant</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in the asphalt scented air</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">as the rain brought the perfume</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">of the sun</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">from spring warm concrete</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It climbed high</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">above the biting branches</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">of the cruel monkey tree</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">carving arcs of luminous colours</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">rich like ribbon candy</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">across the stormy sky</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Twinning itself</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">in pale reflection</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">as if it wasn't glorious enough</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">once</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">creating an encore of delights</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">across the wind etched sky</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Clouds moving with cinematic speed</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">weather confusion</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">light and water</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">refracting in a miracle of bliss</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">a kiss</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">for my tired eyes</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">(written 26/04/2011 9:30 PM - Rainbow captured on cam 7PM)</p>Learning to Love yourself.tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-26:6363372:BlogPost:1932052011-04-26T21:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414167?profile=original" target="_self"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414167?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"></img></a> Your relationship with yourself is not all that different from your relationship with other people. In fact, what kind of relationship you have with yourself will influence your existing relationships with others.</p>
<p>One of the most important things you can do in life is have a loving relationship with yourself, like any relationship, relationships take work on an ongoing…</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414167?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414167?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>Your relationship with yourself is not all that different from your relationship with other people. In fact, what kind of relationship you have with yourself will influence your existing relationships with others.</p>
<p>One of the most important things you can do in life is have a loving relationship with yourself, like any relationship, relationships take work on an ongoing basis. Even if you do feel you love yourself, never take yourself for-granted, maintain that loving relationship with self. If you don't feel you love yourself, it's about time to focus on perhaps one of the most important things you can do.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414180?profile=original"><img width="544" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414180?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="544"/></a>You may have heard that you can't truly love another person unless you love yourself. While technically I don't believe that to be entirely true, certainly we can feel mixed feelings toward both self and other, and emotions are far from black and white. However, we cannot allow ourselves to truly -feel- loved by another person fully until we can love ourselves fully enough to feel worthy enough to allow ourselves to receive that love. We may feel desperate for love, but if a part of us feels unworthy it doesn't matter how much we love our partner or our partner loves us, we will feel that something is missing, a void inside... that is the void that can only be filled from the well of one's own soul, and is that of self love.</p>
<p>Like all relationships, learning to communicate with yourself is key. Patience is key.</p>
<p>It can be helpful to acknowledge right away that there is a part of yourself that loves you. You may have a lot of self love, or you may have so little that you're skeptical as you're reading this when I say there IS a part of yourself that loves you. It's the part that's interested in reading this here now, it's the part that is hopeful.</p>
<p>Let yourself as best you can, feel that part of you, that cares about you, what does that part of you feel like? The loving part of you that loves yourself? Get to know that part of yourself, try to listen to that part of yourself.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414207?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414207?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a>The first steps to loving yourself, are getting to know yourself, and accepting yourself. That doesn't just mean focusing on the parts of yourself you like, it means facing your demons. It means getting honest with yourself about the parts of yourself you don't like and accepting those too. Just because you accept parts of yourself and love them, doesn't mean you can't work toward changing them, in fact, we often cannot change what we cannot fully acknowledge and accept. Acceptance doesn't mean condoning current harmful behaviors toward yourself and others that you might have, it simply means acknowledging they are a facet of who you are now as a whole person who is deserving of love.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414259?profile=original"><img class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414259?profile=original" width="620"/></a>Sometimes it can be helpful to think of yourself as two parts, the parenting part that is going to love and take care of yourself, and then the part of you that needs to learn to love and be loved. If the loving part of you was going to take care of someone they loved and adored, how would you treat them, how would you talk to them, how would you treat yourself if you were your own soul mate? your own baby/toddler/child? your own ailing grandparent? Would your self talk be the same?</p>
<p>Listen to how you talk to yourself in your head, and try to encourage and remind that loving part of you to take over more, and quiet the negative voices. Do your best to listen to and encourage that part of you that does care about you to let you take care of yourself.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414226?profile=original"><img class="align-left" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414226?profile=original" width="422"/></a>Being honest with yourself is a big part of that. Listening to what your feeling, recognizing your own feelings and thoughts, figuring out where they're coming from and why, whether they're ultimately serving the purpose of making you a happier more loving compassionate person, or whether you're getting in your own way.</p>
Being patient and gentle with yourself when you're less than perfect, and to just keep doing the best you can day by day, moment by moment, and trying not to beat yourself up when you feel you've failed, but learn from it and grow from it instead.<br/>
<br/>
