"Processing My Fear" 

Fear is indomitable. It's not something that is meant to be overcome so much as accepted into yourself. The reason why it is so hard to accept fear is that it is by its nature a manifestation of all that you struggle to accept. It is composed of all that makes you hesitate, doubt, anger, and flee. It is not an enemy. To make it an enemy is to make part of yourself an enemy. It is not something to be resisted because the more you resist the more you reject your fear and the more you reject yourself. When you sit with your fear and you allow it to exist as a part of you, it serves as a plucked thread of resonance, of caution that directs your attention to things that you may need to acknowledge or work on.

I am learning to trust my fear. To listen to its wisdom. To be guided by it, not ruled by it.

Fear is tenacious and grows back stronger when you try to cut it out of you and out of your way. So I will tend to it like I would the parts of me that are easier to love and accept. I will allow it to grow and exist. I will comfort it when it falters and encourage it when it doubts and hesitates. I will listen to its anger and allow it to express itself in constructive and creative ways. I will hold its hand when it wants to run away and return the same guidance it gives me with patience and understanding. I will hold it when I sleep and let it dream with me. I will give fear its own space and respect its place within myself. I will love it unconditionally and make no demands for it to change or make itself easier for me to hold. It will be. It will be with me. And I will be with it.

I am afraid of change. I am afraid of betrayal. I am afraid of instability and rocking the boat even if I am trying to bring more joy into myself. I am afraid of the unknown and the things I may not be prepared for. I am afraid that my choices will let me down. I am afraid that people will let me down, again. I am afraid of the turning of the wheel and that despite all current effort I will have to find the strength to let go and start all over again. I am afraid of living. I am afraid of taking my own life for fear of living. I am afraid of being comfortable and letting my guard down. I am afraid of not being aware and of causing harm to the spirit of all that surrounds and interacts with me. I am afraid of mistakes. Of the unpredictable. I am afraid of consequences I cannot see and their impact on myself and the spirit of all that surrounds me. I am afraid to be loved. I am afraid of expectations. I am afraid of cages and imprisonment. I am afraid of people’s assumptions about who I am and what I want or need. I am afraid of how that warps their desire to love me. I am afraid of how that love can turn into a desire to possess and control their self-created version of who I am and what I want or need. I am afraid of having needs. I am afraid of having wants. I am afraid of intimacy. That growing closer to anyone always means that I have to be prepared to lose them and let them go. I am afraid that I don’t want to have to let people go and that I might stifle or hold them back from their potential growth. I am afraid because I want them to stay and do not want to expect them to. I am afraid of ignorance. I am afraid of my own capacity for love and blindness. I am afraid of my distrust. I am afraid of my anger. I am afraid that my desire to run away and hide means I am not growing. I am afraid that I won’t have the strength of will at some point, someday. I am afraid of not knowing how to help. I am afraid of having a family and not having one. I am afraid that I will never be understood or accepted. I am afraid that I really do draw out the anger in people and that every person I meet might someday grow frustrated and hit me, hurt me. I am afraid that I have no purpose. I am afraid of being useless and therefore disposable. I am afraid of being too useful and therefore taken advantage of. I am afraid of not getting back up when I take a hit. I am afraid of losing control over thoughts and my emotions.

My fear tells me that things are difficult and that I have learned from experience a lot of things that carve that difficult path. My fear says that I need to take stock of myself, my thoughts and feelings, my life and current footing and determine if I have everything I want or need to move forward. My fear says that I should seek comfort and support from loved ones and that I may need someone to lean on or talk to as I move forward. My fear says that I am not alone. That these things I fear are shared with many others who have faced similar paths with similar obstacles and doubts. My fear says that my anger is just my inner self trying to find the strength to move past it and that my frustration is just my impatience with the process of fearing. My fear comforts me and says that it's okay if I don’t want to let go. It takes my clenched fist and holds it without trying to pry my fingers open.

My fear accepts me and I accept it. We can face whatever lies behind us. We can face whatever lies beyond us. We embrace the present moment with humility and balance.