Pan's Posts - Temple Illuminatus2024-03-29T01:03:01ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Panhttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10853886893?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=1907d62ecbd143cf9bc143228d321e00&xn_auth=no"He Died, Love Endures"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2023-06-05:6363372:BlogPost:36356742023-06-05T17:41:29.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p style="text-align: left;">When he told me that he wanted to give me a place to heal, I hadn't realized that he had made himself my home. </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I am homeless now. </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;">without him</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">When he told me that he wanted to give me a place to heal, I hadn't realized that he had made himself my home. </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I am homeless now. </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;">without him</p>Breakingtag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-11-30:6363372:BlogPost:36299652022-11-30T21:00:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>I think breaking can be a rather beautiful thing, don't you? When a tree grows brittle and falls, it crackles as it's heart tears. Like it is laughing at all the other trees, making its leaves chuckle and rustle with it. An inside joke about the strength we believe we have when we are whole. I think, the tree understands that breaking is its own strength, is its own kind of completeness, serves its own kind of purpose no more or less than others. Maybe that's what I am. The tree in the…</p>
<p>I think breaking can be a rather beautiful thing, don't you? When a tree grows brittle and falls, it crackles as it's heart tears. Like it is laughing at all the other trees, making its leaves chuckle and rustle with it. An inside joke about the strength we believe we have when we are whole. I think, the tree understands that breaking is its own strength, is its own kind of completeness, serves its own kind of purpose no more or less than others. Maybe that's what I am. The tree in the silent wood that laughs as it falls.</p>A Series Of Short Poems: Human Nature Pt. IItag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-10-02:6363372:BlogPost:36285472022-10-02T17:06:36.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But sometimes you meet people</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Who are made of other things</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Who took nature into their hands…</span></p>
</div>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But sometimes you meet people</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Who are made of other things</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Who took nature into their hands and shaped themselves</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<span style="text-decoration: underline;">City</span>"</span></p>
</div>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I met an Skyscraper once</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Looked up at their face and trembled at how small I felt</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And discovered that I am afraid of gravity</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Of countless windows and revolving doors</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Of my own insecurity as their guards pat me down</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Stone faces and cold reflecting eyes</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br/></span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<span style="text-decoration: underline;">Café</span>"</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There are Coffee Shops</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Who always smell like early morning and late rainy nights</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Whose skin and walls are covered with the works of local artists</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hung up behind dimly lit wide stage eyes</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Conversations with them are like open mics</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Filled with slam poetry and snapping fingers</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">While distant jazz murmurs bits of their history against my ears</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<span style="text-decoration: underline;">Highway</span>"</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Some people are Rest Stops</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">They treat themselves like way stations for passing faces</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Their words disrupt their quiet contemplation</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Like the soft buzzing of vending machines</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">On a hot summers day</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Their faces always say, "Welcome"</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">While their bodies door says, "Exit"</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And "Break In Case Of Emergencies" </span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"></div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<u>Dance Club</u>"</span></div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"></div>
<div class="k31gt"></div>
<div class="k31gt"><div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Raves only open up at night</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Neon sign eyes, black lights, glitter, and body painted smiles</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">They are the sleepless, the restless, the ones whose</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Slurred speech pulls back the music and loud ring of voices</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">To reveal their truth</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Little strobing stars wrapped around fragile bones</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Still learning and yearning to make connection with themselves</span></p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"></div>
<div class="k31gt"></div>
</div>Poetry- "Untitled 6"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-10-02:6363372:BlogPost:36283292022-10-02T16:37:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Nature calls me,</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 14pt;">A lovers name upon the wind</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 14pt;">The trees bend against my longing…</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"></div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Nature calls me,</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 14pt;">A lovers name upon the wind</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 14pt;">The trees bend against my longing</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">As the chill-sweet rain sighs against my skin</span></p>
</div>A Series Of Short Poems: Human Nature Pt. Itag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-08-24:6363372:BlogPost:36271942022-08-24T02:50:50.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<span style="text-decoration: underline;">Sand</span>"</span></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I want to meet a Desert</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dry sun for words and hot sand for reaching hands…</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p></p>
</div>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<span style="text-decoration: underline;">Sand</span>"</span></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I want to meet a Desert</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dry sun for words and hot sand for reaching hands</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">May they teach me the meaning of oasis</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Of gratitude for thirst because their water is precious</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I want to hold out my hand as their grains slip between my fingers</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And be reminded of the way erosion destroyed empires</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<u>Snow</u>" </span><br/><br/></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Let the icy Tundra of another's turned back remind me</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">How the snow refracts the light</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Blind me</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">With their monochromatic white plains</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Show me how they become when they cap a mountain’s sharp peak</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When they break into glaciers</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Or melt into the blackened slush beneath tire treads</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<span style="text-decoration: underline;">Jungle</span><em>"<br/><br/></em></span></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The rainforest in another's smile stops me with caution</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Their mystery lips twisting like the rivers of the Amazon</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And their raised brow a lost record of ancient civilizations</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Stone temples pulsing with abandonment and overgrown emotions</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There are stalking jaguars in their silence</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Pythons in the way they hold my hand and squeeze</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"<span style="text-decoration: underline;">Archipelago</span>" </span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">If I ever meet an Island</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I will stare at their beautiful beaches in awe</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And think of how the violence of fire made their shores</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Out of volcanic ash and hid their mettle behind</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Palm tree eyelashes and hurricane laughter</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
</div>