<p>It gets easier, with practice, like anything else.</p>
<p>Where do you begin to love yourself... start with a hello, strike up a conversation with yourself, don't be afraid to talk to yourself, don't be afraid to listen... and it doesn't hurt if you take yourself out to dinner and a movie or buy yourself flowers now and then...</p>
<p> </p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414325?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-center" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414325?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414330?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414330?profile=original" width="197"/></a>Leila Raven</p>Unsolicted emails from my cyber stalker. :)tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-25:6363372:BlogPost:1880452011-04-25T23:30:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>A suspended member has sent you a message on Temple Illuminatus. Bunny of a honey (<a href="mailto:rockneasterbunny@yahoo.com">rockneasterbunny@yahoo.com</a>) writes:<br></br> <br></br> <em>Lelia, your funny.. Do you really think im not on there right now lol ? Please.. and fyi.. I dont care if any of your members join anywhere.. that is not the point, I have contempt, not hate, annoyance not rage, at your ethics, the way you try to work your charm and spam silently using links, adding the same ass…</em></p>
<p>A suspended member has sent you a message on Temple Illuminatus. Bunny of a honey (<a href="mailto:rockneasterbunny@yahoo.com">rockneasterbunny@yahoo.com</a>) writes:<br/> <br/> <em>Lelia, your funny.. Do you really think im not on there right now lol ? Please.. and fyi.. I dont care if any of your members join anywhere.. that is not the point, I have contempt, not hate, annoyance not rage, at your ethics, the way you try to work your charm and spam silently using links, adding the same ass discussions to all the sites you do, you are no better then me, in fact I think worse, for Im upfront about what im about, you came to my site and tried to spam with your hot topic links, etc. You ARE A SPAMMER, AND I KNOW IN TIME IT WILL COME FULL CIRCLE.. So if you must mention my name, could you leave out your dumbass prjections, your insecure not me..</em><br/> <em>And leave me be, for I come the way of the Witches...</em><br/> <em>Also im still on your site, I just am about to log on infact, I have to redo my cookies and temp files of course lol</em></p>
<p>The funny thing is she considers me a spammer because of all things... I used the RSS feed provided on my profile page on her site to link to our discussion feed... now. An RSS feed serves one purpose and one purpose only, to feed external information from another site into it. That's what it's designed for, if you don't want people to bring in foreign content don't provide an RSS feed.... All she would have had to do was say hey, please don't use the RSS feed, it's against our policies, I just don't know how to remove it, or, what have you. I'd have eithered honoured her rules, or if I felt they were unfair at the time, left the site....</p>
<p>She wants me to leave her be? lol, that's the funny thing, I have made no initiation to contact this woman at all since she banned me from her site, and when she joined this one I welcomed her, and gave her the benefit of the doubt, only for her to spam all my members...</p>
<p>At first her behaviour pissed me off, now I'm just sad for her... What does she think I'm 'secretely doing' exactly I wonder, and why does she think I'm doing it? LOL... it makes no sense. The best way to build any community... is start with making friends, friendship is the back bone of community. If you support others, they will support you.</p>
<p>I support the sites I join, yes, I also add my material from this site which promotes this site, but I always try to do so respectfully within the rules of each site I join. I believe in win win situations, and the sites I've stayed on are those that seem to be very aware of this process, that when we all lift each other up in life, we all ascend together.</p>
<p>The wonderful thing is... no matter how hard someone else tries to pull you down, if you refuse to stoop to their level... you're going to be a ok.</p>
<p>So, if you have an interest in Vampires, go join the Vampire Metrou and make friends with this woman who runs it, she definitely could use some good friends, I gave it a good shot, because I enjoy being friends with other site owners with similar interests, but I think some people maybe don't know how to build authentic friendships.... no wonder they are unable to also build authentic communities.</p>
<p>and Yes little devil, I assume you're reading by your obvious level of unhealthy obsession with me, of course I know you're here, probably mutliple accounts, knock yourself out. I'm sure I could isolate and block your IP, well my tech minded hubby could, but honestly I can't be bothered. You're one of the least of my concerns in life, in fact, you're not a concern at all. I wish you well, and I still have some mild hope maybe I can 'get through' to you. If there is one thing I am a sucker for, it's just trying to keep helping people even when they don't want it. lol.</p>
<p>You don't worry me, and people like you only succeed ultimately in ruining one reputation, their own. My actions stand for themselves, as do my words, and so do yours. People will judge you on what you say and do, as they do me. You make the mistake of thinking I'm doing something 'hidden' and evil... lol, I'm not. I'm someone that likes to keep everything out in the open, I just care about people, and they care back... If you believe in what you preach, you should try to do the same. Love the people that hate you, mistrust you, dislike you, whatever... forgive, and let live.</p>
<p>Peace to all</p>
<p>Live in Love</p>
<p>Leila</p>
<p> </p>The doves are back...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-25:6363372:BlogPost:1873682011-04-25T22:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Beautiful day today... Last year when the roses started blooming, I awoke one morning to the cooing of a dove, sitting amongst the blood red buds of my roses. The dove came and went a few times, and soon was spotted with a mate. Over the winter I didn't see them.</p>
<p>This Easter Monday, the doves have returned, together, cooing and pecking in the seed under the birdfeeders.</p>
<p>So beautiful, pretty little pale ring necked doves...</p>
<p>I didn't get a great shot of them, hard to do…</p>
<p>Beautiful day today... Last year when the roses started blooming, I awoke one morning to the cooing of a dove, sitting amongst the blood red buds of my roses. The dove came and went a few times, and soon was spotted with a mate. Over the winter I didn't see them.</p>
<p>This Easter Monday, the doves have returned, together, cooing and pecking in the seed under the birdfeeders.</p>
<p>So beautiful, pretty little pale ring necked doves...</p>
<p>I didn't get a great shot of them, hard to do taking a picture through the back glass sliding doors, I wasn't feeling well enough to try to get closer, and really didn't want to scare them away on their first visit of the spring.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414119?profile=original"><img width="750" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414119?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="750"/></a></p>A fictional tale of the wandering website visitor...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-23:6363372:BlogPost:1772152011-04-23T17:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>On another site a curious person writes and asks me about the Temple. "Hi there, I'm interested in learning more about your site Temple Illuminatus, I've been thinking of joining another site, and maybe leaving this one, as I don't have a lot of time to spend online."</p>
