All I really have to offer, Is my authenticity.
I created the Temple, because I wanted a place like this to exist.. I had a vision for a community that I wanted to be a part of, that I couldn't find. So I decided I would try to build it.
I decided to put any fears and insecurities behind, and devote myself to focusing on doing what I love, making friends, sharing with people, welcoming them, and just being authentic, and encouraging others to do the same.
In our society... we are continually lied to by our media, our leaders, and in a way our culture. We are taught to expect perfection of ourselves, and out of things like 'service' and 'government', 'leaders'.
However, the reality is, there are no perfect people. Our leaders, are weak, as well as strong, because all people, are both weak and strong.
However we are sold all the time, the concept that true strength, and that the 'ideal' is some state where no one makes 'mistakes'.
I'm not going to play that impossible game. To do that, would mean not being authentic, it would mean not being self accepting, it would not be being honest with self or other.
I am weak, and I make mistakes. I'm sensitive, I'm easily overwhelmed.
I am also strong, make good solid decisions, am stable and grounded, and am a survivor.
The reality is we can be both, and sometimes my very weaknesses turn out to be my strengths, and vice versa.
I screw up frequently, on this site, and elsewhere in life, and like everyone else, I'm human.
I make decisions sometimes that I know are not ideal... I try to do the best, with what I have, but sometimes what I have, are states of panic, anger, confusion, apathy, fear, etc... why? Because I'm human. No matter how much I may be happy most of the time, or at peace, or be mostly a calm, strong, loving compassionate person... I also have moments where I'm overwhelmed emotionally and unable to cope with the degree of emotional energy I begin to generate.
I can promise you,
that I will always do my best, and that I will be as authentic and clear with you as possible, but not everything will go 'perfectly' all the time.
One of the things, I personally find hardest in life, one of my weaknesses at times, is that I find it incredibly hard when I'm caught in conflict between people that I care about.
Conflict is a natural, unavoidable part of life, and I can manage it well to a certain extent. However, I can be very sensitive as well, and one of the things I find most challenging is when people I care about are at odds with one another, and I'm put in a position where I feel like I'm being put in the middle, and reaching out to anyone in that conflict, is going to make the others feel hurt and betrayed.
This is a position that triggers up some older issues with me, it's a loaded situation for me, and I'm wired to try to be a peace keeper and to form resolution. When I feel that I'm not unable to be a peace keeper and am failing despite my best efforts to keep everyone happy and supported, then it becomes a very stressful situation for me.
I'm in a situation where I feel like I have failed and betrayed people I care about, and that is a hard headspace for me.
The administration team that we had in place up until today, was a fantastic one.
I trusted, and still trust, each and every member of that team, and care for them deeply.
However, we've had some conflicts in the team, like all teams do, when we don't always see eye to eye. Being the site owner, means that ultimately, when the team is in conflict and a decision has to be made, I'm obviously the one, that has to make that decision.
So, how can I support all my team members, when I'm in a position where they are in conflict with one another, and no matter what options I choose I will have members feeling hurt and betrayed?
I cant, and in my mind, I end up in an ethical dilemma, I've got a Sophie's choice going on.
I couldn't do that anymore.
Today I was feeling too much the hurt and upset of some of my team members, I felt as if I had let them down, and I knew, as I was disbanding the team... that I was letting them, and you, down even further.
And I apologize to you all for that.
I'm not good at that type of 'management' situation where I feel that my team members are feeling I don't have confidence in them. I felt and still feel, for me, given my own emotional limitations in managing my feelings, that the only thing I could do, was disband the admin team as a whole.
Not to single anyone out. Not to pick apart at the structure. Not to struggle to resolve conflicts that have been bubbling up from the beginning that are not perhaps able to be resolved, personality conflicts between team members. etc. Rather, just to take a blanket approach that deals with my personal issue of not being able to manage a team facing conflict.
For me, I needed to treat it as a personal problem first. I am not currently able to manage this team - step one, getting authentic with myself. So... it made sense to me, following that, that until I feel able to really focus on the issue and give it the attention it deserves... that it was best, given my limitations, to disband the team.
Ideal.. nope. Ideal I would be able to tough it up, be a good centered balance team manager, decide who stays who goes, put team ground rules in place, move forward.... I'm not that person, and I can't deliver that.