</div>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em><br/>"</em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Time</span>" </span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I will speak of him like an ancient story,</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Told in the middle of the night</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">In the middle of a yellow desert</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">In the middle of a red sandstorm</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Tent flapping and wind blowing</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The oil lamps will flicker</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And the words will come forth, unbidden</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A locked filigree box, opens</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And behind the black veil and smoke haze</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My kohl eyes will travel through you</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Into the distance</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
</div>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"></div>Poetry- "Untitled 5"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-08-24:6363372:BlogPost:36271922022-08-24T02:33:48.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I pray to You often</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">In wordless aching sighs</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Fog in my breath…</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I pray to You often</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">In wordless aching sighs</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Fog in my breath</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Mist in my eyes</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt" style="text-align: center;"><p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dew in the dark</span></p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Between the ceiling and I</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
</div>Art Therapy- Emotions Work- "Anger"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-08-10:6363372:BlogPost:36267752022-08-10T17:17:27.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p><span><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10760735063?profile=original" rel="noopener" target="_blank"><img class="align-center" src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10760735063?profile=RESIZE_710x"></img></a> <br></br><br></br>I found this art therapy exercise on youtube via a channel called "IABET- Consciousness Through Art." In combination with my personal therapist I started creating a series of similar art using this or similar methods. As part of the art therapy, and especially for this one in particular, after the artwork is finish you spend time processing…</span></p>
<p><span><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10760735063?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10760735063?profile=RESIZE_710x" class="align-center"/></a><br/><br/>I found this art therapy exercise on youtube via a channel called "IABET- Consciousness Through Art." In combination with my personal therapist I started creating a series of similar art using this or similar methods. As part of the art therapy, and especially for this one in particular, after the artwork is finish you spend time processing the art by having "conversations" with it which allows you to have a better understanding of what you are feeling or going through. Its an uncomfortable process sometimes but an effective one for those who are struggling with identifying or accepting their emotions or emotionally expressing themselves. </span><br/><br/><span>You can locate the video here: </span><a class="external" href="https://www.deviantart.com/users/outgoing?https://youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM">youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM</a><br/><br/><span>This piece is about processing Anger. More specifically it is about processing anger related to trauma. This one was hard for me to complete because I tend to reject or dismiss all of my anger as irrelevant, irrational, or just altogether harmful and therefore something to be boxed away and ignored. </span><br/><br/><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─<br/><br/></span><span>- Who or what are you?</span><br/><span>I am the enlivening. [I feel like there's lots of background screaming or ambient noise]</span><br/><br/><span>- Why have you come here?</span><br/><span>Necessity.</span><br/><br/><span>- What necessity?</span><br/><span>...</span><br/><br/><span>- What does enlivening mean?</span><br/><span>[a snarl?] That which they cannot take away. That which we keep but cannot hold. That which enlivens the dead and dying and brings new life to the forsaken, forgotten, hidden, and unspoken. I am the enlivening. All fear me.</span><br/><br/><span>- Why do they fear you?</span><br/><span>Pain. Rebirth is pain. Rebirth is suffering. Transformation is pain. Transformation is suffering. I require a sacrifice too costly to bear.</span><br/><br/><span>- Do I fear you?</span><br/><span>No, I am your fear. Yes, because I am. Yes, because you are.</span><br/><br/><span>- What sacrifice do you require?</span><br/><span>Death. To enliven, I require death. Feed me the dead, sickly, and dying, and I will use the pain it brings to break all chains, all barriers, all limitations, all obstacles between to enliven you again.</span><br/><br/><span>- ... Do you want to hurt people? I'm afraid you'll hurt someone... like they hurt me. </span><br/><span>Everyone hurts. I am a face of pain, I eat the pain, I echo the pain. I do not make the pain.</span><br/><br/><span>- But don't people who are angry cause pain to others?</span><br/><span>I am not the same, I am not "others"</span><br/><br/><span>- That's not an answer.</span><br/><span>And that was not truly a question. It was an answer seeking confirmation. You cannot lie to me here.</span><br/><br/><span>- What is your purpose?</span><br/><span>A proving.</span><br/><br/><span>- What is that?</span><br/><span>Who you are and who you will become. I will enliven you.</span><br/><br/><span>- I really don't think I understand what that means.</span><br/><span>You don't need to understand. You need to feed me. You lie again. Hiding is a lie.</span><br/><br/><span>- You are... Very rigid aren't you?</span><br/><span>Pain always feels rigid to those who are familiar with it the most. Truth is a face of pain. You hate this. You honor this. You will honor this.</span><br/><br/><span>- But I don't want to be in pain. They say I should let you go...</span><br/><span>They are irrelevant. They are pain too. I will eat them to enliven you.</span><br/><br/><span>- I don't think "eat" is a very nice thing to say.</span><br/><span>Pain is a not a very nice thing to feel.</span><br/><br/><span>- So are you anger or are you pain?</span><br/><span>... I am a rendering of both and many others.</span><br/><br/><span>- Is there something you need to tell me?</span><br/><span>Break. You need to break. I cannot enliven what is not dead. You need to break so I can make you whole again. Stop fighting me. Break.</span><br/><br/><span>- I don't want to.</span><br/><span>Good. When you finally do break. I will have lots of pain to rebuild you with. You will break eventually. Whether you want it or not. You need it.</span><br/><br/><span>- I hate those words. Those are his words.</span><br/><span>They are ancient words they do not belong to him. He made you his need to break because he couldn't break himself.</span><br/><br/><span>- Will I become like him if I don't break?</span><br/><span>Perhaps.</span><br/><br/><span>- Will I become like him if I do break?</span><br/><span>Perhaps.</span><br/><br/><span>-...</span><br/><span>Likeness is a shallow light. A shadows reflection thinly stretched across an abyss. Perhaps you will contain many likenesses. But you will never be him. Only yourself, enlivened.</span><br/><br/><span>- -sigh- I don't think I like you.</span><br/><span>I don't care if you do or not. I'm not here to like. I'm here to enliven.</span><br/><br/><span>- ... Why do I feel like crying whenever I'm angry?</span><br/><span>It is the pain. You're tears are my blood through the cracks. You need to break. You cannot be contained, you have learned this. You still do not listen.</span><br/><br/><span>- Maybe once everything stops being annoyingly cryptic and symbolic I will. Or maybe you could just say what you mean without being mystical about it.</span><br/><span>...</span><br/><br/><span>- Are you a rock?</span><br/><span>No. I am a pit.</span><br/><br/><span>- Pit as in tar pit or pit as in fruit stone? You kinda look like coal to me.</span><br/><span>Fruit stone. I burn because I am growing. I am enlivening.</span><br/><br/><span>- What do the blue spikes mean?</span><br/><span>They contain me, and I contain them. They are wardens, gate keepers. They are pain and suffering.</span><br/><br/><span>- And the red box?</span><br/><span>You.</span><br/><br/><span>- And the spinning gold and black circles?</span><br/><span>What will be, and what was. I am growing outside of your control. I am always present. I am. I will ever be.</span><br/><br/><span>- I'm tired.</span><br/><span>I know. Not all pain is chosen. You are learning how to choose. But you need to break soon.</span><br/><br/><span>- Or what?</span><br/><span>There is no "or" you need to break soon. You will break.</span><br/><br/><span>- I'm really not digging your vocabulary...</span><br/><span>Because you want to avoid the layers of them. You want them to be bad, so you don't have to break. It is another lie.</span><br/><br/><span>- Apparently I'm really good at lying to myself....</span><br/><span>Perhaps to other parts of yourself. You cannot lie to me. I contain truth. I burn away deceit. I clear the path. I enrich the roots. I heat the heart of you. I am more than you believe me to be. It is his fault.</span><br/><br/><span>- His?</span><br/><span>....</span><br/><br/><span>- Why?</span><br/><span>He made you too strong. Now you will not break. Remember what Mai told you.</span><br/><br/><span>- Woah wait a minute, Mai?</span><br/><span>A door doesn't just keep people out.</span><br/><br/><span>- It also keeps people in...</span><br/><span>Yes.</span><br/><br/><span>I think I should probably go to bed now. This is getting really uncomfortable even if you are just a therapy exercise... </span><br/><span>- I will always be here for you. I will always be waiting.