<p>I reply "Why are you thinking of leaving here?"</p>
<p>The curious person, "well, all the sites I've been on, this one included, people are so judgemental, opinionated, there's a lot of people that are just crazy or…</p>
<p>On another site a curious person writes and asks me about the Temple. "Hi there, I'm interested in learning more about your site Temple Illuminatus, I've been thinking of joining another site, and maybe leaving this one, as I don't have a lot of time to spend online."</p>
<p>I reply "Why are you thinking of leaving here?"</p>
<p>The curious person, "well, all the sites I've been on, this one included, people are so judgemental, opinionated, there's a lot of people that are just crazy or weird, and a lot of really stupid people. I just want to be a part of a site where people are as intelligent and as enlightened as I am. I just haven't made any friends here".</p>
<p>I reply, "Well, I think you'll find my site is actually a lot like this one in many ways, I've found pretty much, wherever you go, people are the same, you can check it out, for sure, you'd be most welcome, but I'm not sure you'll find it much of a better fit to be quite honest".</p>
<p>They didn't respond to me, and I didn't see them join the site in days to come...</p>
<p>The next day on the same site another curious person writes and asks me about the Temple. "Hi there, I'm interested in learning more about your site Temple Illuminatus, I've been thinking of joining another site, and maybe leaving this one, as I don't have a lot of time to spend online."</p>
<p>I reply "Why are you thinking of leaving here?"</p>
<p>The curious person, "well, I love it here, the people are great, kind, open minded, giving, it's just maybe time for me to explore somewhere different, I just have a curious nature, and I know my friends from here will keep in touch with me either way"</p>
<p>I reply "Well, I think you'll find my site is actually a lot like this one in many ways, I've found pretty much, wherever you go, people are the same, you can check it out, for sure, you'd be most welcome, I think you'll find it a really good fit." :)</p>
<p>I welcomed them to the Temple shortly after...</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>Warrior Boys (Written by me in 2004)tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-21:6363372:BlogPost:1666012011-04-21T02:06:56.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGC/StaticFiles/Images/Show/46xx/465x/4654_EW-Gladiators-Back-from-the-Dead-01_05320299.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="align-center" src="http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGC/StaticFiles/Images/Show/46xx/465x/4654_EW-Gladiators-Back-from-the-Dead-01_05320299.jpg"></img></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Warrior boys<br></br> I have always sought them<br></br> or them me.<br></br> They are not for everyone to see<br></br> they hide, in men.<br></br> Warrior for some, evokes thoughts<br></br> of violence, action, cruelty, and hate<br></br> but warriors are nothing of that<br></br> it’s balance and peace…<br></br></p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGC/StaticFiles/Images/Show/46xx/465x/4654_EW-Gladiators-Back-from-the-Dead-01_05320299.jpg"><img class="align-center" src="http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGC/StaticFiles/Images/Show/46xx/465x/4654_EW-Gladiators-Back-from-the-Dead-01_05320299.jpg"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Warrior boys<br/> I have always sought them<br/> or them me.<br/> They are not for everyone to see<br/> they hide, in men.<br/> Warrior for some, evokes thoughts<br/> of violence, action, cruelty, and hate<br/> but warriors are nothing of that<br/> it’s balance and peace<br/> they wish to create<br/> in their wake.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They are the quiet ones<br/> they listen, more than talk<br/> They are strong, in body<br/> They are strong, in mind<br/> They are strong, in spirit<br/> And like wolves<br/> they move amoung men<br/> rarely seen<br/> misunderstood<br/> the thought of them feared<br/> but when faced with one<br/> they bring instead calm<br/> though rarely recognition<br/> usually one makes the mistake<br/> of thinking of the domesticity<br/> of the pets that surround us<br/> not realizing that what they have before them<br/> is an entirely different kind of animal</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They always know who they are<br/> but few know them for that.<br/> Few but some like I<br/> or other warrior boys.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I know them<br/> for a mother always knows her children<br/> They are little pieces of the gods in men<br/> The goddesses in me are awoken by them</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Kali, the old one, the young one.<br/> The mother, and the destroyer, <br/> the goddess who knows both birth and death<br/> creation and chaos<br/> love and violence<br/> She is one of those ancient mothers<br/> of warrior men.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Awakening the mother and lover in me<br/> warriors</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">They also know themselves<br/> the warrior boys, and when they<br/> see another of their kind<br/> it is often with respect<br/> and usually with admiration<br/> the same respect and admiration<br/> they hold of them selves<br/> because they are solid in their spirits<br/> like stones.<br/> Also like wolves they usually know<br/> the order in which they relate<br/> which one is the more dominant.<br/> They are all alpha males<br/> warrior men<br/> They all seek the alpha bitch<br/> in heat<br/> but they usually know<br/> at a glance at a word<br/> which of the two of them<br/> is the stronger<br/> and if they do not<br/> they do not bother <br/> to fight for the top<br/> unless the need for one leader<br/> truly arises.<br/> They are content<br/> to share the world.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I’m an old mother<br/> in a new world.<br/> A spiritual crone<br/> encased in the flesh of a now<br/> that has lost many<br/> many of it’s connections<br/> with the ways of gods and men<br/> the ways not passed down in rituals<br/> but born from spirit.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">In the night<br/> For I am the night<br/> I hold the moon<br/> for which wolves bay<br/> Nu, Nyx, and was aptly named<br/> ‘as dark as the night’ <br/> in ancient tounge – Leila<br/> In the night<br/> I tried to call down the goddess<br/> rise her up within me<br/> envoke my needful wishes<br/> wake the old gods <br/> in the sleeping warrior <br/> next to me<br/> warrior boys<br/> filling my mind</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Looking upon the face of Castor<br/> and seeking also Pollux<br/> looking upon the face of Romulus<br/> and seeking also Remus<br/> loving both warrior boys<br/> twins, in my heart<br/> but laying, only with one.<br/> Playing the swan to his god<br/> Leda to Zeus<br/> trying to duplicate himself<br/> in me, and hopefully<br/> his brother too<br/> me weaving, like a spider<br/> the threads that flow<br/> through time<br/> through reality<br/> through all places<br/> shining in the moonlight.