it's been awhile since i've really felt like this. maybe its just because it's winter time n i seam to get more sensitive to things like this or if im actually finding my way back onto the path i discovered so long ago now it seam tho its only been 7 years since this all began for me.. again i feel myself seeking answers, again i am drawn back here seeking something. this place has become more of record keeping tool for me..., i should make more of an effort to participate honestly felt as tho i had lost my way from all of this..     

 i know the smoking's killing me n so unhealthy sometimes i think that may be the true reason i smoke knowing it's going to shorten this ride..  iv gotten a lot better down from 800 smokes a month to maybe a pack every few days.. iv quit using cocaine lsd dmt meth mdma in the last year... but this seams to be one thing im just not ready to let go of yet..

its been a wild ride including almost dying down a cliff side while seeking relief from the feeling of evil entities that has somehow how managed to latch on i believe. as i was plagued by dreadful lucid dreams where i would lose myself as i took on different rolls of the person and realities i found my self appearing to take part it. things seam to be going wrong far to often and i honestly felt the present of something or things. attached to me.. reaching on things i remember from the last few years of  spirit study, i  decided the old glacial rivers that flow into the great lakes would do as i live now right next to one.. i knew if nothing else the natural spirit and energy of the river could help me 

so i went seeking it out into the forest with a clue but no idea of how to find it... i knew what direction the river was in an i knew i wanted to be far enough away from the town and others i would be free of being affected by much of anything other then the rocks,water and nature... i went seeking the spirit of the river to cleanse me 

i found a trail that traveled along the river so i followed it as far out as i could but the trail ended after i had gone up the path up hill.. instead of going back down the trail to the place i knew i could reach the river, i decided to blaze my own trail that this was necessary and going to be part of the healing tho i had no clue what i was embarking on. i

iv had little trips like this every so often exploring my reality n trying to comprehend everything id find. most in my child years self inflicted experiences like sleeping out in a ice cave overnight just to understand what it would have been like for our ancestors surviving winter. tho this would be different then anything id intended tho i got the answers i wanted an my desire for cleansing took place.    

after starting on this path of my own i started in a downward direction close enough to the river i could hear the water initially in the distance past the thicket of trees. using a stick to brace my self i made my way down the side thinking i was getting close to the ground.. i reached a part where a land slide had taken place some time ago n all the trees lay flat crossing each other creating a bridge i was able to cross deep cuts in the earth made by lots of flowing water..  still not able to see the river but hearing it getting closer as i made my way encurraged me that i was on the right path... being in the forest like this was not something new for me growing up on a farm most of my youth an hours drive from the nearest city, me spending time wandering the forest was often my own pastime along with collecting shiney rocks id be drawn to for all my life after,    

i reached a point where i would have to turn back and give up, hoping to find another way or push on and hope i could survive the climb down a sheer rock n mud face with a few cedar trees growing from the sides of the rock along with others clearly pushed along by the old landslide, 

i knew at this point that the smart thing would be to turn back.. not attempt this and just go another way... but i felt compelled to challenge my self. i also felt that maybe it was just fear and i should face that fear to overcome it. 

after a few moments feeling out my choice i started down the side feeling that this was something i had to do.. if i wanted to be free of whatever it was that had a hold of me. 

as i made my way down my heart began to pound, i became vary alert of my surroundings. so much so that it terrified me as i climbed. no real reason for this other then the fear of falling.. this fear even when i knew i was more then able to make this... so i thought.   

as i got lower i reached a point where the mud was gone an it became rock face with some trees an chung's or rock sticking out.. 

i thought id be ok as i made my way using the large roots a few inches in diameter, they dug into the side of the cliff  rock n mud that was left.. they also were sticking out of the gaps n cracks. at this point i could not find any more to reach for id run out of food holds too not able to get anymore lower footings.. i started to think of how stupid this all was how dumb i must be to believe in all this shit so much i would push my self to go this far.. what was i thinking... 

right there on the side of this cliff about 25 -30 feet left to go until the bedrock river beds that lay below along with a pile of rocks lining the ground directly below. i survived to see if there were any way i could make it and decided to give up.. this was not the first time i decided to give up on my self.. tho this was to become the first time i was denied that option 

a rock or boulder sticking from the side of the cliff of mudslide trees n rock, its what i had used to climb down to this point it was my last hard hold i had found before making it down one more so where i found myself.  i reached for the same stone again as big as it was i thought for sure it was part of the cliff. as i tried to climb back up it pulled from the side. 