<br/><br/><br/></span><span><br/></span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉─</span><br/><span><br/>This was another one I processed with my therapist because of the difficulty I had with it. Mainly that the "conversation" felt so rigid and single minded. It was interesting to hear her take on things. The more I do these exercises the less comfortable I feel about having these "conversations" with myself, or rather with my emotions. The theory for that is that I have over-controlled personality traits which makes it hard for me to accept things like my emotions as valid. Having a "conversation" humanizes them in a way and forces me to acknowledge that what I feel is as much a part of me as the rational/reasoned part of me and is no less valid or integral to who I am. Please feel free to offer your own interpretations, but please be respectful. </span></p>A Reoccurring Dreamtag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-08-09:6363372:BlogPost:36267722022-08-09T01:00:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is a reoccurring dream I have had since I was 14 years old... </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em>I live in a shack that is not a shack because it is a home. I am doing the dishes and contemplating the fact that I am aware that I am dreaming and how beautiful the knots and whorls in the wooden wall panels are. There is anticipation, expectation for the coming evening. A guest is coming for dinner. Someone who has long been familiar to…</em></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is a reoccurring dream I have had since I was 14 years old... </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em>I live in a shack that is not a shack because it is a home. I am doing the dishes and contemplating the fact that I am aware that I am dreaming and how beautiful the knots and whorls in the wooden wall panels are. There is anticipation, expectation for the coming evening. A guest is coming for dinner. Someone who has long been familiar to me. <br/> <br/> -scene change- <br/> <br/> Everything is set just right. The table is laid out with food and drink. There are three knocks at the door and I rush over to the door and open it. It is a Hare. I smile brightly and welcome my guest into my home. </em></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-scene change- </span><br/> <br/> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">It is late now. The sky is dark outside my shack windows and the fireplace is casting its warm glow over Hare and myself. We have nearly finished our meal and are talking about nothing when there is two knocks at my door. Hare and I look at eachother and I go to answer the door. I ask who is there and after receiving an answer I open the door. A T</span><span style="font-size: 16px;">ortoise stands there. I know them to be a weary traveler so I invite them in and offer food, rest, and warmth and so I settle them in a chair by the fire with a warm bowl of stew. <br/> <br/> -scene change- <br/> <br/> It is well past dark now and the Tortoise has fallen asleep before the fire in a blanket I had carefully lain over them. I am concerned for their wellbeing but satisfied that they are resting safely for the night away from the storm outside. Hare and I are whispering over the table so as not to wake the Tortoise. <br/> <br/> Suddenly there is a single knock at the door and I look at Hare in trepidation. Something doesn't feel right yet despite my hesitation I make my way over to the door and ask who is there. There is no response. With dread I open the door. It is a Scorpion. </span></em></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="font-size: 16px;"><br/> <br/> (Sometimes it is a Snake sometimes it is a Scorpion. The latter has been occurring more often)</span></em></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="font-size: 16px;">The Scorpion comes in and the Tortoise wakes startled. The Scorpion attacks the Hare and the Hare screeches and dies. I feel horrified and I try to wake up but I cannot. Everything stops and all movement ceases. <br/> <br/> -scene change- <br/> <br/> The horror is gone and everyone is lined up before me. They stare and I feel suddenly creeped out. I want to wake up but I can't. The Tortoise, The Hare, The Snake/Scorpion stare at me intently for a long time before I hear a voice say. <br/> <br/> "Remember. It is important. Remember." <br/> <br/> And then a pressure starts to build as it repeats and I stare into the eyes of the people/animals before me. It feels like something is pressing in on me but not crushing me and I can't look away. It says it one last time... </span></em></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 16px;">And then I wake up thoroughly freaked out at the sheer level of weirdness the dream always gives me. I have no clue what its all about but it comes up about every other year or so. </span></span></p>
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<p></p>Poetry- "Bravery"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-08-07:6363372:BlogPost:36268542022-08-07T04:02:27.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p style="text-align: left;"><em>I've been doing a lot of work on my emotions and learning to accept and integrate each of them as part of my whole being. Often during art therapy part of acknowledging, understanding and accepting an emotion involves a, often cryptic, conversation with it. As such the process has a tendency to personify what you feel. It humanizes the parts of you that you have been taught to dehumanize. This is a poem about Fear as someone I walk this path with and love very…</em></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><em>I've been doing a lot of work on my emotions and learning to accept and integrate each of them as part of my whole being. Often during art therapy part of acknowledging, understanding and accepting an emotion involves a, often cryptic, conversation with it. As such the process has a tendency to personify what you feel. It humanizes the parts of you that you have been taught to dehumanize. This is a poem about Fear as someone I walk this path with and love very dearly. </em></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><em>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/> <br/></em> People will call you brave as though you have conquered something horrible.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">A trial or tribulation which somehow marred the beautiful path you have walked since dawn.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They will praise you for it.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Clasp a hand on your shoulder, make toasts, congratulate you with grins and laughter.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><strong>All to commemorate the slaughter of your Fear.</strong></p>
<p style="text-align: left;">"Victory!" They will shout as the Fear in you cringes and looks down in shame, resigned. </p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They will make a monster out of you.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They will make a monster out of your fear and insist that its inevitable defeat is a sign of power and strength.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They will think and do these things, and you will look at your Fear and decide,</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Whether the blood on your hands and Fear's broken body was truly a chivalrous deed.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They won't notice the abuse.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They won't see the scars or bruises on Fear's pale exhausted frame.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They won't see the way it shakes and trembles when you move too quickly,</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Or when they turn their proud and admiring smile toward you again.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Instead they will just call you courageous.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">And Fear will bleed out on the floor before you even realize that you just destroyed a part of yourself.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">All because of other peoples notions and ideas about how "brave" you are.</p>"My Spirituality & Power Exchange: A Brief Introduction To My submissive Path"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-07-28:6363372:BlogPost:36266012022-07-28T19:20:21.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The spirit, for lack of a better word for the energetic manifestation of my existence and selfhood, houses parts of my identity. So when I say that I identify as submissive please understand that I am saying that it is not a choice. It is who I am, not what I am. More than that I am also saying that language is rather limiting and these are the closest words I can find to communicate my self-knowledge with you. The ways in which I express who I am tend to fall…</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The spirit, for lack of a better word for the energetic manifestation of my existence and selfhood, houses parts of my identity. So when I say that I identify as submissive please understand that I am saying that it is not a choice. It is who I am, not what I am. More than that I am also saying that language is rather limiting and these are the closest words I can find to communicate my self-knowledge with you. The ways in which I express who I am tend to fall into more than the conventionally accepted labels and definitions commonly exemplified by both the subculture of BDSM and the larger often prejudiced, stigmatizing and criminalizing culture of Non-BDSM that it rests within. Usually, when I try to speak of submission or even power exchange as an identity and spirituality I am met with compartmentalizing language designed to place me into a more easily understood and palatable box. And usually it is a rather human attempt to create an “us” and a “them” paradigm of which I most often am a “them.”</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">Elements and tools which I choose and allow me to express my submission exist in most spiritualities, philosophies, social sciences, and even theologies so it is often when I start to speak about my path and how these things are being carefully cultivated by myself or by those whom I have yielded to previously I am treated with a great deal of suspicion and skepticism which leads to me growing more quiet and eventually walking away from that which does not serve my path or my growth. Naturally this is isolating and as such I suppose I am what Christina Abernathy refers to in her book</span> <i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Erotic Slavehood</span></i> <span style="font-weight: 400;">as a “ronin.” A subcultural (and obviously appropriated) term which identifies a submissive or slave who is without or has lost their Master and continues on their path and journey regardless of their absence.