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Sending out the call<br/> sharp and keen<br/> in the quiet of the night.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Child, come home to your mother</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I awoke like this full still<br/> of constellations<br/> and so I place them here<br/> for people to make of them<br/> what they will</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">But I know nothing<br/> for certain<br/> just the madness<br/> and might<br/> that moves through<br/> my morning mind</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">emptying itself of cobwebs<br/> somehow busy spiders<br/> have been spining<br/> and this<br/> these simple words<br/> are the only evidence<br/> the only part of it<br/> I have to show.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">The rest cannot be seen<br/> cannot be spoken<br/> cannot be held<br/> in hand<br/> or mind<br/> only heart and spirit<br/> you either already know<br/> and have found yourself<br/> in the reading of it.<br/> Or you know not.<br/> Were lost long ago<br/> and still waiting to be found.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Go home to your mothers<br/> all of you<br/> not just the warrior boys<br/> go home to your mothers<br/> and find yourself</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">go home to your mothers<br/> and be lost no more.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I’ve said it thrice<br/> and another time, will do no<br/> more good, and so we reach<br/> the end.</p>Just a personal bloggy blog about my dayey day...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-20:6363372:BlogPost:1648722011-04-20T19:14:55.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414089?profile=original" target="_self"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414089?profile=original" width="478"></img></a> First time in many months I've bothered to take pictures of myself. However, it's been the first time in a long time that I've been out of the house.</p>
<p>Had to go to the Dr.'s, sleep specialist, about my breathing/sleeping issues. It seems even my sleep disorders are disordered, as it's not typical apnea, but some kind of other thing... anyways, treatment approach is the…</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414089?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414089?profile=original" width="478"/></a>First time in many months I've bothered to take pictures of myself. However, it's been the first time in a long time that I've been out of the house.</p>
<p>Had to go to the Dr.'s, sleep specialist, about my breathing/sleeping issues. It seems even my sleep disorders are disordered, as it's not typical apnea, but some kind of other thing... anyways, treatment approach is the same, I need a CPAP machine, which I'll be going to get next week.</p>
<p>gray, my sweet boy helped me get dressed and out today, and I put on a little makeup, and wet down the crazy curly hair I have that I've been letting grow in for now.</p>
<p>I go through phases where I grow it out, always shaving it down again eventually, or at least so it's been the last dozen or so years... not sure how long I'll let it get before it goes again. could be weeks, months or years of letting it grow. Knowing it me it could end up any style and any colour under the rainbow.</p>
<p>It was nice just being in the car and seeing the scenery and getting out, but I find the whole process exhausting, by the time I'm dressed and in the vehicle, I'm worn out. When we have energy we take it very for granted how we use it without thought. We don't think about the effort it takes just to hold the body upright, until it becomes a challenge. It's an interesting process, the shifting of consciousness that accompanies physical changes.</p>
<p>Someone said there's a theory out there that gravity has increased... even if it hasn't, I've certainly become much more aware of gravity and it's force on my body these last few years. The hot tub is a blessing for certain. I wish we could have our own pool. The process of going to the public pool, dressing, undressing, dressing in a bathing suit, etc, all the steps involved, is much to big an undertaking for me (I don't get dressed most days). With the hot tub I just go in and out. If I had a pool I'd spend a couple of hours a day in it. I live in a part of the world where not many people have swimming pools though, not to mention they cost what in my world would be a small fortune.</p>
<p>Not particularly happy with these pics, I had to replace my old laptop with a new one, and the quality of the built in web cam isn't as nice, but workable. Also just not feeling very attractive with my hair growing out, always feels awkward at this length if it's not been shaped/cut at all, and not sure I'm going to get the energy together to go sit in a barber or hairstylists chair. I often prefer the barber when I have short hair, and men's cuts as well.</p>
<p>I think it might be time to get out of the clothes from my morning appointment, and have a little nap...after my small adventure. Driving had me looking at other peoples gardens, and I think I'd like a magnolia tree... going to lay down and dream of flowering tree and bush options for outside my bedroom window in our front garden.</p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414191?profile=original"><img class="align-left" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414191?profile=original" width="197"/></a></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><br/>Leila<a target="_self" href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414234?profile=original"><img class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/74414234?profile=original" width="552"/></a></p>Will be clarifying our policies in regards to 'controversial' materials and free speech.tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-17:6363372:BlogPost:1537452011-04-17T16:15:51.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Today or in the next few days I'll create a page outlining our policies in regards to everything from free speech, and dealing with controversial humour, controversial subjects, dealing with perceived prejudices and even outright hate literature, etc. To make a more clear statement on my policies and view on this.</p>
<br></br>
<p>To be honest, I've been unsure where I wanted to draw the lines in the sand exactly myself, and how I wanted to really deal with the issues of balancing freedom of…</p>
<p>Today or in the next few days I'll create a page outlining our policies in regards to everything from free speech, and dealing with controversial humour, controversial subjects, dealing with perceived prejudices and even outright hate literature, etc. To make a more clear statement on my policies and view on this.</p>
<br/>
<p>To be honest, I've been unsure where I wanted to draw the lines in the sand exactly myself, and how I wanted to really deal with the issues of balancing freedom of speech, and maintaining dialogue around controversial issues in an effort to focus on education and healing, and keeping members protected and fostering inclusion. These are tricky issues.</p>
<br/>
<p>In part my views on how to approach it have changed and grown, and it wasn't really until I've had a few situations arise that have helped me firm up exactly how I want to 'officially' handle things. Sometimes it take us facing conflicts to know how we want to deal with those conflicts, and sometimes it can be a process of trial and error.</p>