i was holding on to one of the deep tree roots with my other hand and had gotten part way pulled up before the rock let go.. in one motion that saved my life im sure  i fell and swung from the root in my left hand out of the way of the bolder i had ahold of with my right.. the rock flew past me an i felt a sharp pain in my shoulder tho i knew not to let go. 

shock of what had just happend set it fast and i had a full breakdown right there on this side of this bad dream i had created .. 

after crying for a moment and honestly feeling like i was going to truly die, i felt something i do not often feel.. a powerful desire to be alive.. followed by a cushing moment of omg im going to really die this time... 

i looked up to see if there could be any way for returning on the path i had taken. with the rock gone nothing else was in reach n what i did see i knew what not hold me.  

crying again for a moment then pulling my self back as i knew i needed to stay calm to figure my way out of this... this was no easy task.. as i began thinking of ways i could get down safety or safe ish.. after looking around again calmly now i concluded that i was sol, the only way down would be to let go of the side n the root i was holding, at the same time press off the side to send my self in the direction of the cedar trees growing from the rock side.... 

 with this moment of logic came the understanding that this might not work.. that o could die attempting this.. but also knowing i had no way to turn back. n staying there hoping for help was not likely as i had gone far off any used or know trailes creating my own path.. 

knowing i was the only one who was going to help me here i reached inside and made peace with the idea i could die here and now.. but if i wanted to live i was going to have to try and let go of all the "what if's?   i let go, jumping from the side aiming my self as best o could for the out stretched trunks i landed on one with suck an impact it knocked the wind from me n i went dizzy n almost fainted panic shirking me awake again i struggled to get my self onto it safely n take a moment to see that it too would not start pulling from the side.. 

 reaching this point fear had left me.. if i made it this far i was going to finish this. it was another 4 or 5 meters to the ground so i let my self hang from the tree trunk so my hite would allow my feat to be at lest 5ft 5in closer to the ground... i decided to let go once more and i fell the last bit into the rock pile below.. having given up my pack an letting it fall early in the clime knowing it was putting me off my balance.. i grabbed it n drew the water from it as a thrust like a desert took me.. my body flew into overheating as sweat poured from me. this may have been the case all along tho i was not aware of it before reaching the ground.. 

i lay on the rocks for a moment i started laughing out loud that slowly turned into crying as i found myself complete overwhelmed with feelings n emotions... feeling the heat of my body start to become too much i stipped off my clothing as an made my way into the river. as o was about to dunk my self a thought wandered into my mind " im baptising my self" i laughed out loud an joyous as i dunked my head first then the rest of my body in the river water.  

as i came to back up and took a breath of air i had a realization. it was so profound at the time i felt something iv never really felt in my life.  i was grateful to be alive.. i meany truly and honestly grateful i was still alive...  for someone who has spent most of their life feeling like a burden to others. wondering what the meaning of my life was.  this was a moment i could never have imagined i would feel... 

things changed shortly after this i started healing and growing again, i started pushing my self to reach for my dreams..  hoping again earnestly that i would achieve them..  this summer has been a rolling road of ups and downs having to uproot my self once again to move into a new home with my now partner of almost a year.. the one by the fire in the photos below.. 

 iv found true love from someone who is real, someone who is honest with little to no darkness within them.. i feel safe and happy when im with them.. i feel like a piece is missing from me when we part.  some depression in the past few months has been my battle mostly dew to stress from moving. money n other things.. but iv been holding true for the most part... 

this year coming 2018 i know will be just as life changing and i think im finily ready for this next challenge i find my self drawn to build a cabin near this location on some crown lands.. iv been feeling for the last 4 years i should get out of the city's. that i needed to get back into the forests i grew up playing in.. that i need to build something for not only my self but maybe others some day not to far off.. that this shelter away from society with land to grow some crops n farm some small animals might be a place needed later.. or so this is what iv been feeling the last few years... n its only gotten stronger... it seems that wintertime for whatever reason is a time of reconnecting with this energy i feel when i allow my self to.  so here i am again.. seeking to further this journey i've found my self on for the last 7 years 



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