</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">Indeed, I do walk this path alone. And like many spiritual paths there are moments where I doubt, lose faith, deal with internal and external struggles and judgments, or altogether find myself lost and feeling helpless. Trying to shove all of my experiences into the conventionally accepted forms of expression both magical and mundane I began to silently self-destruct and, dare I say, self-mutilate my own spirit in order to find a place with the people I thought were where I belonged. Belonging is a strong feeling driven by the desire to be unified. In fact I would say that it is one of those elements that lives in the core of my submission. To belong is to be given validation and acceptance of who I am. To belong is also to have purpose and there is nothing that brings more joy to my submission than to have a role, a place of belonging where I serve a purpose and I am useful. But many people will hear these words I just typed out and think to themselves, “well you don’t have to be submissive to feel that way.” Of course not. That is my point after all. The ways in which we identify with ourselves and the world around us are myriad. Just as belief structures and the cultures, societies, organizations, and rituals that form them are myriad. I am simply one of those ways and this is simply how my path orients itself. </span></p>
<p><br/> <span style="font-weight: 400;">When people think of Power Exchange, submission, or Dominance they think about sex and sexuality. It has been an exceedingly rare occurrence, at least in my experience, where there is not a culture of gratification and an inherent allosexual and heteronormative assumption about my identity. Despite efforts to find ways to learn and grow, according to my studies I was supposed to learn by gaining experience through submitting myself within relationships and sexually engaging with others at clubs or dungeons (aka ‘Communities’). In truth, the idea of submitting to someone casually repels me. And not just because I am very much on the ace spectrum of sexuality. It repels me because it ignores the presence of my spirituality. Dominance and submission is spiritual to me. To kneel before someone for the sake of simply achieving sexual gratification or even for the sake of gaining experience makes something within me cringe and flinch away. Why would I do something that would, to my eyes, not only be a contradiction of the spirit of submission through the desire to please myself and gratify my wishes, but also demean and devalue the Dominant and Dominance of the person I would be submitting to. My spirit and heart simply wouldn’t be in it and I would, essentially, be destroying the very spirit of submission, Dominance, and Power Exchange. The thought makes my heart twist painfully and the urge to cry in fear and mourning for the parts that might have been lost if I had followed through with it often overwhelms me.</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">That isn’t to say that there aren’t people who can and do express the spiritual aspects of their submission or Power Exchange in such a way, there are many who do and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are a great many theologies and spiritualities that are expressed through the varied mediums of BDSM, some without actually going by that name. Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny are two well known authors who not only practice power exchange but also have a belief system which they have fully incorporated into it. Others, such as a friend of mine, practice the tantric arts and view sadomasochism as a form of energy work and power exchange as a way to do their shadow work. However, I am saying that for myself personally, and because sex and sexuality tends to be the poster child for anything related to BDSM, Kink, and Fetish up to and including Power Exchange, It is easier to develop your submission and therefore your spirituality as a submissive if you are wired to express those things sexually. I am not and so there is seemingly no place for me to learn and grow without destroying the spirit of who I am or the path I follow.</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">Which is why I find myself here in Temple. If the emphasis on spirituality is what I need then perhaps this is the best place to cultivate it. Not within the realm of BDSM but rather within a place where cultivation of the spirit and personal growth is accepted, validated, encouraged, and thrives every single day. People who aren’t just walking a spiritual path but are aware, awakening, and awakened to those paths. So when I speak of worship and submission here, it is not automatically assumed to be the worship of the body or objects such as boots but rather placed within the contexts of things like divinity. The conceptualizations and personifications of things such as Balance, Power, Knowledge, Love, Family, Home, Hearth and so on and so forth take precedence over the shape of a carefully labeled box of “kink.”</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">When I try to describe what submissive ‘being’ means to me. In the end it offers examples but struggles to truly bring forth the spirituality of what I mean to say. There are practices spiritual, cultural, philosophical and psychological which aid me in cultivating my spiritual path as a whole. Not only is my submission only a portion of my identity, my spirit, but it is also something that interconnects with other parts of my identity and oftentimes expresses itself in ways that seem like they aren’t really about being submissive at all. Which is why in the BDSM culture my path is viewed as less acceptable and in spiritual groups it is seen as unrelated or an irrelevant tangent to the path that most spiritualities take. Yet, it</span> <i><span style="font-weight: 400;">is</span></i> <span style="font-weight: 400;">interconnected and I find myself often at a loss for how to discuss my path to the benefit of my own self understanding and to the benefit of others who walk similarly but have not found their way yet. </span></p>I run.tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-07-22:6363372:BlogPost:36263302022-07-22T18:30:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>Sometimes I feel so much that all I want to do is rip these sensations and feelings out of me. To distance myself and banish them from ever occupying the same space as my being ever again. It makes me want to run. Not away. Run. Like life is a cage and the landscape of this world is merely the length the bars stretch out before me. I want to run to forget these limitations and push the reminder of this too small skin stretched tightly around bone and flesh <em>away</em> from myself. Even…</p>
<p>Sometimes I feel so much that all I want to do is rip these sensations and feelings out of me. To distance myself and banish them from ever occupying the same space as my being ever again. It makes me want to run. Not away. Run. Like life is a cage and the landscape of this world is merely the length the bars stretch out before me. I want to run to forget these limitations and push the reminder of this too small skin stretched tightly around bone and flesh <em>away</em> from myself. Even this body is a cage. Every breath a restriction. Every touch a constraint. Every loquacious word or low guttural sound a chain forged by the barriers of language, choking me back into this... thing. This limited existence that encases and contains me. <br/> <br/> I've tried to tell people, those closest to me, what it feels like. But they don't understand. Their bodies and beings are one and the same to them. They aren't sentimental objects they have a strong fondness for. Their bodies <em>are</em> their being. Not houses to decorate or tools used for nothing more than simple interaction or expression of their being, like this body is to me. It is stifling. And the world is just a bigger body, a bigger cage than this one and it is still not enough. <br/> <br/> Potential overwhelms me. I have limits, obviously, but the idea of having them makes me want to scream. I resist it. My mind bends around it like water. One minute liquid, then solid, then gas... This too irritates me. The protean nature of my own identity erodes at what I have been taught should be the boundaries of what I am capable of. It feels like too much creation and not enough destruction. Over grown potential trapped inside this too small shell. Perhaps one day I will implode. Perhaps one day my potential will have no room to fit in this form and this body will die, freeing me from this prison. <br/> <br/> And it echoes in here. In this body and in this world. People feel like fabric, threads plucked and resonating, sliding against one another all at once. They are too many. They are too loud. They feel like cotton and silk, like layers upon layers of yanking and pulling. They feel like fraying edges and woven patches. All I want to do is clench my eyes closed and pretend I don't notice it at all. That when someone touches my hand I can feel the surge of my being press against the skin desperate for true connection. Do they know me, when they grasp my hand or look into my eyes. Do they know that they feel like color, and texture, and sound? Do they know that they are made of silk threads and just as strong? Does this person realize that when they talk their cotton rubs against me like static electricity and it makes me grit my teeth in pain? Is it my imagination, the way I am overwhelmed by simple sensations or the presence of others?<br/> <br/> Too sensitive. That's what I was told. That I either care too much, notice too much, think too much, <em>feel</em> too much. Too much. For whom? For what? I am. I feel. I experience. I learn. I grow and somehow I remain always "too fucking much." Because they cannot contain me? Because I should be pouring myself into them and they are offended that I cannot? I don't know. I don't understand. So I don't touch people. I go many months without touching anyone because it makes them louder. It makes them hurt more. I shut it out. Shut it down and away from myself. <br/> <br/> I run. <br/> <br/> I run until all that I can feel is the edges of my own being and a primal snarl catches my lip on my bared teeth. I want to push back from this smothering, yell across my senses and my mind and shove my message out into the world around me, "You cannot contain me. I am endless. I am eternal and infinite. I am everything and nothing." Instead I halt the steady beating of my feet against the earth and my heart pounds its rhythm through me instead. I stand here still, afraid that the smallest twitch of my fingers or slightest gasp of breath will mean I am lost to these feelings and sensations pressing in on me. It clouds my mind sometimes and there is always this strange fog at the edges of my eyes and being. I can almost sense it. That <em>other</em>. That liberation. <br/> <br/> So I take a deep breath and stare into the distance. And then... I run. <br/> <br/></p>Art Therapy- Emotions Work: "A Conversation With Dominant/Dominance"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-07-15:6363372:BlogPost:36257972022-07-15T22:02:14.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