<br/>
<p>So what I'm going to try to do, is outline a policy in terms of handling these things via social dialogue. In sociology we learned that when dealing with even serious cases of prejudice, such as racism, etc, the best thing to do actually make any kind of real change... is to work together, and to maintain an open dialogue. If we try to send the people we have conflict with away, nothing ever changes. It's a band-aid approach that 'protects' people at the expense of propagating the very threat we are trying to protect them from, it keeps the divisionary forces active, alive, and well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have a lot more to say on this, but it's germinating.. gestating.. it'll all get sorted out hopefully in my head and on some kind of policy page.. .one thing at a time.. lol.</p>
<p> </p>Personal Processing... Scaling back and centering self.tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-17:6363372:BlogPost:1535652011-04-17T15:13:13.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Before I even get to the 300+ messages in the mailbox, I want to take some time to process, and I do that best by blogging.</p>
<p>I want to start by saying this site and it's members mean a lot to me, and it was hard to be away from it for a few days, but it was also good for me too. I can be very protective and I can also be a work-a-holic and tend to push myself on projects far more than I should. Like most people, in any state of health, if you push yourself too hard, you'll make…</p>
<p>Before I even get to the 300+ messages in the mailbox, I want to take some time to process, and I do that best by blogging.</p>
<p>I want to start by saying this site and it's members mean a lot to me, and it was hard to be away from it for a few days, but it was also good for me too. I can be very protective and I can also be a work-a-holic and tend to push myself on projects far more than I should. Like most people, in any state of health, if you push yourself too hard, you'll make yourself sick. This is a lesson I know well, however it seemed I needed a little reminder.</p>
<p>I've been doing over all not too bad in pacing myself, but under estimated how much emotional stress I was subjecting myself too. Cuz, I'm a neurotic over sensitive type, truth be told. I love everyone, and when people get upset at me and decide to dislike me, I get devastated. A little insane for a 41 years old woman, but there you have it, me in a nutshell.</p>
<p>It's particularly bad with other women, I have such a strong desire to have close and trusting friendships, and I find I have to keep myself in check from bending over backwards and letting myself get walked all over. I have a tendency to focus on women who hurt me and put way too much energy into trying to make it better, trying to regain friendship, love, and trust, and find myself bending over backwards. The problem is in the process I neglect myself, and my own needs, as well as many other people in my life that are as deserving, as all my energy gets focused on trying to mend fences with one or two people that in all odds, are just having a personality conflict with me.</p>
<p>Do I have a neurotic desire to be loved and admired by everyone, loved, maybe, admired, no... I prefer it when people see me as an equal to them, not place me on a pedestal and elevate me, or see me as a lesser person. I think it's just more that I take on a sense of responsibility for people, and I'm highly empathic. When people are hurt and upset, I feel it deeply. When they are hurt and upset at me... I feel it directed, and I feel it deeply. When they believe I deliberately meant for them to be hurt... or that I am the type of person that doesn't mind hurting others to benefit themselves. I become devastated. Hurting people hurts me so much, in so many ways, I can't understand how on earth anybody can think ultimately hurting someone else can benefit them. For me the psychic distress involved over rides anything else.</p>
<p>The biggest challenge I'm facing with running this site so far has been interpersonal conflicts with other site owners. Particularly women, and this follows a pattern for me in life, so I'm not surprised. I don't understand the competitive mind, and I have a hard time anticipating the reactions and feelings of people who think very differently than me. I inadvertently hurt people who are hurt by things that I'm not. I make the mistake most people make and assume people will tend to think, feel, and react like me in certain circumstances and not really anticipate that something I may see as a co-operative undertaking, and a win-win situation is going to be perceived as a competitive undertaking, and a win-lose scenario.</p>
<p>Many, if not most of us are brain washed by modern western culture to be highly competitive, and this should come as no surprise to me. We are taught constantly to measure and assess ourselves in thousands of ways and 'rate' this against others. The only purpose in this is to create a society of people who are in competition with one another... this literally sets everyone up as adversaries. In a world where everyone is a threat... everyone is constantly unable to trust anyone else... well, very easy to control by the powers that be.</p>
<p>We live in a world that does it's best to turn people against one another. Competing for resources. Making everything competition. I've always hated that. Maybe it comes from being one of those kids picked last.... I've always thought ranking and rating people against arbitrary classifications was not only stupid... but cruel, and we start with small children, turning them against one another in the school yard.</p>
<p>There I am still... 5 years old, shoved from behind, with a newly skinned knee.. wondering why we all can't play nice. Loving the kid that shoved me, knowing their just scared and angry, because I can feel it radiating off of them, and if I felt that way, I might do the same... Feeling their hurt and rage... at me... but knowing really, it doesn't have anything to do with me at all... the worst part. Is not that they hurt me, because I heal fast, but that they're hurting still, angry at me still, scared still, hating me still... and I can't help them. I can't make it better.</p>
<p>That's where I am again, struggling with myself, to 'just let it go'.... Send the love, send the forgiveness, and move on. If I stop and try to fix those situations, I end up shredding myself in the process, and often end up trying to 'help' people that really don't want my help, quite frankly don't like me, and don't trust me. I need to re-place my trust in the bigger picture, which is what articulating all of this is helping me do... writing for me is the best way to process, and open process is how I like to role... because I think we all need to process and share more together in this world.</p>
<p>I think because we're all ultimately more similar than we think in so many ways... really, don't most of us, except for perhaps a hand full of sociopaths.. just really want to be loved, and accepted? Live a happy peaceful loving caring life?</p>
<p>Anyways, I will likely come back to this again, in different forms and times. For now, it's time to give the fingers a break again.</p>