I'm a person that needs to step back, reflect, process, and listen to myself and figure out what it is realistically I can manage and how to best go about doing that.
As for the conflict itself, I don't have any negative feelings towards the admins disagreeing with each other. I know they feel strongly they're trying to make the best decisions with the site in mind, and that they just don't see eye to eye.
No one is to blame, no one has done anything wrong, we all get upset, and it's quite possible my disbanding the admin team was the biggest mistake of them all. However, I felt in the moment, that it was my only choice in terms of where my head is at ethically and emotionally.
There isn't a single member of our previous administration team, that I would not have back on a future team in a heartbeat. When and if I feel I'm up to handling the potential conflicts that can arise in team dynamics.
I feel ultimately, the weak player in the team was not any one of them, but me. Unfortunately or fortunately for you, however you see it, lol, it happens to be my site... and what I believe, and I hope you come to believe to. Is it doesn't matter whether I fuck up or not. It doesn't matter if I'm a good leader or a bad leader.
I am ultimately, only one person... and you.. ALL of YOU are what MAKE this site.
I believe.. ultimately, that a community like this can govern itself... I believe, ultimately even that the world can govern itself.. yes.. I AM AN ANARCHIST. *smile*
Anarchy isn't about chaos... it's about faith. It's about believing each and everyone of you is capable of self-government. That you do not need a 'leader' to stop you from doing bad things on the site... or in the world. It's not -me- that makes this site work... it's all of you.
Be the change... means take personal responsibility.
Realize that this site, is a microcosm, like the larger macrocosm of the world.. and we co-create it. What you put into it, is what you get back out of it.
Some people aren't ready to self govern, we all know that... but it's because they have been disempowered, it's because they've been brainwashed to believe that 'perfect' leaders.. that 'authority' is better able to decide for them. We want to hand our troubles over to the powers that be to take care of them.
I won't be taking care of a lot of the 'problems' on this site... I'll be encouraging you to. To manifest your own solutions, to resolve your own conflicts... Yes. I will administrate, and take action, but only when I feel it's really really necessary... instead I'd like to give each and every one of you, the opportunity to co-create, to make positive choices, to realize something new...
So, this is me... this is your site 'leader'... an anarchist that feels each of you is just as capable as I.
This site is not going to be 'the perfect site'... because there is no such thing.
We will always have spammers, We will always have conflicts, We will always have problems. Thats. Just. Life.
I can't promise you... that this ship won't sink.
I won't lie to you, and tell you this is an unsinkable ship, thats the line they gave the Titanic.
There are NO unsinkable ships.
This site has as much chance as disappearing under an iceberg in a heart beat, as it does becoming the next big thing. If this site fails... I can promise you, it will be my fault.. I will do my very best to steer her clear and steady, but I can't promise I'm up to the task and that I won't make some critical error. I don't make promises I can't keep. If it fails it because I will be weak and give up on it, and hopefully I'll have the courage to give it over to someone else who can.
If it does become a great site... it won't be because of me. If this site is a great site, and I like to think it is now, it's because of you. all of you.
Bum deal for me hey? If it succeeds its all your success but if it fails is all mine.. well their you go, the truth according to Leila's crazy head. :)
If you can forgive me, and others, when we have a bad a day, or make a bad choice, or just can't do any better no matter how hard we try... if you can accept that this place, is an authentic place, which means, I'm not going to lie to you, and tell you... we're going to deliver something we are not. That you have no other choice but to accept other people for who they are and take personal responsibility for how you feel about them and yourself... or find a place with less freedom.
What I can deliver is a place where YOU can create the positive experience YOU want... you cannot rely on me to deliver it you.. ever. Giving you freedom means you also have to take responsibility.
I can only put on the table, and give to you, what I do, no more.
When I make mistakes, when things go wrong... well, all I can ask is that you trust that I'm doing my best for you, and you accept, that it's not going to be an A+ job. I don't have A+ resources to work with.
Anyways.. this is getting wayyyyyy to long, and I'm starting to repeat myself... typical typical..
but hopefully, you're patient.. very patient, and you'll forgive it all.
Thanks for listening.
Live in Love
I'm keeping comments closed, because I'm rather tired right now, and am trying to pace my energy. I'm sorry not to give you the space to express, it's not because your thoughts are not important to me, it's simply a lack of resources on my part at this time.
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