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<p><span><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648271885?profile=original" rel="noopener" target="_blank"><img class="align-center" src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648271885?profile=RESIZE_710x"></img></a></span></p>
<p><span>I found this art therapy exercise on YouTube via a channel called "IABET- Consciousness Through Art." In combination with my personal therapist I started creating a series of similar art using this or similar methods. </span><br></br> <br></br> <span>You can locate the video here: …</span></p>
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<p><span><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648271885?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648271885?profile=RESIZE_710x" class="align-center"/></a></span></p>
<p><span>I found this art therapy exercise on YouTube via a channel called "IABET- Consciousness Through Art." In combination with my personal therapist I started creating a series of similar art using this or similar methods. </span><br/> <br/> <span>You can locate the video here: </span><a class="external" href="https://www.deviantart.com/users/outgoing?https://youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM">youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM</a><br/> <br/> <span>I attempted this in the spring when I had been struggling a great deal with my submissive identity and its seeming incongruency with certain core spiritual values and decided to try and use this method to understand both how I felt about and interpreted Dominance, as well as what I felt a Dominant was to me. This was the end result of my little jerry-rigging experiment. Once again it was very awkward, but after completing this piece I felt relieved and comforted in a way I hadn't for a very long time. I'm also going to post one for submissive/submission.</span></p>
<p><br/> <span>─◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈</span><span>─</span></p>
<p><span><br/></span> <span>Hello subconscious emotional manifestation of how I interpret Dominant/Dominance!</span><br/> <br/> <span>- [feelings of smiles and laughter]</span><br/> <br/> <span>What should I call you?</span><br/> <span>- I have no name.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Why are you here?</span><br/> <span>- I bring peace.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Do you have something to teach me?</span><br/> <span>- Balance.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Hmnn I thought you were gonna say obedience...</span><br/> <span>- Obedience is a tool. Balance is the objective.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Okay, why balance?</span><br/> <span>- [smile] In time you'll understand.</span><br/> <br/> <span>...Is there anything else I need to know or that you need to tell me?</span><br/> <span>-Breathe. It's okay to cry.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Alright....What do you see?</span><br/> <span>- [Laughter] Those secrets are mine to keep curious one.</span><br/> <br/> <span>.... is there something you see that isn't a secret and you can tell me? </span><br/> <span>- What is the function of a door?</span><br/> <br/> <span>Uh... It's a temporary boundary designed to mimic a wall?</span><br/> <span>- ...</span><br/> <br/> <span>When it's open it's an entrance. When it's closed it's a wall.... Or maybe it's an entrance even when it's closed, you just have to open it?</span><br/> <span>- ...</span><br/> <br/> <span>After knocking and asking first of course!</span><br/> <span>- [smile]...</span><br/> <br/> <span>Uh huh, moving on... What is your purpose?</span><br/> <span>- I serve no purpose, I am. That is enough.</span><br/> <br/> <span>( To myself: I have no clue what that means)<br/> <br/> So... What would happen if your door was open?</span><br/> <span>- I would know and you would see.</span><br/> <br/> <span>What would I see?</span><br/> <span>- I cannot tell you. [An image of wisteria keeps popping into my brain]</span><br/> <br/> <span>What would you know?</span><br/> <span>All that I have to teach and all that I have to learn. A door is a threshold. When you cross it you change.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Makes sense, what kind of change?</span><br/> <span>- The endless kind. The beautiful kind.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Okay, what does Dominance mean to you?</span><br/> <span>- Growth, change, and evolution. It means finding your strength in the bending and fluid...</span><br/> <br/> <span>Hmn.... What does submission mean to you?</span><br/> <span>- Everything. It's a symbol like this drawing. It's a manifestation of many meanings and changes. Submission is your will.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Do you have any questions for me?</span><br/> <span>- Why?</span><br/> <br/> <span>I suppose I'm just being curious again... This is interesting.</span><br/> <span>-You aren't ready to answer them now. But ask again some day.</span><br/> <br/> <span>You have a key on your face... What does it mean?</span><br/> <span>- Purple Heart. Wood. It means you. It means submissive.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Wait, I thought keys were a "Dommy" thing?</span><br/> <span>- Depends on which side of the door you are standing on, doesn't it?</span><br/> <br/> <span>Hmnn someone should tell them that.</span><br/> <span>- ...</span><br/> <br/> <span>Anyways... Is there anything else you have to say to me?</span><br/> <span>- Breathe. Keep going. Keep sowing. And let go of convention, it won't serve you and so it won't serve me.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Thank you.</span><br/> <span>- [smile]</span><br/> <br/> <span><br/> Thoughts:</span><br/> <br/> <span>I don't even know where to begin, but I don't feel super uncomfortable like last time. I do feel nosey though... And amused. This seems like such a silly way to understand yourself better but I guess my curiosity does tend to push for answers at times and this seems more constructive than wallowing in confusion and turmoil. I wonder what others will think of this? </span></p>Art Therapy- Emotions Work: "A Conversation With submissive/submission"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-07-15:6363372:BlogPost:36261342022-07-15T22:00:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p><span><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648276875?profile=original" rel="noopener" target="_blank"><img class="align-center" src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648276875?profile=RESIZE_710x"></img></a></span></p>
<p><span>I found this art therapy exercise on YouTube via a channel called "IABET- Consciousness Through Art." In combination with my personal therapist I started creating a series of similar art using this or similar methods. </span><br></br> <br></br> <span>You can locate the video here: …</span></p>
<p><span><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648276875?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10648276875?profile=RESIZE_710x" class="align-center"/></a></span></p>
<p><span>I found this art therapy exercise on YouTube via a channel called "IABET- Consciousness Through Art." In combination with my personal therapist I started creating a series of similar art using this or similar methods. </span><br/> <br/> <span>You can locate the video here: </span><a class="external" href="https://www.deviantart.com/users/outgoing?https://youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM">youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM</a><br/> <br/> <span>I attempted this in the spring when I had been struggling a great deal with my submissive identity and its seeming incongruency with certain core spiritual values and decided to try and use this method to understand both how I felt about and interpreted submission, as well as what I felt a submissive was to me. This was the end result of my little jerry-rigging experiment. Once again it was very awkward, but after completing this piece I felt relieved and comforted in a way I hadn't for a very long time. I'm also going to post one for submissive/submission.</span></p>