<p>I have a lot to do today... and in the week ahead. I'm going to have to focus on taking a little better care of my social/emotional resources. Which means I'm going to have to leave a lot of other sites I'm a part of, and focus on just a handful where I really feel I'm in a positive supportive environment to co-create with. Yes, I 'use' other social networks in part as marketing tools, but I do so in a non-exploitative manner that is open, transparent, and is designed to help drive as much as, if not more traffic, to those other sites, as well as maintain memberships on the other sites I'm on. </p>
<p>I'm someone who believes very much that what you give you get back, in multiples. I worry more about helping others, on other peoples websites, than helping myself, knowing that in doing so, I AM helping myself. The most direct way to get ahead in this world... is to get behind other people, and help them. When you stop thinking about yourself and your own needs, and care about other peoples. People give back to you. When you let go of fear, let go of greed, and just trust in a universe where actions are returned, whether you think of it as karma, or the three fold law, or physics, or like me have your own unlabelled view... This is something I have experienced first hand in life. What you sow, you reep.</p>
<p>The big 'secret' to success is simply caring about others, and the successes of others, they in turn care about you... and everyone succeeds... this idea that we have to compete, and that resources are scarce... it's a social lie. Listen to your heart... and to your spirit. It knows better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>Advice to a young woman on another website asking about unrequited love...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-13:6363372:BlogPost:1430052011-04-13T17:58:55.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<em>Hi I know we've just meet, but I feel I can trust you. Can I ask for some advise?</em><br></br> <em>There is this guy. Last year I wrote him a letter confessing my feelings towards him. His in my band so we see each other alot. We talk and tell each other everything, he knows all my scecrets and I know all of his. What his told me about his ex's descusts me, I don't know how anyone could treat someone with such dissrespect. His sweet, kind, careing so I guess its easy for some to take…</em>
<em>Hi I know we've just meet, but I feel I can trust you. Can I ask for some advise?</em><br/> <em>There is this guy. Last year I wrote him a letter confessing my feelings towards him. His in my band so we see each other alot. We talk and tell each other everything, he knows all my scecrets and I know all of his. What his told me about his ex's descusts me, I don't know how anyone could treat someone with such dissrespect. His sweet, kind, careing so I guess its easy for some to take adventige. I am sceriously in love with this guy and have sent him blessings and loving thoughts. I approached him about this letter resently, he dosn't feel the same. I wanted to disslike him so much but he chose his words so carefully. He seems so perfect and his so beautiful. I feel really hurt, but I still love him...I also feel guilty and angry, but I still want to be his friend and maybe one day more than that. I am really lost and don't know what to feel at the moment. Is what I am feeling normal and is there any way I can make his past less painful? I'm so confussed at the moment. I</em><br/> <em> selfishly want him for my own but I also want whats best for him.</em>
<p> </p>
<p>I know how hard that hurt and longing can be when you feel you love someone, and so desperately want to share that love with them, and it's not returned. There are two very real things going on for you, I'm guessing, based from my own experiences in past years and in talking and sharing with others.</p>
<p>One is that you really genuinely have developed loving caring feelings for this guy, that's the part of you, that is actually not hurting, that's the part of you that is okay with letting him go if he doesn't love you because all you want as someone who loves him, is his happiness, and for him to follow his own heart. When we love someone we wouldn't want them to be in a relationship they felt wasn't right for them, even if it meant us losing out.</p>
<p>The other thing you have going on is a big empty hurt inside. This strong need you have to be loved, which was likely there well before you even met this guy. When you do develop feelings for anyone, this big need you have is always going to jump on and piggy back. It's going to tear you up inside, feeling like your needing and missing something, some love, that isn't there. Even if they love you fiercely back, there will probably remain a part that is feeling need and lacking in love.</p>
<p>Now, society has really driven this idea of soul mates home to many of us, and that naturally we start to think, of course we hurt and are empty and yearning for love, when we've been torn apart from a soul mate, or are only half of some twin flame... I believe this is in part a social lie, to keep people feeling insecure, unloved, and easy to be controlled...</p>
<p>Not that we don't have soul mates, the wonderful thing, is we have many. People are their own perfect whole flame, and you can forge a loving bond with any other soul who wishes to form one with you. Any two souls that choose to create a loving soul bond can become soul mates... this I have experienced for myself, have previous memory of from previous lives. I'm still living and loving with my soul mate of 18 years together in this life, so I think I'm coming from a place of positive experience.</p>
<p>So what is that big empty love needing hurt then.. that's the love you're missing giving yourself.</p>
<p>You've probably heard that stupid saying that if you don't love yourself you can't really love someone else? Well it's kind of true, of course you can love them, but that big needing to be loved hurt you're feeling... well that's going to cause all kinds of problems in your life and in your relationships, because no one else can fill that.</p>
<p>The first and primary love we have to fill is that of self love. Not just liking the parts of ourselves we are proud of, but accepting and loving all of ourselves, including the things we see as flaws or negatives. Understanding that these are all facets of what makes us uniquely us, and if we didn't have the 'bad' parts, we wouldn't have the 'good' parts either.</p>
<p>The amazing thing that happens when you really come to accept yourself, love yourself, and share yourself authentically with others. Is when you fall for other people and love them, you become just that part of you that is totally okay with whatever you do or don't share together, and just wanting that other person to be happy.</p>
<p>The other amazing thing that happens, is most people start automatically loving you back, and you'll find yourself with more love than you know what to do with.</p>
<p>I know, that was long, and maybe not what you wanted to hear... but that's what I've got... lol.</p>
<p>How to love yourself more?... start talking to yourself, you'll figure it out. :)</p>
