I am that I am

No more.... No Less

I am not infallible and neither am I impervious

I am human after all.. with emotions

that seem to be a mess.

I have endured hardships and I have celebrated triumphs

But it doesn't change who I am ... it helped shaped who I have become

Normally I'm a pretty even keeled kind of gal.  I like to think I'm caring, compassionate and understanding, but I know not even I, am perfect even with the perfect intentions.  I'm human after all.  I have emotions that run amok just like anyone else.  Perhaps I don't show it on the surface, but its there, within me.  I struggle with it, just like anyone else.

I have endured for over a year and a half of being unemployed.  A single mother trying to keep a roof over her two children's head and food in their belly.  The shock of losing a well paying job was quite overwhelming as my former company consolidated and restructured letting half of its staff go, in the face of the collapsing economy.  I was frightened, with no prospects of another job because every company within my sector of business were undergoing cuts of their own.  All I could do was place my trust in the universe, that it would provide what I needed to get me through.  And it has.

Waiting for depression to fall squarely on my shoulders, I began to do what I have always been drawn to do.  That's help others, through their tough times.  Or help them understand, things that are going on around them.  It brought in no money, but it did keep me occupied as I sent out resume after resume, with no end in site.  School began again for my children so I volunteered to become a reading mentor where I would arrive at school 2 times a week to help the children read.  I made me feel worthwhile and needed as I helped the kids read.   Their smiles, laughter and hugs was all the payment that I needed.

I began to help my ex-husband get his business off the ground.  Building his website, helping with accounting, billing and invoicing.  Structuring his business to help him to go and try to make something of it.  For an unemployed person, I was awfully busy but still bringing in no money to help keep the roof over mine and my kids head.  Everything sounds pretty good so far, I've been managing.  But this is where everything goes downwind.

Maybe I should have known better than to think things have changed, lessons learned.  The more and more I worked to help my Ex get his business off the ground, the more and more demands were put on me.  Enthusiasm turned to resentment as every time I was contacted it was about doing something for the business.  Anger started to build as I wasn't completing things fast enough, or my focus was not on for the betterment of the family (which isn't true, but okay) and that I was starting to ruin his life (at this time, just me breathing ruins his life).  Here we go again.  I'm being worn down, never is there a moment of what Nova wants.  What I want to do. If I say I want to do something, I'm being selfish and not doing the best things for the family. I'm tired and I'm being worn down.  Helping is no longer fun but beginning to feel like a ball and chain locked to my foot.

But I endure.  I help, in whatever capacity I can.  I keep the kids, when he has to do meetings.  I help pay for his trips out of town so he can do trade shows and meetings with large company heads.  Mind you.  I have no job with no pay.  I'm no longer married to him.  But you know.. its his dream.  I always feel like if I can help with a dream, I will.  It's that natural part of me always wanting everyone to achieve what's in their heart.  But somehow, it got turned on me along the way and now its my burden to carry for everything that goes wrong.

Then one day, a warning came in from off the wind.  Okay so it was a whisper in my head.  That I need to be aware of opportunities coming my way.  To not miss them, stay alert... follow my heart.  Nice warning huh?  Well, a few days later, I got a random call.  From my former boss, informing me he is no longer with my former company and is thinking of starting his new venture.  I knew that was the opportunity I was told about.  We discussed the ideas of what he wanted to do and how he wanted to do it and he pulled me back under his wing.  Together we spent much time putting all the little details together putting his business together while crossing the T's and dotting the I's. 

It was so much fun!  To get back into what I've always loved doing.  And I got paid. Woohoo!  Not a lot, but it was something.  My energy levels began to return as we would plan and plot our way into becoming a viable company once again.  He brought on others whom I've worked with for many many years, it was like a reunion and all of us were energized to make everything happen.  But I should have guessed it wouldn't last.  When my ex discovered that I was getting back on my feet and who I was working with.  He got so angry.  I can't repeat the words he called me.  I prefer to keep them out of my vocabulary.  He's never liked my boss, calls him vile names.  Says I'm being used, and I follow along willingly, as I disregard my family.

Today I had a nice talk with my old/new boss.  We discussed my financial state and what to do.  I was happy with the discussion.  I felt great actually!  I was feeling like I'm about to get back on my feet!  Well.. who would have thunk... that elation didn't last either.  I go to get the kids from the ex and I'm accosted with how what I'm doing is wrong and not good for the family.  That I should be focusing on him as the most important thing in this family.. because he is doing the most important thing by getting his business up and running.  Me just wanting to make money, doing something I enjoy so I can keep food in the tummy and a roof over my head apparently isn't important.  Well actually.. make money is important.. but it must be down the street where he can keep an eye on me.

I have a meeting tomorrow, and I'm getting holy hell because I have to do this.  Then this weekend I'm to drive into the mountains to meet my family to have a nice weekend.  This is all very inconvenient for my ex.  For he says I can't go since I haven't worked on his things and he's got nothing done. 

I shouldn't be complaining.  I feel like I need to just internalize all of this and not speak a word of anything I'm suffering from.  I mean.. really..  I'm just complaining.  Perhaps I'm a spoiled brat.  My emotions are in turmoil.  I'm having a hard time being yelled at for being the cause of everything that goes wrong, yet I'm supposed to be supportive of that view.  I'm twisted and torn like wreckage of metal.  I want to hide.  I want to return to that safe place inside me.  I don't want to come out.  But I can't, I have my children to protect.

I worked so hard for many years, rediscovering who I was.  To find the inner strength of who I am.  To be okay with doing what I feel so naturally at doing.  That is supporting others without loosing myself.  I love to see, the triumphs on the faces of those who succeed.  I love to see the pride swell within a person when they feel good about what they have accomplished.  I don't need a pat on the back or even a thank you.  I just have a profound sense of accomplishment seeing others attain what they wish to attain and if I was a small part of them obtaining that, that is enough.

I'm not perfect.  I have flaws.

I may stand strong in the face of adversary

But I am human.. I'm not impervious. 

I have emotions

And I'm trying hard to gain control again.