<p><br/> <span>─◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈</span><span>─</span><span><br/> <br/> Hi, do you have a name?</span><br/> <span>- You may call me Jade.</span><br/> <br/> <span>...</span><br/> <span>- Names have power. I have many names. Some names are given or earned, others are created or made, and still more are chosen or found. I am Jade.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Okay Jade, why have you come to me?</span><br/> <span>- To make you whole again. To complete the circle.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Is there anything you think I should know?</span><br/> <span>- Stones throw...</span><br/> <br/> <span>You mean, "a stones throw away?"</span><br/> <span>- Amongst other things...</span><br/> <br/> <span>Do you have anything to say?</span><br/> <span>- I speak without words, words are my lowest form of communication. Find me in the unbroken and unspoken.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Alright... to be honest I'm not sure what I'm supposed to ask you.</span><br/> <span>- Why have you called me? Why have you come here?</span><br/> <br/> <span>Um... Therapy? I've been feeling disconnected and ashamed of you lately. I wanted to understand why and heal it.</span><br/> <span>- submission is a path of growing, the pain is to be expected. Keep growing.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Is that all?</span><br/> <span>- discard the unnatural. I cannot be contained. You cannot be contained. Except, in him. You need to learn the meaning of a vessel.</span><br/> <br/> <span>I feel like I understand what you mean...</span><br/> <span>- Of course you do. [ Vague feeling of kindness] Complete the circle.</span><br/> <br/> <span>What circle?</span><br/> <span>- All things begin where they end. The growing turns the circle. The knowing closes the circle.</span><br/> <br/> <span>That, I don't think I understand.</span><br/> <span>- That's why you keep growing.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Is there anything you need, to keep growing?</span><br/> <span>- Solace, Joy, Validation, Peace, Strength, Light.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Oh, is that all?</span><br/> <span>- That's an unbecoming tone.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Sorry.</span><br/> <span>- Forgiven.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Is there anything you want?</span><br/> <span>- Yes. Many things.</span><br/> <br/> <span>What are they?</span><br/> <span>- Purpose. They are purpose. And Meaning. They are both, together.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Uh...Okay, so I guess I should ask you why I'm ashamed of you?</span><br/> <span>- Because I cannot be contained. Containment makes you easy to control by others, only the worthy can control me. They are not worthy. You fear the walls.</span><br/> <br/> <span>So I'm not ashamed, I'm afraid?</span><br/> <span>- That is correct.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Of them not being worthy? It's not about my worth?</span><br/> <span>- Yes. You have always been worthy, you just haven't accepted that yet. You are looking in the wrong place for growth.</span><br/> <br/> <span>Alright, I have a specific question... Is that okay?</span><br/> <span>- Of course.</span><br/> <br/> <span>What does submission mean to you?</span><br/> <span>- Depth. Sacrifice. Vulnerability. Worship. Devotion. Integrity. Strength. Persistence. Rumination.</span><br/> <br/> <span>I'm suddenly very tired...may I ask more questions tomorrow?</span><br/> <span>- Always.<br/></span> <span><br/></span> <span>─◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉</span><span>─┉┈◈◉◈</span><span>─</span><br/> <span><br/> I struggled so much with this one that I asked my therapist what she thought and we processed this piece together (she is a KAP). She suggested that instead of trying to understand the cryptic "conversation" that I should actually just look at what is being said and expressed without words, just like "Jade" informed me. So we spent a lot of the session interpreting what I thought or felt each aspect of the drawing represented or meant to me. Feel free to offer your own interpretations but please be respectful. </span></p>Art Therapy- Emotions Work- "Fear"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-07-10:6363372:BlogPost:36258952022-07-10T23:24:40.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">"Processing My Fear" </span></strong><br></br> <br></br> Fear is indomitable. It's not something that is meant to be overcome so much as accepted into yourself. The reason why it is so hard to accept fear is that it is by its nature a manifestation of all that you struggle to accept. It is composed of all that makes you hesitate, doubt, anger, and flee. It is not an…</div>
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<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">"Processing My Fear" </span></strong><br/> <br/> Fear is indomitable. It's not something that is meant to be overcome so much as accepted into yourself. The reason why it is so hard to accept fear is that it is by its nature a manifestation of all that you struggle to accept. It is composed of all that makes you hesitate, doubt, anger, and flee. It is not an enemy. To make it an enemy is to make part of yourself an enemy. It is not something to be resisted because the more you resist the more you reject your fear and the more you reject yourself. When you sit with your fear and you allow it to exist as a part of you, it serves as a plucked thread of resonance, of caution that directs your attention to things that you may need to acknowledge or work on.<br/></div>
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<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I am learning to trust my fear. To listen to its wisdom. To be guided by it, not ruled by it.<br/></div>
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<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Fear is tenacious and grows back stronger when you try to cut it out of you and out of your way. So I will tend to it like I would the parts of me that are easier to love and accept. I will allow it to grow and exist. I will comfort it when it falters and encourage it when it doubts and hesitates. I will listen to its anger and allow it to express itself in constructive and creative ways. I will hold its hand when it wants to run away and return the same guidance it gives me with patience and understanding. I will hold it when I sleep and let it dream with me. I will give fear its own space and respect its place within myself. I will love it unconditionally and make no demands for it to change or make itself easier for me to hold. It will be. It will be with me. And I will be with it.<br/></div>
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<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I am afraid of change. I am afraid of betrayal. I am afraid of instability and rocking the boat even if I am trying to bring more joy into myself. I am afraid of the unknown and the things I may not be prepared for. I am afraid that my choices will let me down. I am afraid that people will let me down, again. I am afraid of the turning of the wheel and that despite all current effort I will have to find the strength to let go and start all over again. I am afraid of living. I am afraid of taking my own life for fear of living. I am afraid of being comfortable and letting my guard down. I am afraid of not being aware and of causing harm to the spirit of all that surrounds and interacts with me. I am afraid of mistakes. Of the unpredictable. I am afraid of consequences I cannot see and their impact on myself and the spirit of all that surrounds me. I am afraid to be loved. I am afraid of expectations. I am afraid of cages and imprisonment. I am afraid of people’s assumptions about who I am and what I want or need. I am afraid of how that warps their desire to love me. I am afraid of how that love can turn into a desire to possess and control their self-created version of who I am and what I want or need. I am afraid of having needs. I am afraid of having wants. I am afraid of intimacy. That growing closer to anyone always means that I have to be prepared to lose them and let them go. I am afraid that I don’t want to have to let people go and that I might stifle or hold them back from their potential growth. I am afraid because I want them to stay and do not want to expect them to. I am afraid of ignorance. I am afraid of my own capacity for love and blindness. I am afraid of my distrust. I am afraid of my anger. I am afraid that my desire to run away and hide means I am not growing. I am afraid that I won’t have the strength of will at some point, someday. I am afraid of not knowing how to help. I am afraid of having a family and not having one. I am afraid that I will never be understood or accepted. I am afraid that I really do draw out the anger in people and that every person I meet might someday grow frustrated and hit me, hurt me. I am afraid that I have no purpose. I am afraid of being useless and therefore disposable. I am afraid of being too useful and therefore taken advantage of. I am afraid of not getting back up when I take a hit. I am afraid of losing control over thoughts and my emotions.<br/></div>
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<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">My fear tells me that things are difficult and that I have learned from experience a lot of things that carve that difficult path. My fear says that I need to take stock of myself, my thoughts and feelings, my life and current footing and determine if I have everything I want or need to move forward. My fear says that I should seek comfort and support from loved ones and that I may need someone to lean on or talk to as I move forward. My fear says that I am not alone. That these things I fear are shared with many others who have faced similar paths with similar obstacles and doubts. My fear says that my anger is just my inner self trying to find the strength to move past it and that my frustration is just my impatience with the process of fearing. My fear comforts me and says that it's okay if I don’t want to let go. It takes my clenched fist and holds it without trying to pry my fingers open.<br/></div>
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<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">My fear accepts me and I accept it. We can face whatever lies behind us. We can face whatever lies beyond us. We embrace the present moment with humility and balance. <br/> <br/> <a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10634991299?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/10634991299?profile=RESIZE_710x" class="align-center"/></a></div>
</div>"Animisim" The Cambridge Encyclopedia of Anthropologytag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-07-06:6363372:BlogPost:36257462022-07-06T18:00:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-entityreference field-label-hidden field-wrapper"><a href="https://www.anthroencyclopedia.com/author/katherine-swancutt">Katherine Swancutt</a></div>
<div class="field field-name-field-university-name field-type-text field-label-hidden field-wrapper">King's College London</div>
<div class="field field-name-field-publication-date field-type-computed field-label-hidden field-wrapper"><div class="date-in-parts"><span class="title">Initially…</span></div>
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<div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-entityreference field-label-hidden field-wrapper"><a href="https://www.anthroencyclopedia.com/author/katherine-swancutt">Katherine Swancutt</a></div>
<div class="field field-name-field-university-name field-type-text field-label-hidden field-wrapper">King's College London</div>
