Can't sleep with health issues on my mind, and when things are rattling around in my brain, writing them out seems to help at times, so here's to hoping a purge will lead to me being able to sleep.

Well, my fubared body seems to be growing new lumps. The last lumps were a few years ago now of big rapidly growing uterine fibroids, and resulted in a hysterectomy.

Now it seems I have another new rapidly growing lump, but in my left breast. Joy (sarcasm), so here's to hoping it's not the big C.

I see the Dr. tomorrow, and will be discussing it with him, along with the potential lumps I may also have in my parathyroid. Yup, potentially more lumps! My last bloodtests showed highly elevated parathyroid, so, we're going to do another blood test after this visit, and check it again, if it's still up.. I probably have some benign parathyroid tumors. Hopefully. Benign is a nice word.. I like it, friendly.

It wouldn't surprise me if that's the case, as my sleep apnea seems to have worsened, and I seem to have more throat tightness, coughing, and things going down the wrong way than I used to.

With the breast lump, I have a feeling with the size and growth rate of this breast lump that he may go straight to doing a biopsy, but.. I'm just guessing based on a lot of googled medical info, lol, so who knows really.

Then, the day after tomorrow I go for the bone density scan that's supposed to determine how much my bone density has been negatively impacted by my prolonged 'bed rest' and inability to be on my feet and/or active. Not a lot of weight bearing over the last few years.

I'm not usually too worried about health stuff.. I've kind of become numbed by it. Honestly, the prospect of cancer isn't as scary to me as my current condition is.. being that it also often result in significantly reduced life span, and causes me a lot of pain, nausea, inconvenience, limitations, etc, and they essentially don't know what causes it, or really how to treat it well. At least with cancer, we can go in and try to cut the sucker out. There's a better chance of knowing what exactly is going on, predicting outcomes, etc.

I think the worst part for anything, is simply the not knowing. With the way our medical system works, I know it's going to likely be a while before tests are done and results come back, and information is to be had. Tomorrow will just be sharing the info with the Dr. and him deciding what tests to do, to determine what's happening with me. So hopefully this will won't be impacting my sleep more than this one night.. actually I suspect the fact that my IBS is acting up is more likely the factor in me being awake right now anyways.. lol, yup, the body, she's a lemon.

However, if I have to have lumps removed, I may be able to get the headlights replaced ;)

Ultimately though, life is about being happy, and about quality rather than quantity. We're all terminal, the end comes for us all, and usually it comes via something or somethings going wrong in the body. Illness, is a natural process. as is death. They are not things to fear, or worry excessively over, when there is still life, love and joy to be had. And if you want it, and are willing to create it, love and joy can always be had in life. They can take away your bits, and even your tits!... but they can't take away your decision to be happy with all the wonderful things that are still in the world.. and always will be in the world.

I have seen many brave and beautiful women and men, battling cancer, and I hope I'm not going to be one of the many that do, but if I do, I'll learn from those warriors I've seen fighting before me, and remember the things that really matter in life, our positive loving connections with each other. I just want a happy world, for me, and for everyone.

Thanks for listening. :)

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Comment by Leila Raven on September 10, 2012 at 9:40am

Thanks for the lovely comments and support, it's very much appreciated. I know the odds are good this will turn out to be nothing serious, and I'm just focusing on trying to maintain and rebuild my health, I don't seem to be continuing to get better at this point in terms of my other health issues.. BUT.. I'm also not getting worse again, and that feels good. I'm doing what I can to try to keep on top of all the health issues, but energy is definitely my biggest battle.

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