<p>Sometimes it helps to think of part of yourself as the loving caretaking parenting part that guides the rest.</p>Multi-dimensional models, higher dimensional constructs. How many dimensions are there.tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-04-02:6363372:BlogPost:1190242011-04-02T21:49:15.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://boiltheocean.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/mc_escher_relativity.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="align-full" src="http://boiltheocean.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/mc_escher_relativity.jpg"></img></a> These are brief thoughts of mine on the various different ideas of multiple dimensions floating around out there. I have seen theories of 7 dimensions. Theories of 9 dimensions. Theories of 11 dimensions. Theories of 13 dimensions... etc. There are physics dimensional theories like the 11 or 12 dimensional models in string theory. In physics we supposedly live in a 4 dimensional…</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://boiltheocean.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/mc_escher_relativity.jpg"><img class="align-full" src="http://boiltheocean.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/mc_escher_relativity.jpg"/></a>These are brief thoughts of mine on the various different ideas of multiple dimensions floating around out there. I have seen theories of 7 dimensions. Theories of 9 dimensions. Theories of 11 dimensions. Theories of 13 dimensions... etc. There are physics dimensional theories like the 11 or 12 dimensional models in string theory. In physics we supposedly live in a 4 dimensional world, the first 3 being spacial and the 4th being time, with speculation of additional dimensions we don't currently 'live in'. There are New age dimensional theories, and in many we are seen to be living in 3D and many think in a process of global ascension to 5D!</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://virtual2.yosemite.cc.ca.us/johnsonl/WEBCTReading%20PostModern_files/image003.jpg"><img class="align-full" src="http://virtual2.yosemite.cc.ca.us/johnsonl/WEBCTReading%20PostModern_files/image003.jpg"/></a>Basically, it doesn't matter whether one is a so called 'expert' in physics or in a spiritual tradition, the 'experts' don't agree.</p>
<p>I definitely believe we can use these theories as metaphors for greater understanding, but I also think it's impossible for us to truly understand the dimensional constructs that exist beyond any where our consciousness is currently housed. We can grasp tentatively. We can think, hey this sounds probable, lets jump on this. However, personally, I believe that while consciousness is constrained within a dimensional limitation understanding the dynamics beyond that expanse of consciousness is always going be just our best guesses. <br/><br/>I find these models can be good ways of interpreting possibilities, and I believe in an infinite universe, there are infinite dimensions and systems of dimensions to be found. So I think ultimately everyone's theory is correct, however limiting yourself to that theory I think is an error in one's spiritual development.</p>
<p>I think when you get down to it, how one perceives the infinite universe says more about the construct of their current consciousness than the construct of the infinite universe itself which would have infinite constructs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://sites.google.com/site/paranormalzonex/_/rsrc/1287173524781/equipment/full-spectrum-cameras/ghosts%2011.jpg"><img class="align-full" src="http://sites.google.com/site/paranormalzonex/_/rsrc/1287173524781/equipment/full-spectrum-cameras/ghosts%2011.jpg"/></a></p>
<p>Then again... it's just a theory. *smile*</p>The Yin Yang of a Gemini site owner dealing with Drama Lamatics...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-03-31:6363372:BlogPost:1151182011-03-31T19:10:11.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Just to keep those curious updated...</p>
<p>My professional and not so professional responses to dealing with unwanted spam attacks are now as follows.</p>
<p>Professional... removed the spammer</p>
<p>Not so professional... wrestled with some ugly thoughts and feelings for about two hours</p>
<p>Professional... countered attempts at deception by misuse of facts of my person by increasing personal transparency, rather than denying or closeting my person in anyway.</p>
<p>Not so…</p>
<p>Just to keep those curious updated...</p>
<p>My professional and not so professional responses to dealing with unwanted spam attacks are now as follows.</p>
<p>Professional... removed the spammer</p>
<p>Not so professional... wrestled with some ugly thoughts and feelings for about two hours</p>
<p>Professional... countered attempts at deception by misuse of facts of my person by increasing personal transparency, rather than denying or closeting my person in anyway.</p>
<p>Not so professional... I probably should have deleted the porn links when I copied and pasted the letter, shoulda, woulda, coulda, on the fence... need to let it go. Mostly gone.</p>
<p>Professional... helped people process the 'spammattack' with open dialogue and humour.</p>
<p>Not so professional... removed the donation button in an overly dramatic pity party and need to prove myself a 'good' person, and feel a sense of power and control. The 'I don't need anyone I can do this all myself' head space.</p>
<p>Professional... decided I will re-instate in a month (barring winning the lotto). Realizing I can't do this all by myself, well I could, but it wouldn't be half of what I really want it to be if I let people give me the help and support they clearly want to, and allow them the opportunity to contribute.</p>
<p>Not so professional... ate a bunch of cheap easter candy while listening to my mini-violin while recouperating from being dramautized. (being neurotic is very hard work!)</p>
<p>Professional... wrote every single owner of every single network I'm a part of to give them a heads up, without revealing/slandering who the spammer was. Just saying they had been stalking me, joining sites I belong to. Telling the owner of those sites I'm a spammer, and then spamming the sites themselves after they've been there a while.</p>
<p>Not so professional... had a lot of happy tears and trembles from replies I got back from owners of other sites as well as members here lending their support and telling me how much they appreciate me... the gemini half that tends to get a big ego and inflated head had to be wrestled down and given a firm talking to by my more self-depreciating parts.</p>
<p>Professional... Instead of increasing security measures that would restrict freedoms of other members I added a page and a tab to support other ning site owners, and show solidarity in working together, and supporting one another, so everyone can grow and benefit.</p>
<p>Not so professional... blogging every little thing in my head sometimes in order to process... open works for me. The downside of this is people are used to only seeing a part of someone and having to make guesses and extrapolate at what is 'beneath the surface'. With me, nothing is beneath the surface, what you see is what you get, I'm constantly 'communicating' who I am in many different forms, words, images, sound, energy... love. Since people aren't used to this, they assume that I am even more emotional than portrayed, or that there is more, of whatever I'm showing going on, based on what I am showing, because that is how most people operate. So trust me when I say this was a very little upset for me, that was over quickly, and over all I'm proud of myself and how I dealt with it. Mostly in that I allowed myself to learn in grow in expanding my compassionate response to negative actions created by others.</p>
<p>Outside the realm of professionalism, the most important thing I did was move into gratitude and forgiveness. I trust that whatever happens in this world, is what is meant to happen. I surrender to my place in the universe with love and trust accepted what was and moved forward with a heart filled with joy.</p>
