I'm not sure this will help, but take some advice from the Cheshire Cat and realize that were all mad here. We each suffer our own form of madness regardless of how sane we say we are. Those who do not know they are mad are truly insane and those that say they are insane are on the path to sanity. To walk this path of esoteric arts brings up the forbidden shadows that beckon at the door of everybody, the practitioner here opens the door invites them in for tea and makes peace with them. My advice comes from a book a read where it said that these rituals need not be copied and performed exactly as such for each person has their own style to learning and you should tailor to your style and instincts at every chance. I've had my fair share of madness and here is how I know when I'm off, when everything i want or expect to happen comes true in my meditations generally that means my ego is talking to me. Trust your instincts and be patient and question everything.