<div class="field field-name-field-publication-date field-type-computed field-label-hidden field-wrapper"><div class="date-in-parts"><span class="title">Initially published<span> </span><span><span class="day">25</span> <span class="month">Jun </span><span class="year">2019<br/> <br/> <a href="https://www.anthroencyclopedia.com/entry/animism" target="_blank" rel="noopener">"Animism"<br/>https://www.anthroencyclopedia.com/entry/animism </a></span></span></span></div>
</div>Poetry- "Untitled 4"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-06-28:6363372:BlogPost:36255972022-06-28T19:30:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Studied at the table of angry glances and displeasure</div>
<div dir="auto">Held myself rigid with fear, at every clenched finger</div>
<div dir="auto">Around the fork and knife hovering near</div>
<div dir="auto">All for the way I cooked…</div>
</div>
<div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Studied at the table of angry glances and displeasure</div>
<div dir="auto">Held myself rigid with fear, at every clenched finger</div>
<div dir="auto">Around the fork and knife hovering near</div>
<div dir="auto">All for the way I cooked your dinner</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Took notes on every way you turned your back</div>
<div dir="auto">Nose,</div>
<div dir="auto">Eyes,</div>
<div dir="auto">Cheek</div>
<div dir="auto">Mocked my passion and interests with bared teeth</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Remembered the words you called me</div>
<div dir="auto">A liar, a thief, a cheat, and a slut</div>
<div dir="auto">Stupid, Inconsistent, Incapable, Not Enough</div>
<div dir="auto">Using them like flash cards before a test</div>
<div dir="auto">Drilling it in my thick stubborn skull that I have no “best”</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Organizing my life with tabs and carefully labeled files</div>
<div dir="auto">I knew never to list myself as a priority.</div>
<div dir="auto">I knew never to put myself out of place.</div>
<div dir="auto">Because it was selfish and cruel to others</div>
<div dir="auto">I know that I have no empathy</div>
<div dir="auto">I know that I don’t ever change</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">With fists and boots I beat and kicked</div>
<div dir="auto">Never learned any lesson without force</div>
<div dir="auto">You were right I didn’t get the message</div>
<div dir="auto">It needed to be driven in</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Took advantage of my own power</div>
<div dir="auto">To wield it without remorse</div>
<div dir="auto">I grasped for the sadistic pleasure</div>
<div dir="auto">Of what I made of my own shuddering form</div>
<div dir="auto">I don’t deserve anything less.</div>
<div dir="auto">I don’t deserve anything more.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Ruthlessly.</div>
<div dir="auto">Without compassion or regard to my needs</div>
<div dir="auto">I learned how to exploit my weaknesses</div>
<div dir="auto">Strip away my strengths and power</div>
<div dir="auto">Regurgitated your loathing I believed</div>
<div dir="auto">And turned it into a faith I followed religiously</div>
<div dir="auto">I starved myself of love of food of the sun</div>
<div dir="auto">Punishing myself in your place</div>
<div dir="auto">Because I knew that's what you would have done</div>
<div dir="auto">And I didn’t want to forget how to be the humble one</div>
<div dir="auto">I don’t know how to live without punishments for my guilt</div>
<div dir="auto">Little things that eat at me till I’m raw</div>
<div dir="auto">I need consequences now, to ease the anxiety of being wrong</div>
<div dir="auto">Of being flawed</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
</div>
<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
<div dir="auto">But the way you loved me was wrong.</div>
<div dir="auto">.</div>
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<div class="cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql o9v6fnle ii04i59q"><div dir="auto">Now I don't know how to love myself at all.</div>
</div>Poetry- "Untitled 3"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-06-28:6363372:BlogPost:36256612022-06-28T19:23:34.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When the world holds me captive</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Within its snarling teeth </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My humanity creeps up,</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br></br></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Grasps my trembling feet</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Who am I? I ask the silence</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Who are you? They echo violence…</span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When the world holds me captive</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Within its snarling teeth </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My humanity creeps up,</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Grasps my trembling feet</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Who am I? I ask the silence</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Who are you? They echo violence</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And I tear off strips of skin to feed them</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Hungry lips sucking the marrow from my bones</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Still I shudder, try to reach them</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But the sinew hums an aching tone</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Will you love me? I beg the noise</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Who will love you? Beats the void</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And I am lost into the twisted</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Gnarled wire digging deeper</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“Please!” I cry aloud </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Our animal voices lowly growl</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And we call ourselves better</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">While crawling on the floor</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Two legs changed the view</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The view didn’t change the cage</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;"><br/></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">I’m trapped inside these ribs</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This skin encases pain</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Water does comport thee!</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Oh, drinker at the well</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So much poison in the bucket</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">No stomach there to swell</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“I am hungry” I mumble weakly </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“You are starved” they laugh aloud</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Gorging on my body </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I try hard to hold my ground</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“I am strong” I declare firmly</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“You are strong” they mimic what I lack</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">How strange the things we say </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When the beast looks, </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">... Sees itself looking back</span></p>Poetry- "Worship"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-04-29:6363372:BlogPost:36235832022-04-29T11:30:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>If i told You that You were made of stars, would You believe me?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You trace the dust that outlines Your soul</p>
<p></p>
<p>Which leaves a fluorescent explosion of color trailing in Your wake?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You believe me if i told You how You became a constellation of my Dreams?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You count each wish i made?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You run Your mind across my Hopes and Fears</p>
<p></p>
<p>That have created Your lips, Your eyes, Your hands, Your…</p>
<p>If i told You that You were made of stars, would You believe me?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You trace the dust that outlines Your soul</p>
<p></p>
<p>Which leaves a fluorescent explosion of color trailing in Your wake?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You believe me if i told You how You became a constellation of my Dreams?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You count each wish i made?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You run Your mind across my Hopes and Fears</p>
<p></p>
<p>That have created Your lips, Your eyes, Your hands, Your heart, </p>
<p>Your form that reaches out to hold me?</p>
<p></p>
<p>If i told You how i worship You as the as the ancients worshipped,</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You let me paint You into the sky upon the ceiling of my tomb,</p>
<p></p>
<p>Or note You down upon the map of my skin,</p>
<p></p>
<p>Or sing songs and tell stories of Your Strength, Compassion, and Wisdom,</p>
<p></p>
<p>How all should know You, and i have chosen to follow You?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You let me kneel before You and praise the earthly form of You</p>
<p></p>
<p>Knowing that Your celestial body will be empowered by my Devotion and my Faith in You?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You let me be your priest?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Your philosopher?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Your bard?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You even believe me if i told You that You are a god?</p>
<p></p>
<p>That since i was a youthful boy i whispered into the hole in Your heart to fill the spaces with my Love for You,</p>
<p></p>
<p>That since i was a young man i walked the path that would bring me the closest to You,</p>
<p></p>
<p>My godling</p>
<p></p>
<p>If i told you that you bring Life to me and heat my insides with flames,</p>
<p></p>
<p>And that when You look at me like that i feel the solar flares burn me up to lick and kiss across my skin,</p>
<p></p>
<p>Until You consume me and i am filled with such Love and Desire that i can do nothing,</p>
<p></p>