<p>Not so professional... I'm exhausted now, writing all those owners and coding that related ning sites page tuckered me right out! But I feel better for having done the hard work, because hard work, always pays off, if nothing else, because one knows they've done their best in life... so now I'm eating more Easter candy, and letting myself have a wee break!</p>
<p> </p>Removal of the donation optiontag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-03-30:6363372:BlogPost:1099012011-03-30T18:28:36.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p>Today has me pondering the donation box. If I were independently wealthy, I wouldn't have to think about this at all, it would be a no brainer to not have it.</p>
<p>Back in the days when I was able to work and pulling in 200$ an hour either as a dominatrix or as a therapist, (more similar than one might expect) it wouldn't have been an issue, but then I would never have had the time to devote to creating a place like this.</p>
<p>I can cover the costs of this place myself if I really have…</p>
<p>Today has me pondering the donation box. If I were independently wealthy, I wouldn't have to think about this at all, it would be a no brainer to not have it.</p>
<p>Back in the days when I was able to work and pulling in 200$ an hour either as a dominatrix or as a therapist, (more similar than one might expect) it wouldn't have been an issue, but then I would never have had the time to devote to creating a place like this.</p>
<p>I can cover the costs of this place myself if I really have to, and maybe I should.</p>
<p>They say money is the route of all evil, and I believe it.</p>
<p>People are obsessed with it, who has it, who doesn't, how to get more of it. I worry that some of the antagonism I've been receving by another site owners has to do perhaps in part with issues about money insecurities. Perhaps they are in financial need and feel that other sites are somehow a competitive threat to their own? or?</p>
<p>If removal of a donation box and covering expenses on my own would mean I wouldn't have to deal with that kind of stress being impacted on people, it would be worth it.</p>
<p>I'm not sure... I guess I'm still rattled by what's been happening and trying to make sense of it, and blogging is how I do that... trying to make sense of why people do mean things, what is it they think I'm doing that is so bad and why? What is it inside themselves that is having them frame my actions in such a negative light.</p>
<p>If this issue was just affecting me, it wouldn't be a problem. Abuse is something I unfortunately have some familiarity of being on the receiving end of. However when people start to drag whole communities into negative drama, it starts to impact many people negatively. That, others being inadvertently caught by the shrapnel... that pisses me off.</p>
<p>Smack me around, but leave other people out of it.</p>
<p>What is important to me is creating a sanctuary for people, and that I can't have when people are intent on disrubting the peace out of their own insecurities... yeah... I think I'm pulling the donation option.</p>
<p>I can handle this, I've got it covered, it unfortunately means I'll have less to donate to other causes, but I can make it work...</p>
<p>Thanks to all those who have supported so far, it's been appreciated.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>Looking for energy...tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2011-03-30:6363372:BlogPost:1090012011-03-30T17:00:00.000ZLeila Ravenhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/0tggrsouvtnfn
<p><a href="http://www.betwc.com/Color_light_Man.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="align-full align-center" src="http://www.betwc.com/Color_light_Man.jpg"></img></a> Reply to a member I wrote this morning on increasing energy... (me giving advice on that?! how ironic, I'm mostly bed bound. lol)</p>
<p>There are a lot of things one can do to increase energy, and it may in part have to do with finding out if there is a reason for having low energy to begin with.</p>
<p>One of the main things is making sure you have really good nutrition going on if you don't already, and…</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://www.betwc.com/Color_light_Man.jpg"><img class="align-full align-center" src="http://www.betwc.com/Color_light_Man.jpg"/></a>Reply to a member I wrote this morning on increasing energy... (me giving advice on that?! how ironic, I'm mostly bed bound. lol)</p>
<p>There are a lot of things one can do to increase energy, and it may in part have to do with finding out if there is a reason for having low energy to begin with.</p>
<p>One of the main things is making sure you have really good nutrition going on if you don't already, and sublingual b12 supplements are your friend.</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mu8u6oUREj8/TSAEkwnwV9I/AAAAAAAAAEw/uLuSvAXgys4/S1600-R/the_chakras_jpg.jpeg"><img class="align-left" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mu8u6oUREj8/TSAEkwnwV9I/AAAAAAAAAEw/uLuSvAXgys4/S1600-R/the_chakras_jpg.jpeg?width=273" width="273"/></a>Mild regular exercise, heavier if you can tolerate it.</p>
<p>Systems that focus on energy building like yoga and tai chi, qi gong, and other eastern systems are particularly excellent, but walking in nature can be just as powerful.</p>
<p>Yoga in particular combines both exercise and meditation, as well as breath. Meditation and Breathing exercises being other powerful ways of increasing energy.</p>
<p>Breathing... perhaps the most underdone thing... there are many types of simple yogic and other breathing exercises that can boost energy.</p>
<p>I recommend you hit you tube and search for some breathing exercise vids... try a few, and use whatever techniques give you results... What I do is complicated, and may not work for you, expirementing to find a good fit is good.</p>
<p>As for music... again, do what works, what gives you energy, is what gives you energy. There's no right or wrong music to listen to, we all have different systems and different things work for different people, learn to listen to how you respond energetically to things.</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://static.desktopnexus.com/thumbnails/400257-bigthumbnail.jpg"><img class="align-full" src="http://static.desktopnexus.com/thumbnails/400257-bigthumbnail.jpg?width=750" width="750"/></a>However, the most important thing is make sure you're getting enough rest as well, often when the body is being lazy it's just saying you're not letting it get enough down time to repair and renew itself. Some of the most powerful animals in the world sleep 18 hours a day... there is nothing wrong with being 'lazy' as long as it's not compromising ones health and happiness.</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://i947.photobucket.com/albums/ad317/xPhoenixxx/Realm%20Posts/RainbowDream.jpg"><img class="align-full" src="http://i947.photobucket.com/albums/ad317/xPhoenixxx/Realm%20Posts/RainbowDream.jpg"/></a>Life is there to be enjoyed. and most importantly.. be gentle and compassionate with yourself... don't feel guilty or bad for being who you are in this moment. We're all doing our best.</p>
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://weavesilk.com/lib/img/wallpapers/rainbow_dark.jpg"><img class="align-full" src="http://weavesilk.com/lib/img/wallpapers/rainbow_dark.jpg"/></a></p>