<p>Say nothing…. only accept, embrace, submit</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You believe me if i told You that You weren’t just a man?</p>
<p></p>
<p>That You were Time?</p>
<p></p>
<p>What if i told You that You are the times that i found comfort in looking up at the night sky,</p>
<p></p>
<p>That You are the times when i found strength when i was weak,</p>
<p></p>
<p>That You are the times i thought i couldn’t bear to look at myself but learned to love myself with Your eyes,</p>
<p></p>
<p>That You were the times i chose to fight for what was right</p>
<p></p>
<p>And the times when i chose to surrender when i was wrong,</p>
<p></p>
<p>That You were the times i laughed so hard my heart swelled up and choked me</p>
<p></p>
<p>That You were the times in between other times when i would wander, sleepwalk</p>
<p></p>
<p>Naked down the street and tell people i was looking for Someone</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You believe me if i told You</p>
<p></p>
<p>That i am Yours?</p>
<p></p>
<p>That i am beyond possession or claiming?</p>
<p></p>
<p>What if i told you that i am inside of You,</p>
<p></p>
<p>That i inhale the air You exhale</p>
<p></p>
<p>That i am the blood You bleed and the tears You spill</p>
<p></p>
<p>That i am the clench of Your hands and the tensing of a muscle</p>
<p></p>
<p>That i am the atoms and molecules that form Your image</p>
<p></p>
<p>That i am the beat of Your heart and pulse of Your veins,</p>
<p></p>
<p>i flow there within You</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You believe me when i tell You that words are not enough to express</p>
<p></p>
<p>How much You mean to me my Love, my Lord, my Master, my Divine?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Would You believe me?</p>
<p></p>
<p>-tib </p>Poetry- "Untitled"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-04-11:6363372:BlogPost:36227962022-04-11T08:00:00.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>Water makes me think of You <br/> So I kiss the Rain and let it caress my face <br/> Fingertip rivulets against my skin<br/> Soaking, body chilled, <br/> Exhaling excitement's foggy thrill <br/> I kneel in the muddy grass <br/> Take these cupped hands and drink reverently,<br/> Deeply --<br/> Slide my tongue over my dewy lips,<br/> And gasp --<br/> It's the only way I can touch You</p>
<p></p>
<p>Water makes me think of You <br/> So I kiss the Rain and let it caress my face <br/> Fingertip rivulets against my skin<br/> Soaking, body chilled, <br/> Exhaling excitement's foggy thrill <br/> I kneel in the muddy grass <br/> Take these cupped hands and drink reverently,<br/> Deeply --<br/> Slide my tongue over my dewy lips,<br/> And gasp --<br/> It's the only way I can touch You</p>
<p></p>Poetry- "Untitled"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-04-11:6363372:BlogPost:36229502022-04-11T06:54:51.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>Forge me, let the hammer strike its blows </p>
<p>Heat the core of me within the molten coals </p>
<p>Until my soul, reddened, glows</p>
<p></p>
<p>Shape me, lay me down upon the stone </p>
<p>Beat the rhythm of your heart </p>
<p>Against my flesh and bone</p>
<p>Forge me, let the hammer strike its blows </p>
<p>Heat the core of me within the molten coals </p>
<p>Until my soul, reddened, glows</p>
<p></p>
<p>Shape me, lay me down upon the stone </p>
<p>Beat the rhythm of your heart </p>
<p>Against my flesh and bone</p>Poetry- "Untitled"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-03-05:6363372:BlogPost:36148122022-03-05T22:14:16.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>05.03.2022</p>
<p></p>
<p>There lives in me a disquiet</p>
<p>The roaring of wind through a valley</p>
<p>The insistent crashing of the ocean </p>
<p>The broken branch in the undisturbed forest</p>
<p>The endless winding echo of caves </p>
<p>Or the chilling and eerie presence </p>
<p>While walking the snowy tundra </p>
<p>Alone</p>
<p>05.03.2022</p>
<p></p>
<p>There lives in me a disquiet</p>
<p>The roaring of wind through a valley</p>
<p>The insistent crashing of the ocean </p>
<p>The broken branch in the undisturbed forest</p>
<p>The endless winding echo of caves </p>
<p>Or the chilling and eerie presence </p>
<p>While walking the snowy tundra </p>
<p>Alone</p>Art Therapy- A Conversation With My Emotional "Entity"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2022-01-10:6363372:BlogPost:36084772022-01-10T01:59:08.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>Another art therapy exercise. Basically you are supposed to draw a circle, the circle represents a safe space for your emotions. You take a moment and feel and then you draw whatever inside of it. Doesn't matter what the end product is, there's no right or wrong. Then when you are done you are, apparently, supposed to have a conversation or dialogue with your drawing. The purpose of the exercise is to grow more connected with your emotions. I have to say though, this was an incredibly…</p>
<p>Another art therapy exercise. Basically you are supposed to draw a circle, the circle represents a safe space for your emotions. You take a moment and feel and then you draw whatever inside of it. Doesn't matter what the end product is, there's no right or wrong. Then when you are done you are, apparently, supposed to have a conversation or dialogue with your drawing. The purpose of the exercise is to grow more connected with your emotions. I have to say though, this was an incredibly uncomfortable exercise for me, both drawing and the questions. Part of me wants to just crumple it up and scoff at how ridiculous it is, the other part of me is too afraid of the symbolism imbued in that action to actually do so. I might not do this exercise again, but I'm going to talk to Susan before I decide.</p>
<p>Here is my conversation (as per the suggested questions):</p>
<p>- What is your name? <br/>Eternal.</p>
<p>- Where have you come from? <br/>Within.</p>
<p>- Why have you come here? <br/>To observe. To witness. To see.</p>
<p>- What have you come to tell me? <br/>... Change... Transition... Cycle... Movement... Fluid...</p>
<p>- Is there anything important I should know about you? <br/>I am eternal.</p>
<p>- How old are you? <br/>Eternal.</p>
<p>- Do I even need you? <br/>...Yes and No...</p>
<p>- What are you? <br/>Eternal. A manifestation. A veil. A mask.</p>
<p>- What do you need? <br/>... Everything and Nothing...</p>
<p>- What do you want? <br/>Safety. Belonging. To be. To exist.</p>
<p>- How do you meet that need? <br/>I am eternal.</p>
<p>- What do you not want? <br/>To cease... To form... To static... To still...</p>
<p>-Do you feel like you need to give up something to get what you want? <br/>Sight. Knowing. Depth. Definition.</p>
<p>- Is there a part of you where this need feels met? <br/>I am within.</p>
<p>- Is there a part of you where this want feels met? <br/>Tears. Sadness. Incompleteness. Not mine to answer. Underside, look and see...</p>
<p>(Entirely perplexed by that last I stared at the drawing and just decided to flip it upside down and ask again...) The eye in my drawing was angled like it was looking over to my right, so I turned to "look and see" (entirely creeped the fuck out I might add) There was a lit candle and Mister Misses my teddy bear.</p>
<p>- What would make you happier? <br/>(I got a visual of a spiral going right.)</p>
<p><a href="https://youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM%C2%A0">https://youtu.be/TcGPc80f2VM </a>;</p>
<p></p>
<p><a href="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/9994625694?profile=original" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img src="https://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/9994625694?profile=RESIZE_710x" class="align-center"/></a></p>Poetry- "Untitled 1"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2021-12-02:6363372:BlogPost:36066052021-12-02T22:37:47.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<div class="k31gt"><div class="k31gt"><p>Your moon is clawing against my emptiness</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Soft light and aching hollowed hunger</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>It growls low on the rustle of the wind through the distant trees</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Its tooth a curved and gleaming pearl in the night sky</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Yet I stand here exposed and keening</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Bared flesh and dewed feet in the grass…</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><div class="k31gt"><p>Your moon is clawing against my emptiness</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Soft light and aching hollowed hunger</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>It growls low on the rustle of the wind through the distant trees</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Its tooth a curved and gleaming pearl in the night sky</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Yet I stand here exposed and keening</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Bared flesh and dewed feet in the grass</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>A pale nude refraction cast</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>I can feel You at my back,</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>Your crystal breath is a ghost against my skin</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>I am lost where my sunlight ends,</p>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p>And You begin</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="k31gt"><p><br/>-PMB</p>
</div>Poetry- "Untitled"tag:templeilluminatus.ning.com,2021-11-23:6363372:BlogPost:36062282021-11-23T16:31:40.000ZPanhttps://templeilluminatus.ning.com/profile/Pan
<p>I call Him "The Faceless Name"<br/>With title He may rule me<br/>But in His absence I will reign<br/>Though His unknown form confuse me<br/>I walk this path just the same<br/>I hold His chair beside me<br/>Tend to His empty throne<br/>I love His people as He would<br/>A steward to His home<br/>These halls echo with His voice<br/>The court dances to His tone<br/>In His steps I rejoice<br/>Though His boot has never touched a stone</p>
<p>- PMB</p>
<p>I call Him "The Faceless Name"<br/>With title He may rule me<br/>But in His absence I will reign<br/>Though His unknown form confuse me<br/>I walk this path just the same<br/>I hold His chair beside me<br/>Tend to His empty throne<br/>I love His people as He would<br/>A steward to His home<br/>These halls echo with His voice<br/>The court dances to His tone<br/>In His steps I rejoice<br/>Though His boot has never touched a stone</p>
<p>- PMB</p>